you win some, you lose some...and i always ask for advice

i like to ask for advice. i don't know why.

it makes me feel more confident in my decision to see it from another point of view, even if it's one that doesn't agree with my original. and if i can't defend my original point of view, then maybe i should consider changing it. i guess that's how i always thought of it. sometimes i wish i could just make a decision and move on with it, but alas, i've never been decisive when it comes to me...

maybe i just don't trust my perspective for myself but i do for other people? sometimes i honestly don't have an opinion, but if i ever tell you i don't, then i probably do, it's just not strong and i don't want to complicate the situation. pretty pansy, i know.

so basically, thank you to everyone who's listened to me rant/complain/whine/endlessly question and has in turn been patient and given me advice :) part of me is just curious to see what you think. part of me is trying to gain perspective. and part of me is trying to make sure i don't offend anyone.

...and i almost just wrote, "is that weird?"

how typical.

em see

i've officially decided.

i'm going to apply to the 2009-2010 portuguese mc. i'm not counting on making it, necessarily, but i guess i just figured, "why not?" i love the language, i'm intruigued by the country, culture, and people, my traineeship inspired me to share my xp with others, and besides, i'm due for another international adventure, ha ha :) i'd never envisioned myself doing this in aiesec, but what an amazing opportunity...i think i'd regret not taking it.

wish me luck :)

valentine's day

it's rare that you find a holiday that people hate. though they generally vary from country to country, i'm just going to use the u.s. as an example here...who can honestly say they hate the 4th of july? or halloween? thanksgiving? st. patty's? or religious holidays where everyone gets together like christmas or hannukah? yeah... somehow though, always around feb. 14, a bunch of hate starts going around about valentine's day.

people will say that it's commercialized and made up by hallmark and godiva so that people will buy cards and flowers for their loved ones and blah blah blah. and maybe my view is a little different since i'm currently in a relationship, but honestly, i've spent many a year without a boyfriend on valentine's and i still could never bring myself to hate it. why? well, it's supposed to be a holiday celebrating love, but i've never considered it specified that it has to be love like romantic love.

i love my parents, i love my siblings, my friends, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, my cats, etc. why can't valentine's be an excuse to show the love i have for them too? i do realize that maybe the stores and media have made it seem like you need a boyfriend/girlfriend on valentine's to really celebrate the holiday, and admittedly, i spent mine with my boyfriend. in all the years that i didn't have one, though, i spent it with my friends and family, just differently, and that was cool too :)

and by the way, for people that feel like this phenomenon is limited to the u.s. because we like to commercialize things or whatever, it's most definitely not. i was in brazil during "dia dos namorados" which happens to fall in july, and i hung out with some friends and my host family that night. and it was still awesome :)

in a world where lots of hate goes around (unfortunately), i just think it's kind of weird that people hate a holiday that's trying to celebrate love. :(

tô perdendo o brasil...

some revelations and thoughts of the past few days/weeks/i don't know. i'm not sure why this is structured this way, but it's kind of the way i thought of it in my head.

-tô perdendo o brasil...a língua, a cultura, a gente. não tô perdendo amigos o família, eu sei, mas tenho perdedo contato um pouco, eu acho. estou desligado aquí, é quase impossivel evitar, ser bem longe assim, mas não quero esquecer. e agora, eu sinto como tô :(

-on the way home in the car, all i could think about was how every time i accelerated, how much NOx, CO, and hydrocarbons i was emitting into the atmosphere because my catalytic converter wasn't operating at its optimum point. nerdy, i know :)

-i was listening to this song today..."increíble" by cabas (un colombiano). it relates to a lot of things in my life in some way, i think. "no quiero perderme nada, ningún segundo entre tú y yo; quiero saboarme cada gota de tu amor; etc etc etc" - i want to get out of here for a little while. atlanta, i mean. but there are some things here that i don't think i'm ready to leave again. as if 3 months wasn't enough...there are things i think i can only accomplish by being gone for a longer time, a year maybe. but can i leave those things here for a whole year? i'm struggling with it right now. i know that everyone just says to go out and do it, and i have before and i want to again. but last time i did, it made me realize some things about certain things around here, and now i have more to weigh. i don't want to be selfish, but i kinda do. i think everyone does, a little. but do i let that govern me? so now i feel like, either way, i need to be mindful of every moment, because that one will never come again, and what if another like it never does either?

-i've started trying to tell stories about my day in spanish to my boyfriend...it's helping :)

-i'm happy right now. but incredibly stressed. but i'm still going to mardi gras over the weekend in between my 2 hell weeks. i'm also going to take a weekend to visit my friend that just moved to virginia. i also plan to do a tour de california after i graduate. and if juan ends up in brasil, i want to go there too, though i guess it all depends on funds.

-i apparently have no sense about how to write a cover letter, structure my resume, or engage in correspondence regarding myself for employment. frustrating as hell.

-i thought about applying for the portuguese mc. then i realized how much i don't know about portugal. or aiesec in portugual. and how slim my chances are. maybe i'll do it anyway, i don't know. thoughts?

bem, comida. agora. quase. às 9:00, em realidade. aaah, falei com minha mãe brasileira na sexta passada. foi ótimo :) eu preciso practicar falar português mais, parece...não podía entender tudo...bem, entendí quase nada. ela falou muito rápido. *sigh* isso vai pra onde?

w.o.r.d.s.

i didn't watch the superbowl for the first time since i've been in college, i think. i told myself i would be productive instead and finish up some homework i have due this week...well, that didn't work out so well. here i am, hours later, knowing more or less what i need to do but just not having the focus to actually sit down and do it. maybe it's my senioritis (round 2 no less). maybe i'm just in a place beyond my school work right now and my brain isn't having it. maybe i just need to chill out.

i couldn't help thinking, earlier, while on a relaxing jog in the beautiful 60 degree weather, how silly this all is. we all like to be heard. it's why we write in blogs, diaries, find ourselves in deep discussions with friends, bond over cups of steaming coffee or hot chocolate. some of us more than others, granted. i'll be honest, i'm a pretty shy person most of the time and would rather not make myself the center of any kind of attention, yet here i write :) the power of communication is, well, powerful and incredbile...it's self-satisfying too. but while i think so much and have so many "revelations" here in this blog or in engaging conversations, why is it that when i act and live, these thoughts are as if they never were?

those thoughts that we go through so much trouble to communicate, what are they really doing? maybe they're inspiring, which is important. maybe they help us with tough decisions. maybe they help us overcome heartbreak or encourage us when we feel like all has failed. maybe they make us see a side of ourselves we never chose to see or never could see before. but once we start living the lives that create these experiences...are these the thoughts that run through your head before you cast an inquisitive glance? are these the thoughts that dictate the comments that slip out? are these the forces that govern how you really live?

it feels like they should be, for all the trouble we go through to learn and understand and share. but i think when it just comes down to it, its your personality and your instinct that take over "ao vivo" and not those million revelations and thoughts that consume you in solitude. i'd like to think it all matters more, though.

what do words do you for you? even if they're only in your head?