"if you can't feel it, then it must be too real to touch..."

the line above, surprisingly, comes from an old eminem song, though i can't remember which one. in high school i covered my closet doors (4 of them) with random quotes from songs, poems, other literature, etc. that i connected with or found intriguing at some point in time. while at home last weekend, i stopped to read some of them, all of which remain untouched since i moved out almost 5 years ago. wow. this one stuck out for some reason and has, in turn, made me stop and reflect on what it means, exactly, to feel something...i mean, really feel it.

i've realized that over the past couple weeks, in talking with friends and family about things like choosing a job and likening it to the process of chossing a college, i must sound like a crazy hippie, ha ha :) the advice i've given people about making choices that they're having a hard time with has consisted mostly (well let's be honest, pretty much entirely) of the following advice: try out/try to get a feel for all the choices, then pick the one you get the vibes from. no joke, ha ha :) honestly, that's how i chose tech. i went to all the schools i applied to and walked around, talked to people, but mainly just tried to drink in my environment. this turned out to be pretty literal when i went to visit tech since it was cold, rainy, and miserable, ha ha...but despite all that, something about the place just connected with me. i guess i got the "vibes" so to speak...

it sounds silly, i know. but you know how when something is right (or wrong), you just intuitively know sometimes? your head might get in the way sometimes, trying to justify things that you feel are wrong or discourage you from pursuing things you feel are right, but nonetheless, given enough time, i've found that things work themselves out. it works with relationships, it works with making decisions about where you want to be, it works when you're trying to figure out your priorities...they tend to do it for themselves :) the trick is, learning to 1. recognize it and 2. trust it. that's probably been the hardest part for me throughout everything, though when i finally gave in, i was never disappointed. sweet.

so next week, when i'll have my first "in-house" interview in new orleans, i'm going to show up in my suit, be prepared to answer questions about myself and what i'm looking for (though i'll leave out the vibes part...for now ;D), and put on the nicest smile i can. really, though, beneath all that, i'll probably be interviewing them too, though a little more discretely. it's not something i'll find out by asking them questions, though those might help. but really, if they're anything like me, probably at least half of the answers will be geared toward what they think i want to hear, and the other half may or may not be b.s. hard to tell sometimes, ha ha :) anyway, though, i'm really going to see if i get the vibes there. they may not even offer me a job, but i'd like to know either way.

it might be a hard thing to do, scoping out, feeling around for the vibes. but really, if the place is so right or so wrong, maybe it won't be so difficult. that's the awesome thing about vibes, if you're open to it, you don't even have to try :)

the best of both worlds?

so after 3 weeks of a continuous stream of papers, homeworks, and tests, i am finally almost able to relax again!!! granted, this last obstacle will take 8 hrs of my saturday, but when it's over, it's over :) though i love my major and am interested in my classes, i can't help but feel when i focus on only these things (as i've had to for the past few weeks), something's still missing.

it's the very reason i changed my major 3 times and had such a hard time picking one to stick with in the first place. i want to be an engineer in a lot of ways, and i think i would be ok at it...i also think i'd be happy doing a couple of other things too though, things that are completely unrelated to engineering. some of these things (ie writing, cooking, making music, sewing, photography) i do now as hobbies but i haven't really had a lot of time to devote to them, so i guess they're really side hobbies at best. but i've always wondered, where is that line that separates a career from a hobby?

when i graduated high school, i had been playing the flute for 7 years. i had auditioned 6 of those years for all state, always been very competitive within my school band, taken private lessons, etc. when it came time to graduate though and pick a college (kind of based on what i thought my major would be), i chose tech. not a music school, really, ha ha. i loved music. a lot. and i still do. so why wasn't i crossing that line from hobby (involved hobby at the time) to making it my life? why wouldn't i want to do that? i still don't really understand, i just know that i didn't, and now that's that. i recently spoke with an old friend from high school who i haven't seen in years. he asked me if i still played, and i told him, "not really, just on the side sometimes." "oh, that's a shame," he replied, "you were so good!" ...so am i throwing something away?

as far as engineering goes, i've always loved being outside (still do), exploring nature, and have always wanted to make a big impact in the world, maybe make a move toward solving some sort of problem. well, environmental engineering, especially with our energy crisis, pollution accumulation over the years, and rising population fits the bill as far as that goes. i really do love it, yet i hadn't even known anything about it until my second year of college. funny how things work out. so why is this so different than music? why am i willing to shape my career around this?

i'm not unhappy with where i am, it's just a question that comes up a lot in my head since i feel like my brain isn't all math and science. how do you get the best of both worlds when your profession is devoted mostly to one?

the forest and the trees...and vice versa.

i love being outside. it's the reason i'm becoming an environmental engineer :) but what is it about looking at a rainy day from the inside-out that makes you glad (sometimes) that you're inside? don't get me wrong, i've done my share (and still love it) of playing in the rain, but sometimes the best part of the experience isn't an overload of your senses...sometimes food tastes better with your eyes closed, music sounds better in a dark room, and snow looks more beautiful from a spot next to the fire. simplicity.

of course not everything is this simple. never. ha ha :) but it definitely helps makes things more manageable, appreciating them for their parts so that you can better understand the whole.

note to self...do this more often :)

getting lost

today, on the gorgeous drive back to atlanta from helen (in north georgia), i caught myself completely zoning...lost in the music...and vacantly staring at the brightly colored mountains, rolling hills, and lonely farmhouses. i was tired, for sure, and that probably partly explains the empty, lost stare...beyond that, though, there's a kind of peace that comes with losing yourself in a rhythm, in melodic poetry. damien rice, elliot smith, sufjan stevens, coldplay, radiohead, iron & wine, andrew bird, alexi murdoch. it hits your soul but not your mind, really. it's an incredible way to let your thoughts fade away for a little while and get beneath them...they are all, after all, inspired in some ways by something more than just a thought.

this happened once in brazil too. i sat on a bus driving from jequié to salvador, a 6 hr ride in which the arid mountains turn to tropical beaches...radiohead sang in my ears the whole time. i had only been in brazil for about a month by this time, and in the course of 6 hrs, in the change from light to darkness, in the change from dryness to wetness, from mountains to valleys, from vacation to reality, my whole reason for being there made sudden sense and felt right. and at the same time, the reasons for my homesickness became perfectly clear. i didn't judge them though, that's the beauty of the whole thing...thoughts of what should be, what makes sense, what you thought was right, and what you'd never imagnined before...all of it sits in the background for a moment, embeds itself in the music.

i don't remember exactly what surfaced today when i zoned out. i wasn't hit with a sudden burst of inspiration (unless you count this post, of course) or a life-shattering epiphany. i didn't find a definite direction in my life, nor did i form any declarative ideas...but i found peace. i found reflection, and relaxation, and the realization that in that moment, i was exactly where i wanted and needed to be. i found the strength to take on the next 2 "hell weeks" that await me at school, and released the dread i'd been fighting for weeks. maybe it's like meditation, but i'm not really sure since i've never truly meditated before. i usually don't start these on purpose, and because i don't, i ask for nothing and expect nothing in return...i just get to be, and for now, that's enough.

brasileira de novo

esta noite eu vou a uma reunión da associacão dos estudantes brasileiros (se chama brasa aquí). estou ansiosa e emocionada, as duas...por que? bem...há quase 2 meses desde voltei nos estados unidos. ainda escrevo e falo (muito com mensagens, ha ha) com meus amigos lá, mas não é mesmo que ficando no brasil. eu passava 3 meses no brasil e eu aprendia muito sobre a cultura, a musica, a comida, as opiniões das pessoas, as crenças, a língua, etc. mais ainda não sei tudo. que facil para aprender coisas assim quando vc está lá, rodeada por todomundo, e que facil para cometer erros, porque ninguém espera que você sabe tudo e quase ninguém entende tudo sobre vc também.

mas aquí, todomundo sabe sobre a cultura americana, e talvez eles esperam que eu saiba muito sobre a cultura deles :/ bem, eu quero manter contato com brasil com qualquer manera e possivel, e suponho que preciso ir sem espectativas. eu sei que não sou uma brasileira, mas espero que esta noite, eu tenho a oportunidade para sentir um pouca de brasileira de novo :)

on thinking and feeling

i've always been a pretty idealistic person. i never really understood (and still don't, really) why people just can't "get over it" so to speak and talk to each other...i mean, why not? we're all people, right? yes, we all have different opinions and viewpoints across cultures, and even within cultures. why don't we see how lucky we are to have the opportunity to interact with people every day that can expand our perspectives, introduce us to new ideas, expose us to situations we'd never known about...well, that's how i see it, anyway.

when i was in brazil, though, and became a little more exposed to how the rest of the world views americans (as a whole), it hit me pretty hard and actually just made me sad. not that i had jumped into brazilian culture and had a perfectly smooth transition, and not that my friends and host family there had made generalizations about me that affected our relationships, but being face to face with the reality in the general population about my general population profoundly affected me. upon writing about this in my blog, i received some responses along the lines of, "well, you were always kinda idealistic. this is just how it is." i mean, i can't argue with the first part of that. i was and still am like that. i'm quick to trust, quick to accept, and quick to believe that everyone has the motives that i would think they'd have, motives to do good in their little pieces of the world.

but why does this have to be a view associated with ignorance? since when did this have to become such an anomaly? and as far as the second part of that statement goes, when did this become...it? it's not the end of the road, right? what's wrong with change? i know that people are people and as people we aren't perfect, of course. i don't know though, sometimes i just think that our ideologies get in the way and dictate our emotions too much. since when did thinking surpass feeling in importance? we still have instincts for a reason. i can't help it if i feel for people in situations not as blessed as mine, for people that feel the world has turned against them, for people singled out because of their religion, their appearance, their country of origin. and not that i'm perfect and only feel "nice" feelings, but still.

and now public schools, low on funding, are looking to cut the arts programs first...sucks. i go to tech, i know, and i appreciate the fact that knowing about science, math, and technology has brought us so far and will continue to do so, but i can't imagine living in a world of only numbers, circuits, chemicals.

you need them both in their own right, thinking and feeling. but letting one dictate the other to where it blocks it out entirely...that's where we get into trouble.

i don't want to choose.

a memory and a smile :)

so the other day, while driving to school, i was suddenly inspired to abandon my ipod (in the car at least) for the day in favor of some of my mix cd's from high school (yes, they are still in my car, ha ha :D). not sure why, exactly. fall has always had that effect on me though, making me reflective, nostalgic, and pensive about all of my falls before. weird, i know.

i love fall. the leaves are beautiful, granted, but it's something more than that...there's something about the air that just breathes of living the moment and all of those before it. symbolically, as my high school ap literature teacher would say, fall is the coming of the end, of death. but i don't know, i guess the death of one thing is the birth of another in a way, and it hits me more in the fall than the spring...and besides, i've had a lot of beginnings in the fall :)

so when i chose, the other day, to listen to my first cd mix aptly called "shove it!" (to express my sentiments about my newly broken heart in my senior year of high school), it brought me right back to sitting in the parking lot with my friends in my car with the heat running to keep out the cold (gas was cheaper then, ha ha)...it didn't make me sad, though, which i now realize looking back, i was sad for awhile (first love, ya know). i've noticed that too, that no matter how many terrible things have happened in the fall, in the past, when that crisp air brings me back to that time, it never brings those feelings, only the good things. it's not that i've blocked them out, i remember them clearly. hm.

fall makes me think of football, of halloween, of freedom, of promise, of love, of life, of death, of firsts, of lasts, of color, of warmth, of softness, of wine, of laughter, of relaxation, of action, of promises, of kisses, of ends, but of new beginnings too.

i guess everyone has their thing that just clicks with them, that just puts them in their element, that triggers their imaginations and their creativity. not that a season in and of itself can do all those things...in my case, music helps a lot, for instance. smells too. but really, i wouldn't have it any other way.

:)