on that note...

so my last post could be considered, i guess, a loose list of resolutions for the coming year, though i don't really see any reason to hold off on them until then. i've already broken some of them, due in part to being busy, in part to my new addiction to the twilight books (yes, i know, ha ha), in part to being lazy, and in part to what i'd like to think of as enjoying my break :) we can't be really serious all the time, right? ha ha ha ha :) one of these things, though, the finding inspiration in nature, words, people, etc (is how i believe i worded it?), has definitely stuck out of this list.

living in atlanta has been great to me with the exception of one thing: being able to see the stars. i used to miss them a lot when i first moved, especially since i'd been known in high school to lay in my car with the sunroof open or even in my front yard at night or the front yards of friends to look at them. they were one of my biggest natural inspirations and still amaze me to this day. every place i've traveled, i've tried to make it a point to notice them (if possible). in some places, of course, they're brighter than others - i guess just like how they're brighter in fayetteville than atlanta.

the stars hold romance for me. power. beauty. inspiration. and spirituality. yup, spirituality.

i was raised catholic in an italian family who valued religion immensely. i still go to church with my parents when i'm home, though i haven't made as much of an effort when i'm on my own in atlanta. i don't mind church, and though i don't necessarily agree with everything that the catholic church teaches, i'd like to consider myself a good person, and if nothing else, a spiritual person. when i do go to church, i'll admit, i do have a hard time paying attention. my mind invariably drifts, but i've found that the subjects it drifts to are somehow related to what's going on in the mass. i think of church as more of an inspiration to do good in my own life than as a classroom in which to learn right and wrong. maybe i always have, but it's just now becoming more clear. but i don't only find this inspiration in church itself...i find it in nature.

for some reason, when i look at the stars, i pray in my head or in semi-silent whispers to myself. maybe that's weird, i don't know, but i'm not ashamed of it. there's actually one specific spot on the walk to my front door in fayetteville where a part of the house that juts out blocks the streetlights and lights in the driveway and is right before the motion light above the front door is triggered by my presence. from there, the stars are perfect - clear, sharp, powerful. and almost every time i've found myself alone in this spot for the past 6 years or so, i've stood there, looking at the stars, and prayed.

i've prayed for love, safety, and health for my family and friends. my blessings in education. my blessings in the people around me that love me and that i love in return. my blessings in being able to experience the world as i have so far, the few corners that i've been able to visit. i've prayed for lots of things over the years, and tonight, without intending to necessarily, i did it again. why, i don't know. i guess it's the stars :)

so maybe that particular resolution wasn't one that i really needed to make, as a challenge anyway. apparently, i've already made a start and have had one for 6 years at least, ha ha :) maybe, though, i just needed to be reminded.

sometimes huge changes aren't necessary to get to where you want to go...sometimes, you just need to reflect a little, and look at things in a different way. there's something to be said for the power of perspective :)

a partir de hoje...

a partir de hoje...
- vou ler pelo menos um artigo em portugues por dia
- vou estirar
- vou respirar e nao ficar preocupada em coisas insignificantes
- vou tentar encontrar inspiracao em tudo (pessoas, natureza, palavras, etc)
- vou desfrutar todo momento
- vou ficar com meus sonhos e "vivir o sonho"
- vou cozinhar mais
- vou sorrir tanto quanto possivel

:)

remember that time...?

tonight i got to hang out with 2 of my best friends in the entire world. i met both of them in 6th grade, and we've been close ever since. even through changes in "the group" over the years, going to different colleges, cycling through boyfriends, from elation in finally finding a job to depression in the deepest heartbreak, we've always been there for each other, even if we couldn't exactly be with each other. i've grown up with these girls, and because of that, they probably know me pretty much better than anyone.

i laughed so hard tonight, even though i hadn't spent time with these two at the same time in months. we took pictures, re-lived old stories, and we still give inside jokes as presents :) the whole thing was a little bittersweet though. one of them moves in a month to virginia, and with the graduations of the others of us in may, who knows where we'll all end up. it's hard to think that these people that you've known for so long, those that have seen you through your ups and downs, those who grew up with you and understand your background, may not be within easy reach forever.

of course everyone thinks about these things when a new phase in life comes along, whether it be the end of high school, the end of a traineeship, the end of college, whatev. i can't count the number of times i've probably written about "saying goodbye" in this blog alone, much less all of the posts i've read by others going through the same thing all over the world. everyone has a different perspective on it...how it feels, how you deal with it, etc. well, i was thinking about it all again tonight, especially since of of the gifts happened to be a scrapbook containing pictures of the three of us from 1998 up til literally last weekend. it struck me, though, that something about this type of a "last," as i discussed in an august post, is decidedly different from those that i wrote about before.

it's all part of the journey, of the larger dream that we tend not to talk so much about in the context of "the dream" in aiesec. living the dream, so to speak, i always interpreted as going out into the world (all over the world), living as a nomad, meeting people, and making your mark in the way you wanted to. as i found out in brazil, this dream isn't perfect, and it's not supposed to be. but beyond this, i feel like there's a larger part to "the dream" that no one seems to talk about. i mean, it takes something to get to that starting point, right? you go through how many years of your life before you realize #1 what you want to do, #2 where you want to go, #3 who you want to be with, and all the experiences and people the came before influence this. these girls, though i didn't meet them in a far-away country on a deeply challenging and incredible exchange experience, have, over the span of almost 11 years, impacted me in ways that can't be rivaled today just for the sheer fact that they were here as i grew in body, mind, matruity, and spirit.

this isn't to say that i've stopped growing or never will again. the last 2 years have taught me that and my experiences abroad are some of the best i've had. it just isn't the same, though, as late nights spent doing "makeovers," sharing stories about first kisses and everything involved with first loves, making movies with spur-of-the-moment characters and plots, just being young. these experiences, no matter how stupid or silly they may seem today, are part of what has made me who i am today, and the people i shared them with are even moreso. my journey, my dream began long before i knew what aiesec was, long before i cared about current events, long before i realized (kind of) what i wanted to be when i grew up and what it took to get there. there's more to it than the "lasts" today and the new things that happen tomorrow.

these things have become so engrained in me and these people have made such a mark on me, that they can never be a part of a "last," not if it means that i continue living the dream every day. living life the way you want to, i've decided then, is the ultimate dream, and this includes the time when you wanted to be a mermaid when you were 5. and it includes now, when in my case, i want to be a professional hippie (aka environmental engineer ;D). there's something about my physcially growing up that made this dream mine, and so really, these things that underlie it will never be a last for me since they're there every day.

so appreciate your "dream" for all that it is. it's not just today and tomorrow. it's a whole lot of yesterday too, and to fully understand our dreams today, i think we need to appreciate this. hindsight, after all, they say is 20/20. i'd also have to say it makes for a good laugh once in awhile :)

on pictures, words, and expression

so as of yesterday at 4:30 pm, i am officially finished with finals for the semester! the point where i am now is always one of my favorite during the holiday season, knowing that i can finally get to my christmas shopping, reading (for myself), and hanging out with friends without having that foreboding feeling of failure hanging over my head, ha ha ha :)

it makes me realize all the other things i could be doing besides locking myself in my room for hours at a time to study...yeah, that's how it's been the past 2 weeks. as preston discussed in his last post, after awhile, you just can't help but think of what lies beyond the classroom part of your education...and there's so much :)

you learn about something new every time you walk out the door, and that's a pretty incredible thing. i mean, it sure beats sitting and studying for hours and hours :) equate that to leaving a country, and whoa. i can't wait to "walk out" again and see what the world has to offer...there's still so much i haven't seen.

i've also decided that i need to put more pictures on this blog to reflect all those things that i am learning every time i leave, not just the country, but just my routine :) you'd be surprised how much you can gain from even just doing that, and i think i need to start on this soon. alas, i don't have any pictures today, ha ha, but i've always felt that pictures (together with words), could create the strongest impact on a person's consciousness.

then again, i'm a visual learner.

there's always more to learn - sempre tem mais para aprender

quando não quero estudar, sempre meu pensamento primeiro troca ao escrito. não sei por que. tô pensando muito em minha direcção na vida e todo dia, ficar escrevendo para sobrevivir parece mais e mais como uma ideia boa. no outro lado, eu não acho que eu posso trabalhar tanto por uma formação engenharia e então não se usa. adoro línguas, viajando, e o ambiente também, mas ainda não tenho encontrado um profissão com todos...talvez preciso pesquisar mais? alguém tem algum conselho?

especialmente no meio dos examenes, eu me pergunto coisas assim...talvez só porque tô stressada agora, mas não posso ter certeza. e não se ajuda que as aulas de pos-graduação são muuiiiiito dificil!

quando cheguei em tech, eu sentí que não pertencí aí. depois de alguns anos, este sentimento desapareceu. mas agora, ainda que eu já passava mais de 4 anos aquí, eu tenho este sentimento novamente...incrivel.

sempre tem mais pra aprender.

"there's always something there to remind me"

if you'd been reading my blog around the end of may, you'd probably notice a feeling in my writing that is now decidedly absent from it nowadays...loneliness. it's not like i didn't have amazing friends and an awesome brazilian family in salvador, because i did. it's not like i was the only foreign person i knew for miles around, because i wasn't. and it's not like i was completely lost with the language and no one knew how to speak english, because that wasn't the case at all. it was just being new to everything, homesick for my friends and family here who have known me for my whole life pretty much, not understanding the culture completely, and just not feeling quite comfortable yet.

not an unreal expectation, i don't think. at first i was mad at myself for being homesick. i had thought myself to be more open-minded than that, and i was insulted (by myself, ha ha) that i couldn't handle everything perfectly and adapt instantly. well, now that i think about it...duh...how could i have done that??? that's the whole part of the exchange process. you learn a little about yourself (ok, a lot about yourself), a lot about where you are, a lot about the people there, and in the process, it becomes your home, well, if you let it :) i would now consider salvador to be my second home, and i can't wait to go back :D

as i was talking with my boyfriend last night, however, someone who supported me throughout my entire experience in Brazil, the times when i was upset, the times when i was excited, etc. i realized that i had actually learned something else very powerful during my time in brazil...not specific to brazil, really, but specific to any place, anywhere in the world. it depends where you call home, i guess. he's been away for about a week, and after wandering around by himself for awhile, said, "i know now how you felt when you were lonely in bahia." he'll be back within the week (yay!), but it doesn't take long...

when you step out of your comfort zone like that, leaving everything you know to throw yourself into a place where you don't know anything about the people, the culture, well, just life there, it can be lonely. and really, it doesn't stop being that way until you let the people there into your life, let them take root like the people you left behind did 10 yrs ago or whatever. it's not the place that makes it home, it's the people. that's who you take with you in your memories when you leave home, that's what makes you remember things you did, not just being there, but being with them. one of my most memorable nights in salvador, for instance, involves me, lina (colombian), mell (brazilian), and david (canadian) playing rock band until the early hours of the morning. we played for hours, switching instruments, laughing, singing, dancing, taking pictures, etc. i remember getting açai after work at the place down the street from my house with the girls and at one point, meeting all of the new trainees for the first time there :) i remember hopping on a bus in the pouring rain to see a friend (camila) sing in the concert hall downtown with lina and having to sit in the rain and wait for her to come out because we were too late. i remember riding in a packed, tiny ford to a wedding with my brazilian sister where i couldn't understand what was going on, but got the feeling of the whole experience.

these are the things that define brazil for me, my brazil. i remember the touristy things and the beautiful beaches and landscapes that i saw there, and will always remember them. i have pictures for that anyway, ha ha :) but those are not the things that make a place home, and when someone asks me how brazil was, that's not what i talk about. it's the people that made it real and the people that i will always remember. salvador will always be home because of those who i left behind that still stay in my memories, and so i'll never be lonely there again :)

but it takes awhile to get to that point sometimes, and unless you bring those people (physically) with you to a new place, no matter how beautiful it is, don't feel bad if you do feel lonely...it's normal, and it just means that it will take a little while longer to make it feel like home :) and when you get to that point, consider yourself lucky, blessed, whatev...because if we all really want to truly be "citizens of the world," we need to know the world, and carry a piece of it around with us in our memories, and miss it, and think not of it, but of its people when we call it home.

so i'm home right now in atlanta. my parents are home in fayetteville. my friends and brazilian family are home in salvador. and beyond that? only time will tell :)

a meus amigos e família no brasil...amo a vocês e não posso esperar ver-los de novo :)
beijos!

so what did we learn from this?

let me first start off by saying that my thanksgiving break was incredible :) after almost crying with stress from school for the past few weeks, it felt amazing to hop on a plane to melbourne, fl to spend the holiday with my family and my boyfriend, who came along for the ride :D it was everything a thanksgiving should be - perfect weather, good food, fun people, relaxation - well, while i was there anyway. coming back turned out to be quite a different story, and when i think about it now, i almost can't even believe that all of it happened in one day.

the weekend after thanksgiving is one of the busiest air travel days of the year. the airport had been pretty empty on the way down to florida, so we were all pretty confident that we'd get on our 8:30am plane and be back in atlanta by 10am, giving everyone time to get together everything they had to do for the week ahead. well.

8:30am
the 8:30 flight time was quickly pushed back to 9:30, after which we took off and it felt so good to be in the air (i hate spending a lot of time in airports doing nothing). something had sounded a little funny during takeoff, but once we were airborne it didn't seem to be a problem, so everyone started settling in for a short nap and cuddling up with their books and magazines. then, one of the weirdest annoncements i've ever heard on a plane, "well, it looks like we sucked a bird through our left engine, so we're going to have to make an emergency landing back in orlando." what????? how often does that happen? so back we go. the flight is cancelled and we're shortly booked on a another flight leaving at 2:30 (well, juan and me anyway) while my parents are booked on a flight for 2:45. ok, not too bad.

2:30pm
well, both of these departure times, due to the weather, are pushed back an hour each, and after arriving on the plane, mine and juan's plane is then delayed another 2 hours due to brake problems to leave at 6:30pm. we exit the plane, running to the gate with my parents' plane to try to get on (even though the doors are closed at this point), and discover upon arriving there (thankfully at the front of the line), that our flight had just been cancelled. great. now my parents' plane is only accepting people with international connections. makes sense, though by now everyone has missed their connections anywhere they were trying to go.

5:30pm
finally, we're all allowed on the plane. we taxi to the runway. by now it's about 6:30 anyway, ha ha :) we stop for an atlanta ground stop for 20 minutes. by 7, we're finally in the air. thank god.

8:00pm
we arrive in atlanta by 8, sit on the runway for another 15 minutes, get to the terminal, then wait on our bags for 30 minutes. after talking to the delta rep. at the desk, turns out our bags got to atl before we did and have been sitting in a storage closet for 2 hrs. glad they're here, but wish they would've told us. with bag in tow, juan and i say goodbye to my family and make a run for marta. it's time to go home.

10:00pm
arrive at the midtown marta station, where a good friend picks me up to take me to my car on the other side of campus. pick up some wingnuts on the way for dinner. eek.

11:00pm
arrive at juan's place to share the food. neither of us has eaten anything real in hours, and incessant disappointment and frustration makes for a grouchy mood. food always helps.

so, we actually made it home 12 hrs after we were supposed to. we were not the only people in this situation, definitely not. weather, random birds, and mechanical problems are no one's fault, though you'd never know by the way people start treating each other in the airport when these things happen. and what can you learn from this?

well, to start off, we made it home safely. everyone arrived in one piece, alive, and well (and maybe just a little hungry, ha ha). we got to come back together, all 6 of us. we had an adventure, which now makes a great story though it sucked at the time. and when things are beyond your control, as they were in this situation, you kind of just have to be patient, be rational, and not lose yourself to the moment. and yeah, that person you might have been yelling at in line? they could end up right next to you on the plane. we're all in it together, and there's no excuse for lashing out at people for something they can't control.

it is, after all, the holiday season.