on "getting back up on the horse"

it's a saying, i know, to get back up on the horse when you fall off. but how many people have actually fallen off a horse? while it was galloping? right, obviously not...

this weekend i went with one of my friends from the u.s., some friends from the lc here in santiago, and one of my roommates/colleagues (ha ha) to pichilemu, a beach town about 3 hours south of santiago. the town was small but set to the gorgeous background of a black-sand beach, rolling green valleys, and huge rocks rising out of an aqua sea. the scents of fish and friend empanadas filled the streets, as did all the tourists from around the world: families, college kids, surfers, etc. we stayed in a house for 30 people with a courtyard in the middle for parties and asados and passed the days sipping drinks, exploring the town on foot, and seeking new adventures ... one of these being riding horses.

horses are beautiful, powerful animals, i know, i know. riding them is fun, yes - if you know what you're doing. in my case, i wasn't so sure, nor were my legs long enough to really take advantage of the stirrups hanging from the sides of the saddle. yeah. wasn't so comfortable, but neither were lots of people, and the first half of our ride was chill, relaxing, and fun :) yay for being cool and riding horses on the beach! on of the most romantic things to do, right? the stuff fairy tales and romance novels are made of - perfect. well, yes and no...

so at the point where this picture was taken (the last i'm afraid my camera will ever take), we emerged from a trail behind the dunes onto the beach. gorgeous, as you can see. well, the horses got excited because the beach was wide and open after the small, narrow path and they knew that we were now on our way back - they wanted to run. i did not want to run. i kept yanking on the reins to slow down my horse - he wasn't thrilled, but he obeyed. cool, i can handle this.

well, not for long. before i knew it, the yanking was having no effect on him whatsoever and my horse (and i) are galloping down the beach at full speed, well past everyone else. i'm screaming my head off, yelling and cursing hysterically in english, spanish, and whatever flies out of my mouth in an effort to get help, to make him stop. it was HORRENDOUS. i've never been so scared in my life. my friend, one of the more experienced riders in the group, rides up and tries to force my horse into the water (we're on the beach don't forget) in an effort to slow him down. it's not working. i want to die. i'm afraid i'm going to die. ugh.

finally, after a failed attempt to hold onto his mane (cropped into a mohawk until about 3 inches below the bottom...fail.), i end up slipping off the left side of the horse and rolling in the sand. i'm so scared, angry, and hurt, all i can do is cry and lay there as a new wave washes over me from the ocean. awesome. by the time my friends have arrived and dragged me out of the water, i'm soaked and covered in sand. i'm sobbing. my camera and my phone are ruined. and my horse is god knows where. great experience, huh? well, it makes a good story anyway...

by the end of this fiasco, we actually weren't so far from the original place. i was given the option to hop on the back of the guide's horse with him to ride back and i said no. hell no. i know they say to get back up on the horse when you fall off, but sometimes you need a minute (or a month or a year, who knows), you know?

there's something to be said for perseverance and never giving up. hard work pays off in the end, it's true, and there's no way to learn without falling down first, yes, thank you, i've heard. but there's also something to be said for learning from the past, knowing your limits, knowing your goals, and taking things one day at a time. i will never be a star equestrian, and i know this. it doesn't mean i can't ride a horse to have fun, and this experience doesn't mean that i never will again - but i'm not going to get back up on the horse tomorrow because it isn't on my top list of priorities right now. i tried something new, i fell (it's ok and i'm ok), maybe i'll try again one day, but if i don't i don't think it'll kill me. so in the end, it really doesn't matter i guess, right?

it's like my experience here, though it's been a lot better in general, ha ha :) i'm trying something new and testing my limits, though to do it like this is important to me and i want to try even with doubts and failure looming in the distance. therein lies the difference, and i'm not ashamed to say that i probably won't seek out a horseback ride for a while...

how do you sleep? and in sleep, dream?

i'm getting word-obsessive again.

i finally busted out some of the 10-ish books i brought to hold me over for my first 7 months here this past week. there's nothing like reading to inspire me, open my mind, make me pensive, and just make me see everything --- differently. why is that? i don't know. i guess it's natural to start to relate things in your own life to the books you read, regardless of how different the story from reality. maybe it's just that when you sit down and read, you're constantly thinking and you're just able to go further. today i finished a book i started months ago for an "almost-realized" aiesec book club called the bridge on the drina. hard to find, but if you get the chance, it's an amazing blend of historical fact and its implications in personal lives, cultures, perceptions, politics, religion, etc. very much recommended. i started it in my narrow bedroom in my atlanta apartment, lying on my futon in a sea of blankets - i finished it today, months later, on the top of cerro santa lucia, a small hill situated in the middle of the city, decorated by plazas and a small castle dating from the beginning of santiago as a city, really. the mountians lingered in the distant clouds as i passed the afternoon reading on a bench in a touristy plaza and opened my mind a little bit more - muy tranquila la tarde.

now with some closure for this book, i've decided to invest my next reading efforts in reading a real book (ie not a kids' picture book) in spanish. i feel it's the next logical step in my development of learning the language, really. i love to read. why not? just hoping this next step won't drive me completely mad with frustration as i seek the release and thought-provoking sensation that reading now gives me --- not expecting it to be that easy, ha ha.

it's a big challenge for me though on a personal level, and i'm ready, i think :) after 4 months, i'm proficient enough in my spanish to spend my day chattering with some english thrown in for random words. i work with my team of vp's in spanish for the most part, and am now much better at conversing in english and switching instantly to spanish without the awkward "my brain doesn't want to switch" business going on :) and where did i learn zillions of new words as a kid and all throughout my lifetime of english? books. where did i learn about zillions of new ideas and find lots of inspiration? books. so what seems like the logical next place to turn to really develop myself here personally, professionally, and emotionally? people, of course ;) but also books.

part 2 of the journey starts this week.

el fondo - the background

ok, time to get nostalgic.

this morning, desperate for some music to offer inspiration, relaxation, and productivity, i decided to type in the radio station of my teenage years to google, just to see what would happen. sometime during college, i can't remember when exactly, this particular station went off the air and became a hi-def only station (ie inaccessible to me in my car) - but it was my station for a long time before that. oh, 99x, how i've missed you.

so it turns out that now my beloved station is back on the air at 97.9 instead of it's previous 99.7 (how's that for dyslexia?) ... and completly streamable (is that a word?) from its website! so after my 3 or 4 yr hiatus, ironically enough, i am again enjoying 99x, but this time from my living room in santiago, chile :)

i know you probably don't care too much about my radio station, or the one of my adolesence, as it was, but finding me has made me soooooo nostalgic. they even play a lot of the same mid-90's alternative songs that i grew up with, just like they've been stuck in a limbo this entire time. of course there's lots of new stuff mixed in too now that i don't recognize, but wow. nothing like a radio station, preserved in time, to bring you right back to it all, not just atlanta, but fayetteville.

i was one of the lucky/blessed ones that got a car shortly after my 16th birthday. my black 1998 honda accord that my sister now drives, on the road to atlanta for a concert in the summer - me and my friends blasting the radio while dyeing our hair pink, purple, blue, green, etc. in the kitchen sink at my house - the radio somewhere in the background at the neighborhood pool in the summers before work and international traveling took over - the radio blasting constantly from my room at home as i doused myself in body splash and put on mascara for some of my first dates (this is how i still get ready for dates, ha ha ha) - inspiration for my journal-writing in high school - nights spent exploring parks and sitting in the car talking forever - the drive home during christmas breaks during college after seeing friends from high school - nights spent finishing art projects and sewing projects - lazy afternoons with boyfriends - etc.

i never took the time to notice how omnipresent it was, this piece of my adolesence, as it was always in the background. but now, it's all too obvious. how much do you take for granted every day, things that you don't notice but are always there? and how much are they really shaping your reality in ways you can't even imagine?

i love the mountains outside my window here. i'm now accustomed to the sway of the metro and the weight of the air. reggaeton brings me right into a club, smoke hanging in the air, trying to mouth lyrics to a song that i really don't know. i crave the round, warm bread from the oven of the supermarket downstairs at the end of the workday. fracs and coffee are must-haves after lunch. sometimes nothing will do except an empanada de choclo y jamón. i love the view from the 23rd floor of my building after running like a maniac up the stairs. i love the view from cerro san cristobal at the end of the day. i love the chilean accent and words like flaite, lata, palta, weón, wea, cachai. this is what i live now, and i know it's something that will stay with me always, small as it is. and i know that be it chile, atlanta, new york, whatever, it's not the place that i think of when i reminisce - it's where i was in my life, what i was doing, what i was feeling, who i was with, what it was like to be there. this is nostalgia, saudades, extrañar algo, not my room. not my radio station.

you will always miss something, no matter where you end up. but not a place, not an object - everything together, that special combination that makes an experience what it is.

so take in everything - every smell, every texture, every taste, every sensation - and let that combination move you. you won't remember them individually later, but that combination - that's where the impression lies.

in my skin

there's nothing like the feeling of becoming comfortable in your own skin.

maybe it's the unexpected gifts from home that remind you of how good you really have it - maybe it's the ability to chill out with the roomies (of 3 months) and find that they've become some of your truly good friends - maybe it's that you know you'll be reunited with one of the most incredible people in your life in a matter of weeks - maybe it's the fact that you can go to a library full of books in a different language than your own and feel ok about reading one - maybe it's that you've come to understand why some of the things in your present city are how they are...and you're ok with that - maybe it's that reggaeton has become the newest part of your workout playlist - maybe it's that you've found your sweet spot for productivity (chocolate and café, anyone?) - maybe it's that your cellphone finally has more than 3 numbers in the contacts list - maybe it's that you finally feel qualified to show ppl around your adopted city - maybe it's that you realize that you're living all the things you read online 5 months ago - maybe it's that you can see the changes in yourself...and they don't worry or scare you.

maybe you've just adapted along the way and you don't know how or when - but it's cool :)

and you know it's not normal to live like this at this age, with this responsibility, with this opportunity - but who said normal was right?

septiembre

it's the first day of september.

spring arrives this month, a season that seemed so far when i arrived here in june. juan arrives this month, after what will be a 4 month separation :)

it's cloudy and chilly outside, but good things are coming.

gotta love looking forward :)