tmi

so i was talking to my mom on the phone last night, our first time talking since i had sent her an email with the url of this blog in it this past weekend (sorry about that btw, mom, i thought i had given it to you)...so even though i´m leaving in 1.5 weeks (eek!), apparently she and my dad had gone back through it to catch up on all that i may have or have not told them. not on purpose, of course, but i feel like this blog has not really told you guys much about what i´ve been actually doing since i´ve been here, more just my perceptions and reactions to all of those things...sorry about that, i hope i haven´t scared everyone away by now :D but anyway, yeah, so as we´re talking last night, my mom mentions that she´s read the blog and likes how it´s written and stuff, but then says, "some of the things seem so personal...why on earth would you put them on the internet?"

well, i thought about that.

i didn´t just think about me though...i thought of all the blogs i read by my friends, my fellow aiesecers around the world, all having unique adventures, all experiencing life in their own right, whether it be from home in the u.s. or places i can´t even imagine like kenya. i thought of all the inspirational, inflammatory, perceptive, horrifying, uplifting, etc. things that i´ve read on all of these blogs, and of the things i learned though i hadn´t been there in any sense of the word - physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. or even just readily. my friends have written about things that i may never experience, places i may never see, people that i may never encounter...yet in a way, through their words, their perceptions, and their revelations, i feel like maybe i´ve learned something too, or at least have been given the opportunity to consider things differently. i´m very lucky.

i guess i never thought about before how personal some of those things might have been to write...or maybe they weren´t really personal at all. and well, really, maybe some personal things are meant to be shared - the way we understand (in english anyway) the word "personal" in such a context is to mean that something is very intense emotionally or mentally for someone, and therefore private and not meant to be shared. but this is, after all, only an understanding.

so in my case, i guess, there were times when i just needed release, when the frustrations of my life here were just too much...maybe i rambled. but really, i don´t know, maybe i felt it was good to put that new perspective out there. i would never try to force my perspective on anyone, especially about subjective-type things like religion, relationships, and people...i believe what i believe, though this has never been nor will it ever be set in stone, my time here has taught me that. question everything, try everything, jump right in, because sometimes you need that #1. to appreciate what you had #2. learn what you want #3. see what you can do. no one ever made a difference by sitting, watching the world pass them by...common sense, you think, right? well, i don´t know.

i´ve met people here that talk about the economic and social situations here in brazil, those with a huuuuge gap between the rich and poor, then turn around and talk about those in the u.s. like they´re perfect with a hint of resentment in their voices. they talk about my country like we have caused the world´s problems and that we only continue to fuel them further through our actions. i´m asked questions like, "why do you do this? why do you dress like this? why don´t you do this?" random people on the street reach out and touch me (arms for grabbing to get your attention, hair for who knows why, ha ha). i see people limping along on the sidewalk with deformed limbs, dirty, always asking for money, i feel horrible telling a mother with a small infant that no, i don´t have any money as she hikes the baby up on her thin hip and walks to the next passerby, it breaks my heart but makes me mad at the same time as i approach a ticket window in the bus station surrounded by an entire family, all asking for money...an entire family! the construction in the city to expand roads and build new pedestrian walkways speaks of progress while people are sleeping on cardboard boxes at the bottom of my office building - my host mom tells me the other day that appearances are so important here that sometimes people would rather spend what little money they have on clothes and shoes than on food...what???

the people here are amazing - open, warm, caring, full of life...but there´s suffering and poverty sitting next to comfort and luxury - people will pay r$70 for a bottle of victoria´s secret body lotion to elevate their status, even if they don´t really have the money for things like that - the taxes here are ridiculous, especially on imported items. in some ways, understandable, but where is it going? how does a favela end up next to a brand new mall?

don´t get me wrong, i´ve come to love this city as my own, but i just don´t understand some of the realities here, and though the ideas expressed here are my personal thoughts, i don´t feel that they´ll do me or anyone else much good if i never talk about them.

so in summary, i guess i think it´s important to be challenged, especially when that challenge goes against anything you´ve ever known to be true or will ever know, or maybe even things you´ll never know. thank you to everyone who has helped me expand my perspective a little more, and thank you, mom, for making me think about this. and maybe we all should a little bit - your experience might be the only glimpse someone ever has into the people, language, and culture of your location, of your reality...make it count.

some revelations

my experience here in brazil has taught me a lot about a lot of things in a lot of ways...i know i just used "a lot" a lot, but i´ve noticed that i tend to do that in general - maybe i´m extreme? i don´t know, but people here make fun of me for saying "muito" a lot (the portuguese equivalent of "a lot") too...ok, tangent, sorry :)

anyway, back to my original point, talk about a dynamic experience - in some ways i feel more prepared for the world ahead with all of the skills and knowledge i´ve gained. in other ways, i feel more unprepared than ever, since as the saying goes, "the more you learn, the less you realize you know," or something like that. anyway, so i know what kinds of non-concrete things i want out of a profession, well, out of life really. helpful, but not so much...still have lots of options, but that´s a good thing i guess, right? anyway, some of what i´ve discovered is as follows:

for a profession...
- helping out the world environmental situation somehow (loooooots of options for this...)
- making the rules, not following them
- open environment with friendly people and lots of interpersonal communication
- not sitting at a desk all day...variety!
- ok, adding to the last one, being OUTSIDE!!! damn, it´s a beautiful world :)
- some people in this world are crazy and ignorant, sometimes not through fault of their own, and since change comes from people, not from technology, i want to work with people, not crunch numbers all day
- i want to travel!!!
- variety of work
- one day i want to have a family of my own...some room for flexibility would be nice (eventually, of course, ha ha)
- i like problem solving in creative ways (well, i´d like to think i can do that anyway) -- make me think, mmk?
- i looooove learning about other cultures, languages, etc...ah yes, and words fascinate me (i´m sure you can see i´ve turned into a writing addict...)
- i want to do work without feeling like i´m working

ah, i also had another revelation today (well, maybe not revelation to everyone, this might be true only in my opinion) - i think you only get as old as you allow yourself to become. you always get older, sure, but not old necessarily...big thank you to my cousin carrie for this inspiration :)

tchau!

refreshing.

i work on the 7th floor of a building situated in one of the more commercial districts of the city. there are constantly people passing by on the street below, tons of street vendors selling everything from candy to acarajé to pastries to electronics to clothes, etc, and a constant, steady stream of cars and buses. the environment is very city-like - always motion, always the noise of a diesel engine or portuguese chatter, always the smell of freshly-baked pastries, always the vivid colors of fresh fruit lining the alleys and sidewalks. usually, in my office 7 floors above this commotion, i´m shut off from this until 12pm hits and hunger demands my descent.



today, however, the a/c in my office is broken. 2 entire walls of the office are composed only of windows, and they´re all open, letting in the faint sea breeze as it weaves through 2 blocks of other buildings, the smells, and the sounds of the street. today i feel like a part of the city as i sit in my cubicle 7 floors above it all, and it feels amazing.



why can´t the a/c break every day?

"well i guess this is growing up"

so lately i´ve been coming to terms with my limited time remaining here...2 1/2 weeks. i´ve had ups and downs when thinking about staying here and returning to the u.s. that have now found an equilibrium of confusion, feeling like forever an outsider yet like i´ve always belonged. i´m not really sure of the best way to organize my thoughts on this, so i´m just going to bullet it out and take it from there - i love this not knowing where things are going business, it´s like putting my ipod on random and always being surprised :D

anyway, i´ve come to terms with the fact that there´s still a lot i don´t understand about a lot of things, including myself, other people, other cultures, and my own culture...let´s enumerate, shall we?

things i don´t understand about brazil/brazilian culture, etc.
- still lots of words, but at least i can read the newspaper and participate in social gatherings where only portuguese is used :) progress, progress...
- why appearances are so important (i think it´s different than in the u.s.)
- how people eat what they eat here and still stay so thin!
- how no one seems to mind the tiny swimsuits...sorry, i just can´t get used to it, ha ha ha :)
- i don´t like planning every single thing out, but sometimes you need it...people here don´t seem to do this/follow them if they have them as a general rule
- how such happy, relaxed people can be capable of such violence (which i still haven´t seen) *more on this topic later*
- racism (but it´s everywhere, in all countries in one form or another, let´s be honest)
- why gas is so expensive here? i research this stuff for my job, it just doesn´t make sense...
- i´ve gotten more used to the time thing, but it still bothers me sometimes

things i don´t understand about the u.s./american culture/etc.
- why everyone is so attached to their cars and feels the need to drive everywhere (although granted, infrastructure leaves little choice sometimes)
- why dinner is our biggest meal (big lunch, little dinner is healthier :D)
- everyone´s super sensitive (political correctness, anyone?)
- racism (we have it too...)
- workaholicism (more holidays, yay!)
- why people are still driving huuuuuge suv´s and trucks...i understand if you just can´t afford to change cars right now, but why go out and keep buying them?
- why don´t we greet eachother with hugs at least? (i met ppl here that couldn´t believe we don´t kiss on the cheek when we meet someone)

...i´m sure there´s more, but you get the idea...

and now, the hardest part of all...things i don´t understand about myself.
- how i can still be so sensitive sometimes and take things personally when in my mind i know it´s either not worth it, wrong, or just that it shouldn´t matter that much
- why i am so hard on myself sometimes
- why i love the idea of being out of my comfort zone until i get there, ha ha :)
- what i want to do with my life (career-wise, i think i know what intangible things i want out of life at least)
- why i´m horrible at making small talk
- why i love chocolate so much (really, it´s awesome but a little ridiculous, ha ha)
- how i can be really excited/happy and down in the same day
- shy sometimes but outgoing sometimes? i don´t get it...
- why sometimes i´m scared of the very things that should make me excited (ie before i came here with no one to depend on but a bunch of aiesecers that i´d never met)
- why i love challenging myself
- my inner writer/musician/artist...i feel like i lost this person somewhere along the way :(
- do i really want to be an engineer?
- am i a hermit or a socialite? sometimes i feel like both...
- what makes me click with certain people? just curious... :)
- i want to make a mark...somewhere, somehow...am i going in the right direction?

about that last one, i´m sure we all want to do this somehow...some ppl already know how they will, most like me, don´t. then the hardest thing to figure out (or not figure out, sometimes that makes more sense as the case might be) is first of all, in which direction we´re going, and second of all, if it´s the one we want...

in a lot of ways i know i´m going the right direction, for example, as far as my personal relationships go :) but me getting in touch with me? ainda não...

morro de são paulo...in pictures :)

remnants of the past - the portuguese must´ve thought they´d landed in paradise

a living art - capoeira in spontaneity

natural beauty - reflections on the end of a day

a beautiful view? or an adventure?

a few of my views of morro de são paulo.

i know i´m not alone on this one

so i found something out yesterday that made me sad, and i know i shouldn´t take it personally, but i still can´t help but feel that way even a little...anyway, i´m not sure where he found the information, but one of the kids from aiesec told me that apparently 66.6% (more or less) brazilians don´t like americans. damn.

i realize that this is one of the reasons why i´m here in the first place, it´s the reason that people need to travel and meet people from other cultures and try to understand eachother. it´s the reason we can´t judge accurately from a first impression and generalize about the people of an entire culture. i know i know i know. but still, for me to be one american in the midst of 66% of the population of a huge country makes me feel very overwhelmed, like it´s just too much for 1 person to take on, and to realize that over 1/2 of the people i walk past on the street every day might not like me if they knew i was american...it feels unfair, and i know that americans do it too, and even to each other.

why??? we´re all people, right? i realize that the u.s. hasn´t had some of the most, um, globally-approved of policies lately or even the most well-liked president, but it makes me sad how sometimes people either haven´t had the opportunity or the desire to look beyond this to the people themselves. it´s made me vacilliate between loving and feeling ashamed of my country since i´ve been here, which i guess isn´t really good or bad. i realize that no one is perfect, and the u.s. is no exception, and it´s not like i personally took some of the iniatives that others have found so offensive...i can´t help but feel now, though, in a time when oil prices are rising through the roof, economies are slowing, and people are starting to feel an economic crunch that they haven´t felt in years, though it doesn´t seem probably or plausible (because of the cost), now is the time when we need to be trying to understand each other more than ever. one country can´t fix this by itself. one person can´t fix this by himself/herself. but if there were a bunch of us, maybe it´d all add up to be enough.

so i comfort myself by thinking of myself as one of this bunch...i hope there´s enough of us.

touristy, but not...and we´re tourists, but not...

oh, the craziness! so this past weekend, me, david (the canadian trainee), lisa (former american bh, brazil trainee now studying in salvador), and shaynee (american studying in salvador) set out for morro de são paulo, an island off the coast about 2 hrs by boat from salvador. well, 2 hrs if you pay r$60 for a 1-way ticket on a catamaran...i don´t think so. we decided to take the "road less traveled," or maybe more traveled really since it´s the way that the locals all go when they want to visit this beautiful place...yay for living with and hanging out with locals :D

so our voyage looked like this...bus #1 from home (and we all live in different neighborhoods so this was solo) to the ferry boat place (pronounced fe-hee booch)...ferry boat (approx. 45 mins) to itaparica, an island off the coast...bus#2 (approx. 1.5 hrs) from bom despacho, itaparica to valença, a city back on the mainland...boat #2 (approx. 30 mins) from valença to morro de são paulo, our final destination. we paid a total of r$25 each way for this trip, less than half of the cost for the direct catamaran! aaaaand, since we didn´t go through as much open sea, the boat rides were much calmer and didn´t have ppl hanging over the edge puking the whole time (from sources on the catamaran, this was the case, eek!). anyway, so that´s the how. but what did we do there, you might ask?

relax! while it rained in salvador all weekend (normal this time of year), we enjoyed sunny, hot weather perfect for hiking to the lighthouse at the top of the morro (hill in english), swimming in the ocean, intending to just chill on the beach but actually passing out, enjoying caipirinhas with freshly blended fruit, eating delicious traditional brazilian food, always a meat with rice, beans, farofa (kinda like this powder stuff that you put on your food to give it more weight, i´d never seen it before i came here), and small salad, and in my case, guaraná (best soda ever :D)...anytime you´re in a beach town you can probably do the same kind of relaxation things, but here´s the thing about this town...it was touristy but not. everything was appealing, the way the shops looked, the things they sold, the way the town was set up (streets made of sand, no cars, everything walking distance, ppl walking around in swimsuits and cangas, music everywhere, etc) - it had to have been planned at least a little. it didn´t feel fake though, like how disney world is almost too clean and perfect to be true, you know? things had character and seemed authentic and personal...the people were nice and loved talking to you (if you could get your portuguese together, of course, ha ha) - it really felt like a paradise, the whole package. i´ve never been to a place quite that authentic-feeling and perfect at the same time, like i said, touristy but not. there are pictures on my facebook, but i´ll try to put some here too later :)

and then i got to thinking...how perfect for us! as a trainee, you´re like a tourist but not, definitely not. we didn´t pay extravagant amts of money like a lot of tourists would do (like for the catamaran for example) because we´re a little more than that here, we live here. we take the bus to work/school like all the of the brazilians, i go home and eat home cooked food in a house in one of the more residential parts of town, i go to the bars and clubs that my friends here go to and pay what they pay...it´s different, yet i´d never been to morro de são paulo, which is one of those places that lots of ppl from salvador have been to, at least. i´d never seen pelourinho, the beautiful old part of salvador when i first arrived, and before i leave, i have to return to buy gifts to bring home and take some last meaningful photos :) there´s still so much i haven´t done here and so much that i have more to learn yet i´ve learned and now know so much already. so i´m not a tourist then. but i´m not a native nor a local.

so what does that make me? to be honest, there´s so much of my own country i still haven´t seen. so am i the same here as i am there? no, but on paper who would know?

they say that home is where the heart is...i think that´s true. but i also think you can have more than one home.

i need background music

i´ve loved music for a very very long time. i grew up playing an instrument (yay flute, ha ha), singing in the car and in the shower, and listening to music as much as possible, including during studying (sorry, holly) and sleeping (sorry again, holly), working out, on long car/plane/train trips, and even walking to class with the wonderful invention of the mp3 player (thank you, whoever´s responsible for this :D) - i really love music. i love most kinds, not all, but i´m open to anything that has a good beat, inspiring lyrics, insatiable soul, and creates an atmosphere that suits my mood...i´m not too hard to please :) through being out of my environment a little bit in terms of music here in salvador, i´ve come to discover some new things about it and my connection to it. maybe i should first tell you about how music is here though so you´ll understand what i mean a little better...

brazilians are known as party-loving people, in general. this is true, they loooove parties, dancing, music, food, and everything that comes with it. sweet, who doesn´t? in salvador especially, everyone is happy, helpful, hospitable, and loves loves loves music, lots of kinds...reggae, pop, rock/alternative, axé (carnival music), samba, forró (são joão music), pagode, arrocha, funk, electronica, mixes of all of these, etc. i´ve encountered so many new kinds since i´ve been here and i love them all...yay for a music-loving city and people! i have some cd´s but no cd player so i end up really only listening to it on my own when i´m at a compter (ie work or at home (sometimes)). i don´t know what it is about music, but it helps me concentrate, always has. the cool thing about listening to all of these different kinds, though, is the inspiration i get...the different feelings and moods of the music give me different ideas and i feel like have almost expanding my thinking in some ways, not to mention that listening to music in a different language helps you learn it. that´s one of the things i realized today while listening to some of my brazilian songs - it´s like a new song every day because i understand a little more, yay! even with songs in english, you can hear new things every time you listen, how cool is that?

the music scene in atl isn´t horrible, but i´m definitely going to miss the attitude toward music in general here, as well as the scene. what is it about music that makes people want to jump around like maniacs then cry then chill in a hammock next to the beach? how can one thing be so diverse and create such a diversity of feelings? and how did people all over the world come up with so many different types? i´ve heard beats and combinations of instruments i never would´ve thought of here, and it´s great. and i definitely feel like knowing someone´s music you come to learn a little more (or maybe even a lot more) about them, especially in terms of a culture.

i went to a brazilian wedding last weekend. the reception was all brazilian music, especially axé and samba since the couple had met at carnival. the bride and groom wore carnival-type accessories (glowing necklaces, fuzzy crowns, etc), and everyone danced until after 3am. when´s the last time you saw that in a wedding?

welcome to brazil :)

p.s. - if you want to hear some of this music let me know and i´ll try to send you some :D beijos.

happy birthday u.s.a. :D

so here i am, for the second year in a row, not in the u.s. for the 4th of july. weird. i still went to work today and there aren´t patriotic songs and american flags hanging all over the place, but it is still my independence day :) i actually almost even forgot it was today since there wasn´t anyone or anything around to remind me until one of my brazilian co-workers wished me a happy 4th of july...i was a little surprised, much as i am when i meet someone for the first time and they speak english to me. pleasant surprise though :D

to everyone in the u.s., live it up today :) as much as traveling has taught me and allowed me to experience and appreciate other cultures, it´s also taught me to appreciate my own too, and i´m very proud to call myself american despite some of the things i´ve heard about americans here that might or might not have been true. well, no one´s perfect i guess, but yay for fireworks, family, friends, cookouts, parades, beer, and a blue summer sky :)

happy birthday, america.

i´m just going to see where this goes...

so i feel like writing, but not about anything in particular. we´ll see where this goes, ha ha :)

today i got to experience my second independence day in another country (well, not my own quite yet, but i was in paris for july 14 last summer and today was bahian independence day). yes, i did say bahian independence day, not brazilian independence day. although the holiday-loving people of bahia celebrate the normal brazilian independence day in september, they also have their own on july 2...how awesome is that? i didn´t work today, despite the fact that we didn´t work monday and tuesday of last week due to são joão holidays either - but that´s besides the point. anyway, not working allowed me to go out to campo grande, a big praça near the old part of the city, for the celebration :)

the parade had started at 3pm and was finishing in campo grande, so we figured we´d be fine arriving at 4 or so. it was fine, the parade hadn´t made it there yet, but the set-up was unlike anything i´ve ever seen in terms of an independence day celebration. there were random people with horses giving rides to little kids down the middle of the street, through the middle of the praça, etc., vendors selling everything from small brazilian/bahian flags to steak on a stick to earrings to beer to ice cream, people wandering all over the place just talking and eating, and even cars still coming by sometimes since all of the streets weren´t closed yet. it was a type of organized chaos, i suppose. then came the parade. i´ve seen a lot of parades in my life, though all of them were either in the u.s. or western europe, and they had a very different style than this one. like the u.s., this one had lots of bands, marching bands that dress in the military-style uniforms playing patriotic songs and stuff like that, and here one band even gave a pretty riveting rendition of "i believe i can fly" ha ha :) the difference here, though, was that the parade seemed completely open. people stood on the side of the streets to watch but had no problem falling in step with the people walking in the parade to make their own way down the street. there were sometimes gaps of 5 minutes in between pieces of the parade with these random people walking in between, and a couple of times the parade even changed direction halfway through! also, sometimes the bands would completely stop, turn and face the crowds on either side, and give a mini-concert with some fancy marching thrown in. it seemed more like a show than a parade, something i´ve never really seen before quite in that form. it was a good experience though :)

when you go to an event like this where people come out to support their country and celebrate their lives there, it really hits you, the way the people view the event more than the things going on in the event itself. i´ve been going to 4th of july fireworks shows, cooking out with family, and just relaxing on independence day since i was a child, i´ve loved it :) it´s the same here...families were there, the kids running around with little brazil/bahia flags and eating ice cream. take out the parade and the performances and the infrastructure of the whole event, and you have the same emotions pulsing through the crowds, the same feeling of celebration as what i had experienced all of my life as a child in the u.s. seeing the differences here brought me back a little to that feeling, which is good considering that on friday when it really is the 4th of july i´ll be the only one celebrating here, ha ha.

i really liked being a part of something that´s so important here, and even something that every country shares when it recognizes a special day just for its celebration of being. i love seeing pride in people´s eyes as they point out special songs or costumes to their children, who will grow up to hopefully be those same proud people. in the midst of the bahian celebration, i was proud to be american and happy to be bahian for the day at the same time - there is, after all, more than enough love to go around :D