tmi

so i was talking to my mom on the phone last night, our first time talking since i had sent her an email with the url of this blog in it this past weekend (sorry about that btw, mom, i thought i had given it to you)...so even though i´m leaving in 1.5 weeks (eek!), apparently she and my dad had gone back through it to catch up on all that i may have or have not told them. not on purpose, of course, but i feel like this blog has not really told you guys much about what i´ve been actually doing since i´ve been here, more just my perceptions and reactions to all of those things...sorry about that, i hope i haven´t scared everyone away by now :D but anyway, yeah, so as we´re talking last night, my mom mentions that she´s read the blog and likes how it´s written and stuff, but then says, "some of the things seem so personal...why on earth would you put them on the internet?"

well, i thought about that.

i didn´t just think about me though...i thought of all the blogs i read by my friends, my fellow aiesecers around the world, all having unique adventures, all experiencing life in their own right, whether it be from home in the u.s. or places i can´t even imagine like kenya. i thought of all the inspirational, inflammatory, perceptive, horrifying, uplifting, etc. things that i´ve read on all of these blogs, and of the things i learned though i hadn´t been there in any sense of the word - physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. or even just readily. my friends have written about things that i may never experience, places i may never see, people that i may never encounter...yet in a way, through their words, their perceptions, and their revelations, i feel like maybe i´ve learned something too, or at least have been given the opportunity to consider things differently. i´m very lucky.

i guess i never thought about before how personal some of those things might have been to write...or maybe they weren´t really personal at all. and well, really, maybe some personal things are meant to be shared - the way we understand (in english anyway) the word "personal" in such a context is to mean that something is very intense emotionally or mentally for someone, and therefore private and not meant to be shared. but this is, after all, only an understanding.

so in my case, i guess, there were times when i just needed release, when the frustrations of my life here were just too much...maybe i rambled. but really, i don´t know, maybe i felt it was good to put that new perspective out there. i would never try to force my perspective on anyone, especially about subjective-type things like religion, relationships, and people...i believe what i believe, though this has never been nor will it ever be set in stone, my time here has taught me that. question everything, try everything, jump right in, because sometimes you need that #1. to appreciate what you had #2. learn what you want #3. see what you can do. no one ever made a difference by sitting, watching the world pass them by...common sense, you think, right? well, i don´t know.

i´ve met people here that talk about the economic and social situations here in brazil, those with a huuuuge gap between the rich and poor, then turn around and talk about those in the u.s. like they´re perfect with a hint of resentment in their voices. they talk about my country like we have caused the world´s problems and that we only continue to fuel them further through our actions. i´m asked questions like, "why do you do this? why do you dress like this? why don´t you do this?" random people on the street reach out and touch me (arms for grabbing to get your attention, hair for who knows why, ha ha). i see people limping along on the sidewalk with deformed limbs, dirty, always asking for money, i feel horrible telling a mother with a small infant that no, i don´t have any money as she hikes the baby up on her thin hip and walks to the next passerby, it breaks my heart but makes me mad at the same time as i approach a ticket window in the bus station surrounded by an entire family, all asking for money...an entire family! the construction in the city to expand roads and build new pedestrian walkways speaks of progress while people are sleeping on cardboard boxes at the bottom of my office building - my host mom tells me the other day that appearances are so important here that sometimes people would rather spend what little money they have on clothes and shoes than on food...what???

the people here are amazing - open, warm, caring, full of life...but there´s suffering and poverty sitting next to comfort and luxury - people will pay r$70 for a bottle of victoria´s secret body lotion to elevate their status, even if they don´t really have the money for things like that - the taxes here are ridiculous, especially on imported items. in some ways, understandable, but where is it going? how does a favela end up next to a brand new mall?

don´t get me wrong, i´ve come to love this city as my own, but i just don´t understand some of the realities here, and though the ideas expressed here are my personal thoughts, i don´t feel that they´ll do me or anyone else much good if i never talk about them.

so in summary, i guess i think it´s important to be challenged, especially when that challenge goes against anything you´ve ever known to be true or will ever know, or maybe even things you´ll never know. thank you to everyone who has helped me expand my perspective a little more, and thank you, mom, for making me think about this. and maybe we all should a little bit - your experience might be the only glimpse someone ever has into the people, language, and culture of your location, of your reality...make it count.