"well i guess this is growing up"

so lately i´ve been coming to terms with my limited time remaining here...2 1/2 weeks. i´ve had ups and downs when thinking about staying here and returning to the u.s. that have now found an equilibrium of confusion, feeling like forever an outsider yet like i´ve always belonged. i´m not really sure of the best way to organize my thoughts on this, so i´m just going to bullet it out and take it from there - i love this not knowing where things are going business, it´s like putting my ipod on random and always being surprised :D

anyway, i´ve come to terms with the fact that there´s still a lot i don´t understand about a lot of things, including myself, other people, other cultures, and my own culture...let´s enumerate, shall we?

things i don´t understand about brazil/brazilian culture, etc.
- still lots of words, but at least i can read the newspaper and participate in social gatherings where only portuguese is used :) progress, progress...
- why appearances are so important (i think it´s different than in the u.s.)
- how people eat what they eat here and still stay so thin!
- how no one seems to mind the tiny swimsuits...sorry, i just can´t get used to it, ha ha ha :)
- i don´t like planning every single thing out, but sometimes you need it...people here don´t seem to do this/follow them if they have them as a general rule
- how such happy, relaxed people can be capable of such violence (which i still haven´t seen) *more on this topic later*
- racism (but it´s everywhere, in all countries in one form or another, let´s be honest)
- why gas is so expensive here? i research this stuff for my job, it just doesn´t make sense...
- i´ve gotten more used to the time thing, but it still bothers me sometimes

things i don´t understand about the u.s./american culture/etc.
- why everyone is so attached to their cars and feels the need to drive everywhere (although granted, infrastructure leaves little choice sometimes)
- why dinner is our biggest meal (big lunch, little dinner is healthier :D)
- everyone´s super sensitive (political correctness, anyone?)
- racism (we have it too...)
- workaholicism (more holidays, yay!)
- why people are still driving huuuuuge suv´s and trucks...i understand if you just can´t afford to change cars right now, but why go out and keep buying them?
- why don´t we greet eachother with hugs at least? (i met ppl here that couldn´t believe we don´t kiss on the cheek when we meet someone)

...i´m sure there´s more, but you get the idea...

and now, the hardest part of all...things i don´t understand about myself.
- how i can still be so sensitive sometimes and take things personally when in my mind i know it´s either not worth it, wrong, or just that it shouldn´t matter that much
- why i am so hard on myself sometimes
- why i love the idea of being out of my comfort zone until i get there, ha ha :)
- what i want to do with my life (career-wise, i think i know what intangible things i want out of life at least)
- why i´m horrible at making small talk
- why i love chocolate so much (really, it´s awesome but a little ridiculous, ha ha)
- how i can be really excited/happy and down in the same day
- shy sometimes but outgoing sometimes? i don´t get it...
- why sometimes i´m scared of the very things that should make me excited (ie before i came here with no one to depend on but a bunch of aiesecers that i´d never met)
- why i love challenging myself
- my inner writer/musician/artist...i feel like i lost this person somewhere along the way :(
- do i really want to be an engineer?
- am i a hermit or a socialite? sometimes i feel like both...
- what makes me click with certain people? just curious... :)
- i want to make a mark...somewhere, somehow...am i going in the right direction?

about that last one, i´m sure we all want to do this somehow...some ppl already know how they will, most like me, don´t. then the hardest thing to figure out (or not figure out, sometimes that makes more sense as the case might be) is first of all, in which direction we´re going, and second of all, if it´s the one we want...

in a lot of ways i know i´m going the right direction, for example, as far as my personal relationships go :) but me getting in touch with me? ainda não...