still searching...

as i research topics about which to write my environmental microbiology midterm paper, it strikes me how this process mirrors that of figuring out what i'm going to do after i graduate (again) in may. i was always very encouraging to my graduating friends last spring about finding jobs and "ah, you have lots of time." well, i guess that's how you look at it when you have an outsider's perspective. now i'm the one trying to decide what i want to do with my hugely broad degrees when all the characteristics i want in my ideal job don't exist all in the same job. oops.

on the one hand, i don't want to be too picky so that i'm ruling out things that i just don't know enough about to make a judgment...i mean, hey, i might end up liking them. at the same time, though, i've realized that potential employers seem to be looking for a concrete answer when they ask, "what do you want to do in my company?" damn. i've always been horrible at making decisions. so where's the happy medium? there's some things i know i don't want to do, but lots of things i just don't know enough about. i want to be open to these opportunities in which i have no experience, but how? it almost feels like a bit of a double standard. why can't i just be honest once in awhile and say, "i don't know?" what happened to honesty is the best policy? i don't want to feel like i'm lying to an employer when i'm looking for a job but supposedly it's expected...there's no way that everyone my age (and older!) knows exactly what they want to do with their lives...so we all lie. great. it's like dating, you know? how far does lying get you in the long run? as someone that has experience with this, trust me when i say it gets you to the wrong place.

i want to be honest. i want this honesty to be expected. i'm tired of being expected to know how i want to spend 1/3 of my day after i graduate college right now, agora mesmo. i know i can't expect to find my dream job (if i only knew what that was) right away, if at all...but what good is telling someone what they want to hear when it makes you cringe to hear it come out of your own mouth?

it's more than a job thing, it's a people thing. enough with the charades.