...on being a nomad

i´ve discovered a lot over the past 3 months...well, that´s an understatement really, ha ha :) and with as much as i´ve learned, i´ve further discovered that i know basically 1/5654165456465456498786465486 (or less) of all i could possibly know about in this world. wow.

the full realization of that hits pretty hard, especially since i just spent the last 18 years of my life getting educated, and after graduating with a college degree, i´m now realizing that i know basically nothing, ha ha :) it´s liberating in a way, since you still have such a far way to go, so many things left to explore - but it´s frustrating in a way too, since you still have such a far way to go. depends how you look at i guess, like with anything else.

kinda like my time here...3 days. i can´t believe it, it´s gone by so fast! what have i been doing with myself for the past 3 months? ok, working obviously, and hanging out with amazing aiesecers and other incredible people i´ve met here. but really, what have i done? in some ways i feel like a completely different person, but i don´t know why exactly, and i couldn´t tell you what about me has changed. maybe nothing´s changed, it´s just my perception. who knows. in some ways, though, i feel more like myself than ever...not an old self, necessarily, just a self, and i´m comfortable with that, maybe moreso than ever before. sweet.

well, regardless of what may or may not have changed over the past 3 months, this fact remains...i leave in 3 days, and i think i´m now starting to get my first taste or what it truly is to be a nomad. for a nomad, the world is your home, or nowhere´s your home, depends how you look at it. when i return to the u.s. for a little while i´ll be a stranger in my own country, which is good, that´s the point. i´ll be doing all over again what i did 3 months ago...leaving my home. except this time, i´ll be leaving friends here that i may realistically never see again (which i´ve been trying not to think about) and a place that even when (yes, when, i´m coming back one day :D) i return, will never quite be the same. it´s hard to think that this one piece of your life will never return, or at least not in the same way. but that´s how it is for a nomad that hangs out with nomads.

in the past year, i don´t think all of my aiesec friends have been in the same country at the same time. but that´s what aiesecers do...nomad...and somewhere along the way you have to accept that with this lifestyle, goodbye is hello and hello goodbye as much as i´m american-born and bred but can still be a stranger in my own country. a glorious paradox...frustrating, elating.

lately, i haven´t been able to stop thinking about atlanta and the people there that i´ve missed for the past 3 months, especially since i´m soooo close to seeing them. at the same time, though, i know i´m going to miss brazil and the people here too and want to live it up. so as a result, i´m crazy confused and torn all the time. it´s easy enough to say to concentrate on living it up here while i´m here, but when you´re down to 3, there´s no avoiding departure and thinking about what awaits you on the flip side. and there´s no shame if what´s waiting there for you gives you a huge smile just thinking about it :)

because after all, hello and goodbye are really one and the same. the italians, hawaiians, and everyone else that has one word that means hello and goodbye in their language had the right idea :D so really i guess in this case, my first taste of what it truly is to be a nomad, it´s all in my perception...hello or goodbye?

i´m indecisive...maybe i´ll just settle for ciao.