home.

amazing how "home" can feel foreign, yet as it always has at the same time. i think i first experienced this when i went away to college and would return home to my parents house for whatever reason...i knew that i didn't quite belong anymore, yet always would. my memories were embedded in my high school parking lot, the waffle house down the street, the park where i had gone many times to play pick-up soccer games with my friends, my bedroom which had seen hours on the phone, stolen kisses, and my angsty teenage artistic endeavors, ha ha :) everything, really. yet every time i came home, something had changed too...always new buildings, widening roads, new developments. life goes on after you leave, even if you once thought you would always be part of it and it a part of you. funny how that happens.

it felt like that (though on a bigger scale) when i arrived back in the u.s. yesterday. fayetteville looks as it always has, though there are some new buildings going up and road-widening projects going on, as usual. my family is the same, my boyfriend is the same, my friends are the same, my house is the same, my neighborhood, my car, everything...and we've all picked up where we left off. i see it all a little differently now though after living in a place so different. our roads are meandering, our houses spaced far apart, our cars large, our society a little quieter and reserved. i blend in here, everyone speaks english, and sometimes i even have to stop the portuguese words on the tip of my tongue when i speak as i did many times with english in brazil. i drove today and went to a coffee shop (not a popular thing in brazil)...things i always did, but felt so foreign for the day. i felt understood completely and completely misunderstood at the same time...so really, i almost fit in, i guess.

and all this after only 3 months! how did people i met only 3 months ago become such a big part of my life in such a short time? how did places so foreign become so familiar, and a culture so different meld with my own to create something that transcends boundaries? but transcending boundaries isn't always easy...i woke up with an upset stomach, a fever, and a raging headache today. not all adjustments come easily. :(

Que incrivel que eu possa sentir como uma nativa e uma estrangeira no mesmo tempo aqui. Eu tenho muitas lembrancas aqui, e por isso, eu acho que este lugar sempre sera um parte de minha vida. Contudo, depois de so 3 meses, eu sinto uma ligacao a Salvador mais forte que eu esperaria com um pouco tempo assim. aqui, eu sinto que pertenco mas pertenco la tambem...estranho. aqui, temos ruas meandros, temos mais espaco entre nossas casas, nossos carros sao mais grandes, e nossa sociedade e mais sossegada e fria. mas eu posso aceptar isso porque ate o verao passado, era tudo que eu saiba. agora, ainda eu posso aceptar-lo...mas agora, eu tenho algo mais...perguntas.

por que nos fazemos coisas assim? e por que no brasil, eles fazem coisas assim? e como posso sentir que eu pertenco com os dois mas nao pertenco tambem? eu sinto saudade para os amigos ainda no salvador, o mar, a cultura relaxada, a musica e comida diversas...minha vida la. mas aqui, eu adoro minha liberdade de transporte, de sabendo a lingua (muito bem, pelo menos), minha familia, meu namorado, meus amigos, meu espaco...minha vida aqui. parece que, entao, nunca vou sentir como estou completamente em casa, porque eu tenho muitas. mas se eu posso falar com as pessoas que fazem um lugar especial, sempre estarei em casa :)