"there's always something there to remind me"

if you'd been reading my blog around the end of may, you'd probably notice a feeling in my writing that is now decidedly absent from it nowadays...loneliness. it's not like i didn't have amazing friends and an awesome brazilian family in salvador, because i did. it's not like i was the only foreign person i knew for miles around, because i wasn't. and it's not like i was completely lost with the language and no one knew how to speak english, because that wasn't the case at all. it was just being new to everything, homesick for my friends and family here who have known me for my whole life pretty much, not understanding the culture completely, and just not feeling quite comfortable yet.

not an unreal expectation, i don't think. at first i was mad at myself for being homesick. i had thought myself to be more open-minded than that, and i was insulted (by myself, ha ha) that i couldn't handle everything perfectly and adapt instantly. well, now that i think about it...duh...how could i have done that??? that's the whole part of the exchange process. you learn a little about yourself (ok, a lot about yourself), a lot about where you are, a lot about the people there, and in the process, it becomes your home, well, if you let it :) i would now consider salvador to be my second home, and i can't wait to go back :D

as i was talking with my boyfriend last night, however, someone who supported me throughout my entire experience in Brazil, the times when i was upset, the times when i was excited, etc. i realized that i had actually learned something else very powerful during my time in brazil...not specific to brazil, really, but specific to any place, anywhere in the world. it depends where you call home, i guess. he's been away for about a week, and after wandering around by himself for awhile, said, "i know now how you felt when you were lonely in bahia." he'll be back within the week (yay!), but it doesn't take long...

when you step out of your comfort zone like that, leaving everything you know to throw yourself into a place where you don't know anything about the people, the culture, well, just life there, it can be lonely. and really, it doesn't stop being that way until you let the people there into your life, let them take root like the people you left behind did 10 yrs ago or whatever. it's not the place that makes it home, it's the people. that's who you take with you in your memories when you leave home, that's what makes you remember things you did, not just being there, but being with them. one of my most memorable nights in salvador, for instance, involves me, lina (colombian), mell (brazilian), and david (canadian) playing rock band until the early hours of the morning. we played for hours, switching instruments, laughing, singing, dancing, taking pictures, etc. i remember getting açai after work at the place down the street from my house with the girls and at one point, meeting all of the new trainees for the first time there :) i remember hopping on a bus in the pouring rain to see a friend (camila) sing in the concert hall downtown with lina and having to sit in the rain and wait for her to come out because we were too late. i remember riding in a packed, tiny ford to a wedding with my brazilian sister where i couldn't understand what was going on, but got the feeling of the whole experience.

these are the things that define brazil for me, my brazil. i remember the touristy things and the beautiful beaches and landscapes that i saw there, and will always remember them. i have pictures for that anyway, ha ha :) but those are not the things that make a place home, and when someone asks me how brazil was, that's not what i talk about. it's the people that made it real and the people that i will always remember. salvador will always be home because of those who i left behind that still stay in my memories, and so i'll never be lonely there again :)

but it takes awhile to get to that point sometimes, and unless you bring those people (physically) with you to a new place, no matter how beautiful it is, don't feel bad if you do feel lonely...it's normal, and it just means that it will take a little while longer to make it feel like home :) and when you get to that point, consider yourself lucky, blessed, whatev...because if we all really want to truly be "citizens of the world," we need to know the world, and carry a piece of it around with us in our memories, and miss it, and think not of it, but of its people when we call it home.

so i'm home right now in atlanta. my parents are home in fayetteville. my friends and brazilian family are home in salvador. and beyond that? only time will tell :)

a meus amigos e família no brasil...amo a vocês e não posso esperar ver-los de novo :)
beijos!