perfectionism, balance, and accepting yourself.

i wish i wasn't so tired (and needing to go to bed) so that i could write everything that i want right now. i wish i could describe how the past few days have truly changed my outlook on my experience and on myself within it - it seems i needed team days more than i ever thought i did. it's amazing what a little feedback can do for you, both positive and negative. you always think you see yourself for who you are and that you know yourself better than anyone; you never realize that you couldn't be further from the truth.

i've always been very critical of myself. a perfectionist, some would say. in high school it paid off - i graduated first in my class of 530 (más o menos). in college, however, this had to go - and fast. georgia tech knocked me down hard with my first (of what would become more) 45/100 on a test. perfect. you think you might have a fighting chance in being intelligent and then all of a sudden you're at the bottom of the class, fighting every day to keep your head above water in a sea of integrals, numbers, and variables. over the past 5 years, i learned to control my perfectionism, since not only would i have gone crazy if i didn't, it just wasn't possible for me. i learned how to balance my life among friends, extracurriculars, school, and myself, and it was glorious :)

so after finally getting the hang of it, here i am again, back to being 18 - cri.ti.cal.

understandably, i'm in a new (or many new) place(es). i've been in 3 cities in 2 countries in the past week, for instance. every day working. every day living. i love it. what better way to learn about yourself than to be thrown into a situation completely unfamiliar? it's all instinct, they say, who you are really - unless you're one of those, like me, whose mind can't shut up. i came here with certain expectations, which have been met, surpassed, and not even close in some cases. i've learned more in the past 2.5 months here than i learned in 4 yrs of high school and more about myself than i ever learned in college. i've been upset, sick, tired, elated, excited, exhausted, terrified, nervous, patient, impatient, confident, diffident, lost, sure, and so much more - and here i sit, tired as ever, writing.

i grow every day, yes, but it hasn't been easy. i'm still growing now. i hope i grow tomorrow, and i know i have so far to go but soooo much support to do it. i've felt more sure of myself today than i have in awhile, and it feels damn good.

bring it, i'm ready.