abraço.

been awhile...oops.

2010-02-11T20:04:00.003-05:00

so i do realize it's been over a month since i last posted...

though i would like to say that between traveling among 4 countries, organizing and facilitating a 7 day conference, spending time on the beach (it was one day), and living on a bus/boat/airplane, there wasn't much time. too much living i guess, you know?

so as of 1 january, i have a new team of vp's. almost none of them had experience when starting, but everyone was motivated to work - good thing ;) there's a lot to be said for that, i've realized - the motivation, the ganas (como dicen en espanol) - if you believe it you can achieve it kind of thing. as cheesy as it sounds, things are happening, and i like it :) i'd also like to think that i've had something to do with it, but only time will tell i guess. all in all, i've officially solidified my leadership style. i knew about it before, that i was never a dictator-type, more the be your friend and win trust like that type, but i was never strong enough, even in this...well, ladies and gentlemen, juanita/juana/johanna/jo/joha/juanitka/juanis has found her way - and so far, it's rockin :)

it's amazing what a difference it makes when you can teach someone something in the way you want them to understand it - the whole outlook changes. attitude. motivation. respect. everything.

my vp's are sending messages to each other almost every day. they're sharing their materials, opportunities, advice. and though they may not understand everything, they're asking, they're working, they're curious. they respect me, i respect them, i have faith in them and they in me. this semester is starting slow, but well. right now, i can't ask for much more.

on a personal note - can't believe i have only 4 more months here! loving having juan so close - parents come next week to visit - trying to keep in touch with home when i can - happy in summer overall :)

i think i need to move to a place with eternal summer...btw :)

hola, 2010!

2010-01-02T00:38:00.003-05:00

so here i am, now officially 1 day into 2010. the third decade in which i'm living. how did i get here? i've felt old and young, irresponsible and too responsible these past few days, just being in my home country.

i never lost my independence here, the independence that i've fought so hard for in chile, the independence that eluded me until almost the end of my time in brazil. it's something that's always been important to me and so i fight and struggle. it would be a lie to say that dropping yourself in a new country is easy and that you can start acting your age immediately - well, at least if you don't speak the language. i'm there now in chile, i got there in brazil, but not until after lots and lots of struggling. i landed here. i got in the car, and boom - i'm back where i was 7 months ago, independence-wise at least. my mind is a million miles away in some ways, completely content here in others. i can feel that i belong here and always will, just because i grew up here. i also belong in chile and brazil though, more in perspective than in appearance.

in the past week and a half that i've been here (in the u.s.), i've seen the majority of my extended family, spent lots of time with my immediate family, and have spent time with old friends ranging from 3rd grade to college. everything has been amazing, but there's something missing. i start to explain my life and my experience in southern cone and looks of interest turn to confusion - so, why are you there again? for how long? what exactly do you do? ah, so no engineering (yes, thank you, i know)? so, what's chile like?

i could talk about it all day to be honest if i didn't feel like i was boring and/or confusing people to death. so where does that put me now, at the end of this first day of 2010?

- i return to southern cone in 3 days

- on the other side of midterm goals (in my work)

- 1 week into yoga (and ready for more!)

- missing my boyfriend of 2.5 years

- realizing that my body doesn't react to a night of partying the same way it did in my first years of college

- speaking lots and lots of english

- listening and reading a lot in spanish

- uncertain about the future

- pleased with the past (and with saudades extremas)

- motivated, confident, and ready for something (not sure what yet)

- still without concrete goals

i don't want to limit myself with goals, and i know that they're important. i think my main goal for this year will be to find myself in a place. as you can see even in this blog, i haven't been in one place for long for the past 3 years - i love the traveling, the moving, the adventure. i've found parts of myself in various parts of the world, but each time i have to end up leaving a little bit of myself there. i want to find my challenge, i want to travel, i want to be emotionally and physically comfortable in a place long enough that i don't mind staying. not that i have a problem with atlanta, i'm just restless. i like it now, but i guess i just want to find and keep that independence (universal now, i hope) and use it to do something.

i want to do something this year, not just dream about it or talk about it. hold me to it.

productivity

2009-12-12T20:35:00.002-05:00

probably the most productive saturday i've had in awhile...

2 days ago i realized i'd be coming to mendoza to do lc coaching for the 3rd time with only 1 day to do 5 days worth of work. obviously, that didn't work out as planned. we were flexible though and still able to do a lot, and honestly, i think it's the most productive work day i've had since i've been here for coaching.

i spent the morning working with the new lcp-elect on his next immediate steps with the lc to ensure that they're all on the right track and motivated for next year. after a tasty lunch of yesterday's leftover pizza and some fresh empanadas, we got right to work with some new ep's that would go to brazil tomorrow if they could :) then came individual vision sessions with the new vp's of each area (that were able to come), which honestly, was enough. we also defined the next steps in the planning process and the guys should have everything ready to complete their plan before coco sur in january. i'm very content :)

very exhausted, but as they say, you have to take advantage of everything - tonight we'll be heading up to the mountains for an "electronica party" as i was told and of course i'm going despite the exhaustion ;) i deserve it after working like i did today, no?

i just keep telling myself that tomorrow i can just sleep on the bus on the way back to chile. wow. so fast.

u.s. in a week, coco sur in a month.

where is this year going???

día de gracias

2009-11-27T07:56:00.002-05:00

so yesterday was thanksgiving day (well, in the u.s. anyway). it was my first thanksgiving outside of the u.s. and without my family - and really here in chile, it was just another day. i worked like always and because i'd been sick with some kind of stomach bug for the past few days, wasn't feeling up to cooking and much less eating a full thanksgiving dinner. instead, juan and i decided to dedicate the day to all things from the u.s. instead of celebrating thanksgiving in the traditional way (thanks for agreeing to that, juan :D) - the day, after all, is more about what you're thankful for than necessarily eating the turkey, right?

i started the day in starbucks, it's really the greatest place to work ever - music, coffee, comfortable atmosphere, the perfect temperature (how do they do that???), huge windows, comfy couches, and a little touch of home, of course ;) then, like all good twilight fans, we went to the movies to see "new moon" at night - loved it :) but only after a dinner at the only taco bell i've seen in santiago...

so al fin, it was a good day, and today i think my body is finally feeling normal with the food thing - juan and i will cook tonight for my roommies and any others that come over to make up for yesterday and a cena tica that he wants to cook :) we'll see how it goes.

so not traditional, and not with my family, my first thanksgiving away - but thankful nonetheless for my amazing friends and boyfriend that i have here in santiago, my friends and family at home in the u.s., and the life that i'm so lucky to have in both places. that's what thanksgiving is, really :) and thank you to everyone here in chile that remembered - feels good to have a fiesta patria every once in awhile...

luscious

2009-11-17T16:50:00.004-05:00

a trip to valdivia (a city in the south of chile) has inspired me to eat healthier, or rather, fresher. we'll see how long it lasts, ha ha :)

enamorada with santiago in spring, my boyfriend living 15 minutes away (by bus, of course - i'm now the master of public transportation), my amazing friends/roomies/co-workers, our results here in southern cone, and getting back in shape :)

excited for christmas break in the u.s. with my family and friends there.

going to starbucks now for the second time this week. for a meeting, i promise :)

"sometimes i forget you're gringa. you have more flavor." - my feel good quote of the week, ha ha ha :)

looks like i have the adapting thing down...for now.

back and forth

2009-10-19T22:02:00.002-04:00

1 more night in buenos aires for awhile. is this really my life, to come here every couple of months from my home in santiago? is my home really in santiago right now, complete with job, apt, boyfriend, friends, and routine?

it doesn't feel real sometimes. i'm all over the place, working in a position beyond my years of experience, working and living with people from all over the world, living in another language, working in another language, traveling always, resting sometimes, enjoying everything.

though i've become so comfortable that sometimes i don't know what to say here... or maybe just busy. maybe the comfort is in that i'm never quite comfortable. or that i just never stop. or that now i recognize where my culture has come and gone into my life here.

so to be content is not to be content or comfortable - the challenge is always calling.

saturday night

2009-10-03T23:30:00.002-04:00

this was a culture/physical shock for me when i first arrived here. in the u.s., clubs close at 2 am - in santiago, you might not go out until 2 am and come home at 4:30, 5, 6, etc.

by now i'm used to it i guess. i never realized it, but i just came to expect it. it's 11:30 on saturday night and i'm sitting in my living room as my boyfriend takes a nap in the other room. i'd go lay down too but i'm afraid of falling asleep myself - this happened last night, ha ha :)

he found an apartment today - we walked from santiago centro and plaza de armas to the mercado central and back - we watched a chilean movie - we ate once :) it was a full day for sure and it felt amazing to spend a day like that again with him, it'd been awhile. and now comes the point when we should have gone out 2 hours ago and yet we're waiting - that's how it goes here.

well, live, learn, and adapt - talk like a chilean, eat like a chilean, go out like a chilean - that's what stretches us, to be able to do it and not think twice, to be comfortable with something so foreign. see it, understand it, do it.

thankful for the little things, completely content in mind, body, spirit - that's where i am now :)

i am truly truly lucky.

on "getting back up on the horse"

2009-09-23T22:27:00.004-04:00

it's a saying, i know, to get back up on the horse when you fall off. but how many people have actually fallen off a horse? while it was galloping? right, obviously not...

this weekend i went with one of my friends from the u.s., some friends from the lc here in santiago, and one of my roommates/colleagues (ha ha) to pichilemu, a beach town about 3 hours south of santiago. the town was small but set to the gorgeous background of a black-sand beach, rolling green valleys, and huge rocks rising out of an aqua sea. the scents of fish and friend empanadas filled the streets, as did all the tourists from around the world: families, college kids, surfers, etc. we stayed in a house for 30 people with a courtyard in the middle for parties and asados and passed the days sipping drinks, exploring the town on foot, and seeking new adventures ... one of these being riding horses.

horses are beautiful, powerful animals, i know, i know. riding them is fun, yes - if you know what you're doing. in my case, i wasn't so sure, nor were my legs long enough to really take advantage of the stirrups hanging from the sides of the saddle. yeah. wasn't so comfortable, but neither were lots of people, and the first half of our ride was chill, relaxing, and fun :) yay for being cool and riding horses on the beach! on of the most romantic things to do, right? the stuff fairy tales and romance novels are made of - perfect. well, yes and no...

so at the point where this picture was taken (the last i'm afraid my camera will ever take), we emerged from a trail behind the dunes onto the beach. gorgeous, as you can see. well, the horses got excited because the beach was wide and open after the small, narrow path and they knew that we were now on our way back - they wanted to run. i did not want to run. i kept yanking on the reins to slow down my horse - he wasn't thrilled, but he obeyed. cool, i can handle this.

well, not for long. before i knew it, the yanking was having no effect on him whatsoever and my horse (and i) are galloping down the beach at full speed, well past everyone else. i'm screaming my head off, yelling and cursing hysterically in english, spanish, and whatever flies out of my mouth in an effort to get help, to make him stop. it was HORRENDOUS. i've never been so scared in my life. my friend, one of the more experienced riders in the group, rides up and tries to force my horse into the water (we're on the beach don't forget) in an effort to slow him down. it's not working. i want to die. i'm afraid i'm going to die. ugh.

finally, after a failed attempt to hold onto his mane (cropped into a mohawk until about 3 inches below the bottom...fail.), i end up slipping off the left side of the horse and rolling in the sand. i'm so scared, angry, and hurt, all i can do is cry and lay there as a new wave washes over me from the ocean. awesome. by the time my friends have arrived and dragged me out of the water, i'm soaked and covered in sand. i'm sobbing. my camera and my phone are ruined. and my horse is god knows where. great experience, huh? well, it makes a good story anyway...

by the end of this fiasco, we actually weren't so far from the original place. i was given the option to hop on the back of the guide's horse with him to ride back and i said no. hell no. i know they say to get back up on the horse when you fall off, but sometimes you need a minute (or a month or a year, who knows), you know?

there's something to be said for perseverance and never giving up. hard work pays off in the end, it's true, and there's no way to learn without falling down first, yes, thank you, i've heard. but there's also something to be said for learning from the past, knowing your limits, knowing your goals, and taking things one day at a time. i will never be a star equestrian, and i know this. it doesn't mean i can't ride a horse to have fun, and this experience doesn't mean that i never will again - but i'm not going to get back up on the horse tomorrow because it isn't on my top list of priorities right now. i tried something new, i fell (it's ok and i'm ok), maybe i'll try again one day, but if i don't i don't think it'll kill me. so in the end, it really doesn't matter i guess, right?

it's like my experience here, though it's been a lot better in general, ha ha :) i'm trying something new and testing my limits, though to do it like this is important to me and i want to try even with doubts and failure looming in the distance. therein lies the difference, and i'm not ashamed to say that i probably won't seek out a horseback ride for a while...

how do you sleep? and in sleep, dream?

2009-09-13T20:56:00.002-04:00

i'm getting word-obsessive again.

i finally busted out some of the 10-ish books i brought to hold me over for my first 7 months here this past week. there's nothing like reading to inspire me, open my mind, make me pensive, and just make me see everything --- differently. why is that? i don't know. i guess it's natural to start to relate things in your own life to the books you read, regardless of how different the story from reality. maybe it's just that when you sit down and read, you're constantly thinking and you're just able to go further. today i finished a book i started months ago for an "almost-realized" aiesec book club called the bridge on the drina. hard to find, but if you get the chance, it's an amazing blend of historical fact and its implications in personal lives, cultures, perceptions, politics, religion, etc. very much recommended. i started it in my narrow bedroom in my atlanta apartment, lying on my futon in a sea of blankets - i finished it today, months later, on the top of cerro santa lucia, a small hill situated in the middle of the city, decorated by plazas and a small castle dating from the beginning of santiago as a city, really. the mountians lingered in the distant clouds as i passed the afternoon reading on a bench in a touristy plaza and opened my mind a little bit more - muy tranquila la tarde.

now with some closure for this book, i've decided to invest my next reading efforts in reading a real book (ie not a kids' picture book) in spanish. i feel it's the next logical step in my development of learning the language, really. i love to read. why not? just hoping this next step won't drive me completely mad with frustration as i seek the release and thought-provoking sensation that reading now gives me --- not expecting it to be that easy, ha ha.

it's a big challenge for me though on a personal level, and i'm ready, i think :) after 4 months, i'm proficient enough in my spanish to spend my day chattering with some english thrown in for random words. i work with my team of vp's in spanish for the most part, and am now much better at conversing in english and switching instantly to spanish without the awkward "my brain doesn't want to switch" business going on :) and where did i learn zillions of new words as a kid and all throughout my lifetime of english? books. where did i learn about zillions of new ideas and find lots of inspiration? books. so what seems like the logical next place to turn to really develop myself here personally, professionally, and emotionally? people, of course ;) but also books.

part 2 of the journey starts this week.

el fondo - the background

2009-09-08T21:22:00.003-04:00

ok, time to get nostalgic.

this morning, desperate for some music to offer inspiration, relaxation, and productivity, i decided to type in the radio station of my teenage years to google, just to see what would happen. sometime during college, i can't remember when exactly, this particular station went off the air and became a hi-def only station (ie inaccessible to me in my car) - but it was my station for a long time before that. oh, 99x, how i've missed you.

so it turns out that now my beloved station is back on the air at 97.9 instead of it's previous 99.7 (how's that for dyslexia?) ... and completly streamable (is that a word?) from its website! so after my 3 or 4 yr hiatus, ironically enough, i am again enjoying 99x, but this time from my living room in santiago, chile :)

i know you probably don't care too much about my radio station, or the one of my adolesence, as it was, but finding me has made me soooooo nostalgic. they even play a lot of the same mid-90's alternative songs that i grew up with, just like they've been stuck in a limbo this entire time. of course there's lots of new stuff mixed in too now that i don't recognize, but wow. nothing like a radio station, preserved in time, to bring you right back to it all, not just atlanta, but fayetteville.

i was one of the lucky/blessed ones that got a car shortly after my 16th birthday. my black 1998 honda accord that my sister now drives, on the road to atlanta for a concert in the summer - me and my friends blasting the radio while dyeing our hair pink, purple, blue, green, etc. in the kitchen sink at my house - the radio somewhere in the background at the neighborhood pool in the summers before work and international traveling took over - the radio blasting constantly from my room at home as i doused myself in body splash and put on mascara for some of my first dates (this is how i still get ready for dates, ha ha ha) - inspiration for my journal-writing in high school - nights spent exploring parks and sitting in the car talking forever - the drive home during christmas breaks during college after seeing friends from high school - nights spent finishing art projects and sewing projects - lazy afternoons with boyfriends - etc.

i never took the time to notice how omnipresent it was, this piece of my adolesence, as it was always in the background. but now, it's all too obvious. how much do you take for granted every day, things that you don't notice but are always there? and how much are they really shaping your reality in ways you can't even imagine?

i love the mountains outside my window here. i'm now accustomed to the sway of the metro and the weight of the air. reggaeton brings me right into a club, smoke hanging in the air, trying to mouth lyrics to a song that i really don't know. i crave the round, warm bread from the oven of the supermarket downstairs at the end of the workday. fracs and coffee are must-haves after lunch. sometimes nothing will do except an empanada de choclo y jamón. i love the view from the 23rd floor of my building after running like a maniac up the stairs. i love the view from cerro san cristobal at the end of the day. i love the chilean accent and words like flaite, lata, palta, weón, wea, cachai. this is what i live now, and i know it's something that will stay with me always, small as it is. and i know that be it chile, atlanta, new york, whatever, it's not the place that i think of when i reminisce - it's where i was in my life, what i was doing, what i was feeling, who i was with, what it was like to be there. this is nostalgia, saudades, extrañar algo, not my room. not my radio station.

you will always miss something, no matter where you end up. but not a place, not an object - everything together, that special combination that makes an experience what it is.

so take in everything - every smell, every texture, every taste, every sensation - and let that combination move you. you won't remember them individually later, but that combination - that's where the impression lies.

in my skin

2009-09-07T22:37:00.003-04:00

there's nothing like the feeling of becoming comfortable in your own skin.

maybe it's the unexpected gifts from home that remind you of how good you really have it - maybe it's the ability to chill out with the roomies (of 3 months) and find that they've become some of your truly good friends - maybe it's that you know you'll be reunited with one of the most incredible people in your life in a matter of weeks - maybe it's the fact that you can go to a library full of books in a different language than your own and feel ok about reading one - maybe it's that you've come to understand why some of the things in your present city are how they are...and you're ok with that - maybe it's that reggaeton has become the newest part of your workout playlist - maybe it's that you've found your sweet spot for productivity (chocolate and café, anyone?) - maybe it's that your cellphone finally has more than 3 numbers in the contacts list - maybe it's that you finally feel qualified to show ppl around your adopted city - maybe it's that you realize that you're living all the things you read online 5 months ago - maybe it's that you can see the changes in yourself...and they don't worry or scare you.

maybe you've just adapted along the way and you don't know how or when - but it's cool :)

and you know it's not normal to live like this at this age, with this responsibility, with this opportunity - but who said normal was right?

septiembre

2009-09-01T09:40:00.002-04:00

it's the first day of september.

spring arrives this month, a season that seemed so far when i arrived here in june. juan arrives this month, after what will be a 4 month separation :)

it's cloudy and chilly outside, but good things are coming.

gotta love looking forward :)

no sinusitis :D

2009-08-21T22:28:00.002-04:00

lucky me.

after 3 months (exactly yesterday!) here in southern cone, i've already had the pleasure of going through 1 box of claritin and visiting doctors in 2 different countries, yay! i think it's been my eternal winter this year - i just haven't been able to be my normally pretty healthy self. as we approach september, though, the month that everyone tells me signals the beginning of spring, i'm getting more hopeful :) i'm also planning to go to the pharmacy tomorrow to buy an awesome multi-vitamin that will hopefully build up my body's reinforcements :D but would this topic really be complete without an account of my experience of going to the doctor in argentina (since i've already written about chile)? didn't think so ;)

so after a busy weekend of going out every night and fun-filled days, my body wasn't having it. i woke up sunday morning with a sore throat and the dread that comes with knowing the next step... yup, a cold :( i immediately started with my claritin regimen, hoping to ward it off in time for my trip back to santiago on tuesday (which ended up being thursday, but whatever). no such luck. i woke up monday morning with my right eye so swollen i almost couldn't open it and a face completely in pain from sinus pressure. not to mention no appetite (that's when you know something's up) and just a general feeling of awfulness. tuesday followed suit, but with 2 swollen eyes. by wednesday, i wanted to go to the doctor, just to feel better. i arranged with my insurance company to attend a place called hospital alemán for the next day (the guy remembered me, ha ha) and that was that. they were going to send documentation to the hospital saying that they'd pay for everything so i wouldn't have to front the money - good thing, since my wallet with all of my credit cards (aka backup money) got stolen in the metro on wednesday...

well, i arrive to the hospital, which was really nice, by the way, and am told very nicely by an english-speaking clerk that they haven't received the documents from my insurance company and i'll have to front the 145 pesos if i want to be seen by the doctor. hmmm, no. my salary doesn't cover unexpected doctor's visits, unfortunately, and i think i'd prefer to eat this week. i leave and go to a locutorio down the street to call my insurance company - turns out they sent the documents to the right place, wrong person. i go back to the hospital and find that my trusty english-speaking person is gone - time to bust out the spanish and make sure i get treated for the right thing, ha ha ;) after speaking with someone else for about 10 minutes, my documents are finally located and i'm sent to a doctor, yay! this whole process took about 1 hr, just for reference :)

i go in to see the doctor, who kisses me as a greeting - very normal here, but dr./patient in a hospital clinic? not so sanitary... anyway, after doing the normal doctory things that the guy in chile did, pronouncing me officially with sinusitis, this doctor asks me to go downstairs and get an x-ray done...of my face. i tell him i can't pay extra but he insists my insurance will pay for it. ok, cool. but then he keeps my form, the very important form i worked so hard for. i go downstairs and wait in a line, only to have the woman tell me that she needs my document from the insurance company. i tell her the doctor has it upstairs. i wait 20 more minutes. the document arrives and i go to x-ray my face - first time i've ever had that done. easy and painless, and now i have a cool picture to show for it ;) i then go back upstairs, but not before spending about another hour for this whole process.

i go back upstairs to the doctor who glances at the picture and declares me overall healthy, just heavily congested. he then opens a drawer and starts handing me medicine - for free! that was something that i had been worried about, especially without the support of my backup funds - all of a sudden, i'm gifted with decongestants, nasal spray, and antibiotics (i'm not sure why since i suppposedly wasn't sick) - thank you, hospital alemán :) thank you, argentina!

so after 3 hrs, i arrive back in the office with my goody bag and my first doctor visit handled completely in spanish! i was proud of myself, and it makes me feel better knowing that i can do it if i need to and don't need to rely on someone catering to me. it's something i've been trying to get away from here, having to depend on people in other parts of the world that speak english - i like knowing that i can do what i need to do as it's done here, more independent :)

...and the nasal spray has cleared me right up :) also 27 hrs of rest on my journey from buenos aires to santiago, but that's another story.

a little bit of catch up

2009-08-17T12:21:00.002-04:00

so i realize it's been 2 weeks since i've posted, which even by my standards in the u.s. for posting on this thing is a long time. guess it goes to show how busy i've been lately, ha ha :) so what's been going on, you may ask?

well, we had a conference in tandil, argentina, a town about 6 hrs by bus from buenos aires. the theme of the conference was "shake it to exchange!" which i think we defninitely got across. i'm still getting emails from the lc's saying, "we're shaking it! we raised a form!" i. love. it. our intro dance as a team was even to a song called "shake it" (are we seeing enough of the theme here?), in which i acted like a crazy person yelling and headbanging in front of the entire plenary - eh, good start to my image, huh? the first couple days consisted of us explaining the current state of the region and getting feedback on our plan for the next year through lots of work with the lcp's and members of the executive boards in each committee. i hadn't thought it'd be a big deal, but when it came time for me to start speaking in front of everyone, i froze - i was terrified. i don't know what of, exactly. i've facilitated before many times and done public speaking-type things, but the whole environment was different. i felt like an outsider and like i wasn't getting across at all, and it came back in the feedback - they weren't seeing me as a leader. damn it. after hitting the 2.5 month mark of being away, trying to adapt to 2 different cultures, trying to learn the language, missing people back home, etc, it was just too much. i wanted to burst into tears after the second night and the thought of standing in front of everyone to prove to them that i was in fact qualified to be here only stressed me more.

but i did it.

as much as i wanted to deliver my sessions in spanish, just as a personal thing, i decided it had to go for me to do this as i wanted to do it. it's ok though, i did my functional tracks mainly in spanish and it was good :) they handed me a microphone. damn it. let's add to the craziness, no? but as i stood in the middle (mic in hand) and started talking, the words came out - and they weren't too bad :) the room was silent, all eyes looking at me, and i finally came out from behind my title and my teammates to show them that i did deserve to be here, that i am qualified, that i'm comfortable, and that i'm ready to lead. wow.

when you apply for a position like mc, the application makes it sound like you need to have all your competencies and fears in their proper places - that you're basically developed to where you need to be. what they don't tell you is how much room you still have and how much you will still grow.

i can't separate myself now from this experience, and i know that i never will. my future plans have altered already because of it, and i know that it's something i'll take with me for the rest of my life. if and when you have the chance to do something so profound - DO IT.

juan arrives in 4 weeks to stay for 9 months (at least) :) i couldn't be happier right now. bring on the adventure.

perfectionism, balance, and accepting yourself.

2009-08-03T00:52:00.002-04:00

i wish i wasn't so tired (and needing to go to bed) so that i could write everything that i want right now. i wish i could describe how the past few days have truly changed my outlook on my experience and on myself within it - it seems i needed team days more than i ever thought i did. it's amazing what a little feedback can do for you, both positive and negative. you always think you see yourself for who you are and that you know yourself better than anyone; you never realize that you couldn't be further from the truth.

i've always been very critical of myself. a perfectionist, some would say. in high school it paid off - i graduated first in my class of 530 (más o menos). in college, however, this had to go - and fast. georgia tech knocked me down hard with my first (of what would become more) 45/100 on a test. perfect. you think you might have a fighting chance in being intelligent and then all of a sudden you're at the bottom of the class, fighting every day to keep your head above water in a sea of integrals, numbers, and variables. over the past 5 years, i learned to control my perfectionism, since not only would i have gone crazy if i didn't, it just wasn't possible for me. i learned how to balance my life among friends, extracurriculars, school, and myself, and it was glorious :)

so after finally getting the hang of it, here i am again, back to being 18 - cri.ti.cal.

understandably, i'm in a new (or many new) place(es). i've been in 3 cities in 2 countries in the past week, for instance. every day working. every day living. i love it. what better way to learn about yourself than to be thrown into a situation completely unfamiliar? it's all instinct, they say, who you are really - unless you're one of those, like me, whose mind can't shut up. i came here with certain expectations, which have been met, surpassed, and not even close in some cases. i've learned more in the past 2.5 months here than i learned in 4 yrs of high school and more about myself than i ever learned in college. i've been upset, sick, tired, elated, excited, exhausted, terrified, nervous, patient, impatient, confident, diffident, lost, sure, and so much more - and here i sit, tired as ever, writing.

i grow every day, yes, but it hasn't been easy. i'm still growing now. i hope i grow tomorrow, and i know i have so far to go but soooo much support to do it. i've felt more sure of myself today than i have in awhile, and it feels damn good.

bring it, i'm ready.

just over the cordillera...

2009-07-30T00:40:00.002-04:00

...it's more different than i could've imagined - the other half of my team is here, working and living as we work and live in santiago but in a place so different yet the same - shhh - old friends are always up for some pizza and beer - less palta, more pasta - the air is truly beautiful :)

ah, buenos aires, gracias por invitarme.

and then you start thinking that you almost belong.

2009-07-22T00:33:00.002-04:00

i heard a quote from a friend today that made a lot of sense - it was funny, granted, but true.

"aiesecers know where they want to end up in life - they just don't know where they'll be next year."

how. true. if you had asked me a year ago what i'd be doing about now, i'd probably have told you that i'd be working in some environmental firm somewhere designing water treatment plants or something on the computer all day. if you had proceeded to tell me that i'd be living in chile in an apartment with no fridge, little furniture, 3 people from 3 different countries, and working for an administrative body of aiesec that oversees its operation in 3 completely foreign countries (to me), i probably would've laughed at you or given you the look like you'd gone crazy. my life here is incredible, really, and i sometimes have to stop and wonder how i even got here in the first place - sometimes i still just can't believe it.

when do people you've just met become friends? and when does a country and culture so foreign become yours? it's all very gradual, i guess, until one day you realize that you don't feel so out of place anymore - you almost belong.

tonight i went out with some friends to say goodbye to sarah, my fellow gringa who has been living here for the past 7 months - it'd weird to think that even a month ago i really only knew her by sight, and as of today, she really had become one of my friends here. she leaves tomorrow for the u.s. - she's at the end of her chilean journey. as she talked to me the other night about all the things she missed from home, simple things really, it struck me how long it would be for me until i'd have them. i don't have 7 months here yet, so i guess i'm just not feeling it quite as strongly. but i think it's something else too. at this point in my brazilian experience last summer, i was 3 weeks away from going home - and i could feel it. every day spent was another closer to home and the people there, not so much the things, but still. i loved my time there and i loved the people, but it was like having something else that i missed so much so close i could taste it - and a taste was all it took to make me miss it so much more.

right now i look at my journey and see 5 more months until i'll set foot on u.s. soil again, then another 5-6 afterwards back here in chile. 5 more months before i'll eat my mom's food or drive my car or sing to the mirror in my bedroom. whatever. but right now it's ok. right now i miss the people like mad - my family, my friends, my boyfriend (who hopefully i'll get to see soon!) - but not the things, and it's bearable i think because i know i won't see them for 5 months and i'm mentally prepared. but who knows - i can't lie, this cold rain is really making me want summer right now :)

anyway, i think it's the taste that tortures you the most in things like this, especially once you've adapted to another and almost felt like you belonged.

i know i'll never be chilean completely, but if i can be almost - enough to fit in, enough to appreciate my life here for what it is, enough to live - i'll be in the best position possible to live as i should, no matter where i am at the time.

and then there was one.

2009-07-17T00:06:00.002-04:00

i arrived to an apartment hosting 5 people - 2 months, 0.5 weeks ago

i lived with 7 people, only one a permanent future roommate, in this apartment - 1 month ago

i live with 2 people, both permanent roommates, in this apartment right now.

i will live alone for the weekend in this apartment that has hosted us all.

if only walls could talk.

adventures on the cerro

2009-07-12T11:53:00.003-04:00

some of you might remember that i posted a couple of weeks ago about cerro san cristobal, the "hill" (more like a small mountain) that houses the largest park in santiago :) for those of you who know me, you know - i. love. parks.

i skated as much as i could in piedmont park in atl - almost every city i traveled to in europe i desperately searched for a park to chill out in, to people watch, to sleep, to just decompress - here is no exception, especially since cerro san cristobal holds multiple parks (can you imagine?!) and even a zoo! not to mention its amazing views of the city from the top where the virgin stands watching over the city...

anyway, in accordance with my park obsession, i dragged some friends along with me yesterday for cerro san cristobal part deux, this time minus the running (though we did walk and accordingly get lost...). this time i thought far enough in advance to bring along my camera, hence the pictures :) there's still a lot left in this park to explore, and i'm really excited that it's a 15 minute walk from my apartment - i think i have found my favorite place in santiago.

UPDATE: ok, so for some reason blogger doesn't like me and won't let me put pictures up :( you'll find them in my facebook album though :D (they're at the end...)

rambling thoughts on misunderstanding - warning: it doesn't make much sense :)

2009-07-09T15:24:00.004-04:00

i feel like this has come up a lot lately for me - how? lots of ways - distance, language, culture - you know, the normal ones.

it's not always bad to be misunderstood, of course, but when it comes to really feeling comfortable in your skin and in your head in a place where both are pretty foreign, it can just be, well, frustrating. i'm not having problems with anyone here - no problems with my job, my life in general - i think my biggest problem is just figuring out how to do it all, to be my estadounidense self with all the ideas and perspectives that come with it, to be a sensitive foreigner in a different culture (well, more than that - to adapt), to relate to both cultures while really not completely relating to either. how am i supposed to do that? i never was the stereotypical american, i guess, but it was always pretty apparent to myself (and others many times too) where i was from. so for now i'm not chilean, but i'm beyond my american view too - i guess you can't be defined by a culture, though it is nice to relate to something. hmm, i'm rambling...

well, i am proud of my country and love it - it's not perfect, but that's ok, no country is. just because i meet americans here doesn't mean i have to like them or be like them - and if i do and am, well, i guess i have a new friend :) my friends here are from all over, and that's pretty cool - well, lots of my friends at home were too, including my boyfriend - and that's incredible too. i need to take things more as they are, i think - i get too far into my head and get lost, total waste of energy.

so for now, i'm just going to sit here and listen to my 311 and think of my high school summers in fayetteville spent driving in the oppressive heat to the lake or the movies or wherever - then when imogen heap comes on i'll think of my summer of indulgence and insatiable desire to travel (that still hasn't left me, obviously) in france - then when ivete sangalo comes on i'll be right back on the beach in brazil drinking beer and eating bolinhos as angry waves crash on the beach - and then reggaeton will come on and i'll be right here, right now, all of these things together. and that's what it is.

so please don't expect me to be one of these people all the time, or assume i am because i'm from where i'm from or i've been where i've been - i'm just me - i think too much, fall hard, trust fast, don't mind living simply, am always 15 minutes late, and would be content to just feel valuable, needed, loved, and appreciated - i'm not a "stuff" person really.

and if i'm going to be misunderstood, i'd prefer that it was this and not my home country or my adopted country or any other country or culture that got mixed up in the middle - if only the world were that simple :)

just like fiction

2009-07-06T16:03:00.003-04:00

it's a movie title, i know, but it was a good movie :) made you think about how what you do every day, no matter how mundane, really connects to everything else - cool topic, but i have too much work to catch up on to get into that right now, ha ha.

i just wanted to write this down before i forgot, since it happens that my best bursts of inspiration (or even just really seeing something for what feels like the first time) happen at the most random moments with no pen or paper in sight. anyway, this one came to me as i sat in the middle of 3 other girls in the back of a sub-compact car, driving down the dark highway leading to concepción from our venue about 45 minutes outside of town. i can't remember the name.

the spanish was flying, as i'm now accustomed to. the kind of techno you'd hear in a club in ibiza was flowing through the speakers as two girls in the back dozed and the guys in the front made small talk. i was sitting just listening and staring out the front window, hoping to catch a glimpse of what the countryside really looks like through the darkness - nope, ha ha. as i sat there listening and watching, i didn't quite have deja vu (as i've had lots and lots and lots of times since i've been here), but just a realization about it. well, i don't know. the thought just suddenly occurred to me that if i had dreamt about this moment, the ambience, the people - this everything - while still in the u.s., i probably would've woken up thinking, wtf? why the hell would i be in a car surrounded by people speaking spanish, techno, and flying down a dark highway in the middle of nowhere familiar? well, there i was :)

it's funny how something so random can seem so improbable - and suddenly it's your reality.

never say never...

a different view.

2009-06-27T16:38:00.003-04:00

i can't get over the mountains here. seriously, i'm a little obsessed and i think i'm starting to freak people out, ha ha :)

i've never lived in a place with mountains so close - and not only close, but the kind of mountains with snow caps that you think of as only existing in stories. well, unless you're from a place like santiago, chile :D i can see the andes out my window, snow caps and all (on clear days). and on the way to the office, i can see the mountains on the other side of the city, spread out and glorious in their snow-capped amazingness. i don't know how everyone else walks by on the street and pretends not to notice, but i know that i can't stop staring as soon as i walk out of the labryinth of the metro. call me crazy :)

it's something that has always resounded of something more for me though, being amazed at things that others take for granted. people did it in atlanta all the time. visitors come, you show them around to the places that you walk past every day but then you find something new, something unexpected, something amazing that was sitting under your nose for months or years and you had no idea. it's incredible. this morning (well, afternoon) a friend from the lc here, tomás, and i ran up the cerro san cristobal here in santiago - 6 km, all uphill, ending in an incredible view of the city and all of the snow-capped incredibleness surrounding it. at the top, there's also an area with small shops and food stands and at the very very top, a huge statue of our lady of santiago, or the virgin. tomás, who has lived in santiago for years, hadn't been there in awhile and was still amazed by the view and even a small church that we found up there too where they still have mass every sunday. everything was very peaceful, even with all of the families walking around. i unfortunately didn't have my camera, just the crappy one on my phone, but i'm definitely planning on going back soon to get some shots :) i'm also hoping that the next time we decide to engage in the masochism of running up this hill (more like small mountain), i can make it without having to stop and walk 3 times...we'll see.

so to sum it all up, cerro san cristobal is a must-see in santiago, always be open to discovering the unknown that's been right in front of you forever, and bring your camera to document...always :)

catching up

2009-06-23T00:00:00.001-04:00

it feels soooooo good to catch up sometimes :)

tonight i had the chance to talk to one of my best friends of all time for over an hour on skype - for free! i love technology :) a lot can happen in a month, as it turns out.

i also realized that though what i learned in brazil is still very true - a place is nothing without its people - the converse is also true: if you have the people, even if you're not in the same place, it won't matter. i've known this particular friend for over 10 years. we went to different colleges after high school, and though we didn't get to see each other all the time, it hasn't mattered at all in terms of our friendship. i have a few other friends like this too, and it always feels really really good to catch up :)

before i even had thought about coming to chile, the prospect of moving ANYWHERE and starting over scared me a lot. you just get so comfortable, you know? and then you start to take for granted the people that know you best, just because they always have. i love making new friends, but it takes a conversation like the one i had last night to make you realize how long it takes to build a friendship like that - i've already been so lucky as to make some cool friends here and that we all get along as well as we do, considering that we'll be living and working together for an entire year. but there are just some parts of yourself you don't let go that fast, i guess, whether you mean to or not - and there are also some parts of yourself that some people may never know because it was you when you were 10 or when you were 16. they can't help that, of course :) anyway, to sum it all up, it seems that i'm in a good place in terms of friends right now, no matter where we all are in the world or where we're all from in the world :)

the same is also true for relationships, it seems. still more in love than ever, even thousands of miles away :)

damn, i've been lucky. now if only i could find a good way to just bring all of us together...

adjusting

2009-06-13T11:05:00.002-04:00

adjusting to life here wasn't nearly as hard as it was in brazil. i guess because maybe i haven't felt singled-out or alone here (i do live with 6 people, after all, ha ha). by tuesday though, this number will decrease to 3, and i'm wondering if the reality will set in then. i don't have a family here as i did in brazil, despite its differences from my own in the u.s. and when i'm faced with only having a few people here, all of whom are from different countries, what will it be like then?

i had my first (and hopefully last) visit to the doctor yesterday. my insurance company found him for me and helped make the appointment (and then paid for it, yay!) which was good. my friend javi went with me to an address that we knew was in a nice neighborhood, but didn't know exactly where it was. after taking the metro and then the bus, we start walking toward the address and quickly realize that it wasn't for an office building but for an apartment! a guy in his 50's or so wearing a doctor coat opens the door and lets us in to a huge apartment, very nicely decorated, and with an office in the back. wow. the doctor was very nice - i think he was german. he spoke perfect english in a british accent and books about germany covered the back wall of his office. he asked me a lot of questions about my symptoms before he started to check anything out, then did some basic looking up my nose and in my ears stuff, ha ha :) i guess the weirdest part about the whole thing was that it wasn't a typical office. it wasn't sketchy, exactly, but i don't know - i was glad javi was there.

so now i have some (very expensive) meds to help me get better, which takes me out of commission to enjoy the colombian night and my own u.s. night festivities this weekend :( at least i can eat the peanut butter sandwiches and goldfish i brought from home, ha ha :) monday is the first official day of my term, finally arrived after being here for a month. has it been that long/short? in some ways it feels much longer and in others much shorter. i missing everyone at home a lot, especially since i've been sick :( i'm excited about work though, so we'll see. also crossing my fingers that juan gets the traineeship he interviewed for this week - i really really really hope so :D

in and out.

2009-06-07T10:40:00.002-04:00

last weekend i had the awesome experience of not only participating in but also facilitating in sdl pacifico, one of the 2 biannual regional conferences they have here. sdl is basically the spanish version of lds, and there were 3 main tracks - a regionally-run outgoing prep seminar, a leadership track, and an intro to leadership track done in the form of an aiesec simulation. i was working in this last track, introducing the newies to ogx, why it's important, how we can do it in the best way, etc. at the same time, i had a fictional lc all to myself to help coach through all of the other activities. they ended up doing really great, but this point was a little difficult since not everyone knew english and my spanish was unintelligble sometimes, i think, ha ha :) overall though, very challenging and fun experience :) probably one of the coolest things was that i got to meet a lot of people that i'll be working with over the next year. here, relationships are very important for the working environment too, so i feel like i got a good start, at least :)

sdl took place from friday to sunday at a cabaña an hour away from concepción. by the time we arrived back in concepción after the conference and then boarded a bus back to santiago, we arrived here at 6:30 am. wow. exhausted, we each took an extra 3 hr nap to make up for lost sleep and began our day at 2 pm with general transition. we ended up working pretty late the first night, until 9 pm or so and covered lots of material. and the following days of the week followed suit. days flew by filled with SWOT analysis, presentations, discussion, strategy, notes, diagrams, mate, chocolate cookies, mandarinas, goodbyes, hellos, and everything in between. my predecessor, vika, left wednesday night for buenos aires and leaves tonight for russia - marina, the previous vp tm left yesterday morning for buenos aires and leaves next weekend for russia. tomorrow, marek, the new vp tm from poland will arrive at 7 am and the next day juli from buenos aires, the new vp er. everything's been happening so fast with people coming and going and planning and transition happening all the while. i can't believe that by tuesday i would've already been here for 3 weeks, a time that passed slower somehow in brazil.

i think it's because there's a whole group of people here in my exact position - foreigners, working on the new mc, living together, getting to know the city, etc. maybe i don't feel so singled-out. maybe it's because i've done this before (to a certain extent). either way, i'm feeling comfortable and excited about the position - just really missing some pieces back in the u.s. that's something i don't think will ever pass, just something i can't let debilitate me. i'm thinking that i'll be so busy that there won't be time anyway, ha ha :)

so to you guys in the u.s., i miss you all like crazy - and to everyone here, thanks so much for everything, it's going to be an awesome year :)

prepared.

2009-05-29T16:20:00.002-04:00

i've spent that last couple of days preparing to facilitate my first cono sur conference. i'll be in the newie track teaching all the new aiesecers here about what ogx is, how we do it, and hopefully foster some discussion on how we can do it better. i'm really nervous, especially since i'm thinking i might have to try to do my sessions in spanish, but really excited too. doing the work for the conference has prepared me in ways that transition couldn't to do my job, and with each presentation completed i become more confident :)

i was lucky that the aiesecer i stayed with here in concepción liked to go out :) though not a big city, concepción has its own unique style of "nightlife," almost more like a college town. the city is charming, the people are nice, and though calm in the streets, i suspect that the aiesecers that all arrived here for the conference today are crazy, ha ha ;)

so in a couple of hours i'll be trying my best to remember people's names, learn some new dances, and explain myself effectively in some sort of language, whether it be english, spanish, or spanglish.

as i was told once when i sneezed here by a guy that speaks very good english but didn't know the difference between salud for sneezing and salud for drinks in english...cheers :)

familiar

2009-05-23T19:13:00.002-04:00

this all seems familiar, somehow. i have so much to learn, lots of people to meet, a huge and wonderful adventure ahead of me, fear, shyness, and just me to carry myself through. i haven't been expected to depend on anyone else here, and i like that. and i haven't felt like i needed to, really.

but i do have some holes in my heart from home. i guess that's to be expected.

though chileans are more like americans in some ways than i ever would've imagined. and i'm like them in some ways that makes this feel familiar.

the first person of my team (besides me and the mcp) arrives tomorrow - the apartment is slowly becoming home. i know where to do laundry, buy groceries, have a cell phone, and have been able to have fun in parties speaking only spanish :) i'm excited and scared to death, but i guess that's normal.

here's to the city graceful in its cleanliness and pensive in its personality. and here's to the year ahead.

estoy aquí

2009-05-19T14:31:00.002-04:00

it still hasn't sunk in that i'm really here and this is really happening.

i arrived this morning in santiago, chile with little drama (much less than getting to brazil). well, it would've been perfect except for the fact that i realized as i went through customs that i had left my winter coat on the plane. this was quickly remedied, however, and i was soon able to be on my way. javi, the current mc vp er, met me at the airport and guided me through the trek through bus and metro to the "flat," as they've been calling it (yay for british english, ha ha).

it turns out that though he's mexican, he lived in the u.s. for 3 years during college so he's been able to relate the differences that i might notice, which is interesting. turns out they love french fries with meat and onions here, mayonnaise is different and plentiful (though i still don't intend to eat it), and avacado is a staple. they don't eat beans at all though, it seems, which is really sad :( the metro was eerily quiet, a far cry from the echoing conversations of marta.

i'm already missing some people from home, but i think (and hope) i'll adapt quickly to this impeccably clean city, surrounded by mountains clouded in smog. i'll do my best at least :)

pictures will be coming soon. and as i sit here in the café (yay starbucks), trying to figure out what the rest of the day will bring, i know that my adventure has already begun.

tomorrow...

2009-05-17T23:17:00.002-04:00

...is the first day of the next phase of my life
...i get on a plane that leaves for santiago, chile
...has come quickly
...is exciting
...is terrifying
...i will still be me
...will be full of goodbyes
...awaits the hellos on the other side

...i will, once again, begin a new adventure
...a new dream will be born
...i will go forward not forgetting for a second what's behind

bring on tomorrow.

...the final countdown

2009-05-11T23:00:00.002-04:00

so i leave a week from today for my year-long adventure in chile. just wrote a 13-page analysis of current exchange trends and proposals for the next year today.

it all got me thinking more and more about it and how real and fast it's becoming.

i need to pack to unpack, practice my spanish a little, spend quality time with my friends, boyfriend, and family, take care of some logistical and errand-ish things, and just enjoy being here at home.

i'm not scared though, which is a different sensation than the 2 times i went abroad for much shorter periods of time than this before...that's one of the first things that everyone assumes, too. that i must be terrified of going alone to a country thousands of miles away.

maybe i will be as the day gets closer...but is it weird that i'm not?

mother's day

2009-05-10T09:47:00.002-04:00

i have the best parents in the world. seriously.

maybe i'm biased, but you know, it can't be a bad thing to love your parents and think they're awesome, right? and since today is mother's day, i want to talk about my mom :)

i've been a crazy (but good, of course) kid over the years. in middle school i came home upset that "boys didn't like me" - in high school i was the artsy, introspective, and slightly emo kid that came home upset when my first boyfriend broke my heart - in college, i went from the crew girl to the aiesec kid with everything in between and came home upset when i felt like i was going to fail out of georgia tech and had no idea what i wanted to do with my life. and all these times, and more (including all of the good times), my mom has been there for me. i don't think she's seen eye-to-eye with me always on my ways of dealing with or approaching things (like going to chile for a year, for example), but she's always understood on some deeper level and allowed me to do and be what i felt i needed at the time. she's taken care of me and her worries, i know, are there because she cares for me. she's fun, funny, smart, talented, and has taught me a lot about lots of things, even just by listening.

i am a better person because of her, and i love her very much.

thanks for everything, mom :) and happy mother's day!

the deed has been done...

2009-05-03T10:00:00.002-04:00

...i graduated! hard to believe, but the moment came in went in a frenzy of gold and white hoods, swinging tassels of the same color, and seas of black, flowing robes. after sitting amidst this sea for 1.5 hrs, the walk across the stage took only a few seconds, the only thoughts occupying my mind being "yes!" and "don't trip!"

yesterday, thought not the day of my graduation, held family, food, memories, and gifts, as well as the graduation of many good friends :) everything went by so fast to the point that by the end of the day, i could barely keep my eyes open or my head clear.

and now, it's already sunday. packing my life (once again) looms on the horizon and emails have already arrived provoking thought for strategies and ideas for the next year.

it's been an amazing weekend, but very fast. and i don't feel like this will be the only one. only 2.5 weeks until chile, and in that time, there's so much to be done, so many people to see.

overwhelming but exciting. let's get started!

inspiration and the thrill of the chase.

2009-04-27T10:43:00.003-04:00

i've realized lately (or admitted to myself) the importance of the "thrill of the chase" to my working style, my ambition, my interests, and my inspiration. i don't think it applies to my personal relationships, but in terms of these other factors, it holds a little more relevance than i'd like.

part of the reason i entered engineering (i orginally came in to tech as a management major) was because of the challenge. everyone talked about how hard it was (but rewarding, of course) and without meaning to, i found myself wanting to try it out and see what i could do. maybe i wanted to prove to myself that i could do it. maybe i'm just an overachiever (though these high school tendencies have since worn off a little). i don't know.

i do know that i ended up in a really good position throughout it all in choosing environmental engineering, but i cringe to remember one of the main reasons that i went though it in the first place. it makes me question my decisions then and my decisions now and their motivations. it's dangerous to do something to prove that you can instead of doing it because you want to and it inspires you. i've been lucky once in that i ended up being passionate about my field but hopefully now can more aware so that i don't need luck to eventually end up where i want to be.

wherever that may be.

ticket to ride.

2009-04-20T17:12:00.007-04:00

I have a flight.

I have my gown and hood for graduation.

May 18, I leave for Santiago. It's all still so unreal.

I had my last GPM at AIESEC GT tonight. I'm the "Most Ambitious," :)

Homeworking. Studying. Savoring. Expressing. Trying.

it finally feels like spring.

2009-04-16T08:44:00.003-04:00

everything is finally starting to come together now, but maybe even a little too fast.

everything in school is piling up before GRADUATION in 2 weeks!!! i find myself trying to finish everything (to make sure that i can graduate, ha ha) but at the same time with no inspiration to do any of it. i think it's just major senioritis and am hoping that this isn't an indication of how i feel about the profession of environmental engineering in general, but we'll see. i already know that i don't want to take the traditional engineering pathway of sitting at my desk and running computer programs. guess i won't be doing that for the next year, at least :)

at the same time, i'm trying to take advantage of everything and everyone i have here since a part of me knows that i may not see them for a long while, or in some cases a really really long while. that's the thing about graduation - everyone goes their separate ways afterwards, and especially after being out of touch for a year, it could be way too easy to slip out of it.

there just aren't enough hours in the day, but everything will get done, eventually. i just found out that i won't need to get my permanent chilean visa here, which is one less thing to worry about :)

almost to the finish line - just need to push on through.

minha cidade nova :D

2009-04-07T18:58:00.002-04:00

preston joked with me last night that i should write about my upcoming mc developments in portuguese, ha ha ha ha :) bem, podería fazer isso, mas eu quero que todo mundo entenda o que estou dizendo...só hoje, pelo menos :D

tenho mais coisas dizer, mas agora mesmo, só quero dizer isto...

vou morar (por o ano que vem) en santiago, chile!!!

vou viajar muito também, eu acho (espero), e não posso acreditar-lo! que emocionado!

well, preston, there's your portuguese ;) but i think the most important part of this, everyone gets...

santiago, get ready :D

full circle.

2009-04-05T17:52:00.005-04:00

i was thinking the other day, as i jogged around the peaceful lake behind my apartment, that despite all that has happened in the past year (ie graduation, my traineeship in brazil, making new friends, getting involved in new activities, learning new things, being a grad student, etc.), i've come full circle. granted, i'm not the same person completely that i was a year ago, but i'm sure that if you looked at blog posts from when i started this thing in april 2008, you'd see similar events going on as now. for instance, i graduated last may with a bachelor's degree in civil engineering; i will graduate this may with a master's degree in environmental engineering. i had just found out that i was going to spend 3 months of my life living and working in brazil and was suuuper excited; i just found out i'm going to spend 1 year of my life living in working somewhere in southern cone (argentina, uruguay, chile) and am really really really super excited :) there are other things, of course, but these are the main ones.

and i can't help but think that though i came full circle in some ways, how have things changed this time around? well, for one, there's not much fear. this time last year, though i was soooo excited about going to brazil and already knew i'd be starting graduate school when i returned in the fall, i was still afraid a little: afraid of being alone, afraid of not knowing anyone or the language or the customs or the people, afraid of just being in a new place like that. i realize that 3 months and 1 year aren't the same, but this is something that i've always wanted, and this time around, i don't feel afraid, though from the reactions of some people when i tell them i'm going, maybe i should, ha ha :) brazil changed me. my experience there changed me, and the people i met. a year later, i still talk to most of them and it feels so normal. i still don't have a clear idea of what i want to do with my life overall, but i feel like my experience in brazil pushed me in the right direction, and here i am :)

in a way, this should be scarier since when i come back, there won't be a university waiting for me as it has for the past 5 years. there will, however, be a family, a great group of friends, and an amazing boyfriend (who might actually get to have an amazing international experience of his own :D) - and maybe this is what keeps me from being scared. comfort isn't so much about a place - you can always adapt; it's people. georgia tech has been good to me, but i feel like it's time for me to move on, finally :) i think it's good that i stayed for an extra year to do the master's thing and finally feel ready. well, now i do, and i think i'll be much better off for it.

i'm nervous, but not afraid of what lies ahead. and that, i think, is growing up :)

um. wow. :)

2009-03-31T09:45:00.002-04:00

so after it was all said and done, i ended up being selected as mc vp ogx for aiesec cono sur! i still can't believe it :) i still have some logistical issues to work out to make sure i can go, but the selection part is over and the results are in :D

para que sepan...

not afraid.

2009-03-27T07:08:00.002-04:00

suddenly yesterday, the future being so unknown didn't seem so scary. i had my final mc southern cone interview, which was basically more of a logistical interview discussing my thoughts on when i could arrive, how i could help with transitioning beforehand, etc. i guess there's no right or wrong answer for that type of thing, you just have to be honest and hope that it's what he's looking for. we'll see.

i guess all i can know is that i did my absolute best and that if it's what fits, then it was meant to be. nothing more i can do now.

*fingers crossed* :)

rounding the bend

2009-03-24T21:12:00.002-04:00

the future got a little bit clearer today. well, maybe not completely, but 3 things happened today that offer 3 different (or more) paths for my future. the options are now coming into focus. and here they are, in the order they happened...

1. i showed up at work/research today for the first time since spring break. there was no one there except for my boss (we're the only crazy ones that go in at 8am), and it was very peaceful and easy to work after not having done it for awhile :) i got to play with the microscope all by myself (like a big girl, ha ha) and did some odds and ends things to finish off the morning. my boss asks me what my plans are for after i graduate. i tell him i honestly don't know. he then asks if i'd like to keep my internship during the summer. it depends on my job prospects and living situation, i suppose, but definitely wouldn't mind if a full-time option doesn't come up. :)

2. i had promised my mom i'd be more proactive about actually looking for a job, so i went to a gt alumni career fair today. it was a really different feeling being at a career fair with people that have years of experience, who i guess become your peers after you graduate. there weren't many opportunities for environmental engineers, but 2 that stood out as definite possibilities. would i like to learn about nuclear energy and how to control its waste, make it cleaner, and integrate it more into how we do things? sure, why not? would i like to be one of the people that defines a "sustainable facilities engineer" for a company that still has no idea what exactly it's looking for? maybe... and it definitely felt nice to have someone read over my resume after telling me that there probably wasn't a position for me at the company and then say, "wow, this is definitely worth showing my boss. please please please call him, he likes people that take initiative." i wanted really badly to ask what about the resume was so impressive so that i'd know to play it up later, but oh well, i can settle for a compliment :) it's the first i've ever gotten from a career fair, actually.

3. after almost 3 weeks of follow-up interviews, chats, and forum questions for the mc southern cone application process, the recipients of the confidence vote were announced today...and i was one of them! i couldn't believe it, definitely wasn't expecting it :) so this basically means that the position is between me and one other girl. we'll be interviewed again (maybe) by the mcp and the new mc will be announced on saturday. after 3 years in aiesec, i never saw myself going this direction, but i decided it was such a great adventure i couldn't not apply :) why not, right? i guess that's been the motto for everything lately. makes sense. i will finally be finished with school after 18 yrs, and though these have been amazing and everyone says they're the best of your life, i can't help but be excited about the potential in the world beyond...including argentina/chile :)

so the future is still as unclear as ever, i guess, but things are starting to materialize. freaky, but good :) and all of this 2 weeks after my awesome trip to the keys, some pictures from which are below.

let's see where this goes...

looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

2009-03-13T15:00:00.003-04:00

-had the cono sur mc interview this morning...an hour of gloriousness :) if nothing else, a great experience in terms of interviewing.

-leaving in two days for the florida keys! never been that far south in florida before, and will hopefully have a chance to stop by miami too :D should be an adventure.

-questioning my effectiveness as a motivator, though some things have, granted, been beyond my control. and it doesn't help that we're all leaving for our various spring break destinations soon.

-worrying about what happens after graduation. i don't want to be idle. but i don't want to be stuck in a job i hate just because it was the only thing available. but then again, beggars can't be choosers i suppose? still receiving emails about "closed" and "canceled" jobs. how encouraging.

the beach for a week will be nice. brother's bday party tonight (21st, ha ha).

just need to remember to smile :)

mc de novo

2009-03-11T17:34:00.002-04:00

bem, parece que no final, vou aplicar pra mc portugal.

esquecí que quase todos dos mc's têm uma segunda oportunidade pra aceitar candidatos. bem, estou aquí.

já completei o primeiro parte da aplicação. por que não devo usar-la?

que bom que posso usar só inglês pra responder às perguntas - não tenho mantedo meu português tanto quanto possivel...

here's to second chances.

mardi gras, maladies, and mc's

2009-03-05T09:06:00.002-05:00

i know i'm a couple of weeks late, i know...

but last week, "fat tuesday," mardi gras, carnaval, or whatever you want to call it came in with bang in countries around the world. as i lived in a city with one of the largest carnavals in brazil, salvador, i got to hear a lot about the preparations and everything from my friends still there :) friends around the world revered the celebrations in their respective countries and posted pictures, so i figured i'd do the same :) in the u.s., unlike in some countries, we don't get national holidays or anything for this holiday (the whole separation of church and state thing i guess...), but for those willing to turn their weekend into one of partying madness, flying beads, and crazy costumes, the celebration can be found (massive street party style) in none other than new orleans, louisiana.

it's something i'd always wanted to experience at least once in my life, and this year, even with a test the day after my return, i made it out there with a group of 9 amazing people. finally! so this is how we do carnaval in the u.s....

on another note, i've been consistently sick since the day before this all took place (2 weeks ago), but i'm hoping i'll be better soon :)

...and i'm turning in my mc southern cone application today. we'll see where this goes...

what happens next?

2009-03-01T20:43:00.003-05:00

so now it seems that my decision blogged about previously to apply for the portuguese mc didn't go as planned. due to some honest mistakes and the deadline issues that arose from them, i didn't end up applying. i was bummed, definitely. i've never actually been to portugal and thought it'd be an awesome experience, especially since i'm really interested in the culture, the language, the people, and how aiesec works there. after missing the deadline, though, i realized that maybe when i had made that decision to apply to mc portugal, maybe i had really just made the decision to apply for an mc. it was a hard one to make, for sure, regardless of the country. and i would've loved to have had the opportunity to go to portugal and have a positive impact on aiesec there. but then again, i'm one of those people that believes that things happen for a reason...always.

it just so happened that a few days before that i had received an email regarding the remaining open positions for mc's around the world as discussed at ipm (thanks arcaidy!). well, after taking another look at that...how about southern cone (still soco :D)? learning spanish has been one of my goals for awhile now, and i've used everything from podcasts to joining organizations at school to trying to tell stories to my boyfriend in spanish, ha ha ha :) i'm better than i was a year ago, but i'm not anywhere close to where i want to be. what better way to learn than from being immersed? i think i learned that in brazil...

going to argentina has always been one of my dreams, and recently i've made friends from there (here in atlanta) and have been talking to people that have been. i've always been intrigued by the country and have learned that i have family there too...go figure :) i also know some people that studied in chile last semester and someone that worked with the southern cone mc last summer as a ceed i think - all were involved with the region and loved it. how awesome is that?

so in the end, it looks like my application efforts will be going toward southern cone. maybe things didn't work out as originally planned, and granted, there are no guarantees in even getting preliminarily chosen. but really, to feel extra confident about your choice in the first place can never be a bad thing :)

we'll see how it works out, but here's to a step in a new and and exciting direction :)

you win some, you lose some...and i always ask for advice

2009-02-27T16:59:00.002-05:00

i like to ask for advice. i don't know why.

it makes me feel more confident in my decision to see it from another point of view, even if it's one that doesn't agree with my original. and if i can't defend my original point of view, then maybe i should consider changing it. i guess that's how i always thought of it. sometimes i wish i could just make a decision and move on with it, but alas, i've never been decisive when it comes to me...

maybe i just don't trust my perspective for myself but i do for other people? sometimes i honestly don't have an opinion, but if i ever tell you i don't, then i probably do, it's just not strong and i don't want to complicate the situation. pretty pansy, i know.

so basically, thank you to everyone who's listened to me rant/complain/whine/endlessly question and has in turn been patient and given me advice :) part of me is just curious to see what you think. part of me is trying to gain perspective. and part of me is trying to make sure i don't offend anyone.

...and i almost just wrote, "is that weird?"

how typical.

em see

2009-02-19T16:42:00.003-05:00

i've officially decided.

i'm going to apply to the 2009-2010 portuguese mc. i'm not counting on making it, necessarily, but i guess i just figured, "why not?" i love the language, i'm intruigued by the country, culture, and people, my traineeship inspired me to share my xp with others, and besides, i'm due for another international adventure, ha ha :) i'd never envisioned myself doing this in aiesec, but what an amazing opportunity...i think i'd regret not taking it.

wish me luck :)

valentine's day

2009-02-15T22:06:00.002-05:00

it's rare that you find a holiday that people hate. though they generally vary from country to country, i'm just going to use the u.s. as an example here...who can honestly say they hate the 4th of july? or halloween? thanksgiving? st. patty's? or religious holidays where everyone gets together like christmas or hannukah? yeah... somehow though, always around feb. 14, a bunch of hate starts going around about valentine's day.

people will say that it's commercialized and made up by hallmark and godiva so that people will buy cards and flowers for their loved ones and blah blah blah. and maybe my view is a little different since i'm currently in a relationship, but honestly, i've spent many a year without a boyfriend on valentine's and i still could never bring myself to hate it. why? well, it's supposed to be a holiday celebrating love, but i've never considered it specified that it has to be love like romantic love.

i love my parents, i love my siblings, my friends, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, my cats, etc. why can't valentine's be an excuse to show the love i have for them too? i do realize that maybe the stores and media have made it seem like you need a boyfriend/girlfriend on valentine's to really celebrate the holiday, and admittedly, i spent mine with my boyfriend. in all the years that i didn't have one, though, i spent it with my friends and family, just differently, and that was cool too :)

and by the way, for people that feel like this phenomenon is limited to the u.s. because we like to commercialize things or whatever, it's most definitely not. i was in brazil during "dia dos namorados" which happens to fall in july, and i hung out with some friends and my host family that night. and it was still awesome :)

in a world where lots of hate goes around (unfortunately), i just think it's kind of weird that people hate a holiday that's trying to celebrate love. :(

tô perdendo o brasil...

2009-02-10T19:26:00.002-05:00

some revelations and thoughts of the past few days/weeks/i don't know. i'm not sure why this is structured this way, but it's kind of the way i thought of it in my head.

-tô perdendo o brasil...a língua, a cultura, a gente. não tô perdendo amigos o família, eu sei, mas tenho perdedo contato um pouco, eu acho. estou desligado aquí, é quase impossivel evitar, ser bem longe assim, mas não quero esquecer. e agora, eu sinto como tô :(

-on the way home in the car, all i could think about was how every time i accelerated, how much NOx, CO, and hydrocarbons i was emitting into the atmosphere because my catalytic converter wasn't operating at its optimum point. nerdy, i know :)

-i was listening to this song today..."increíble" by cabas (un colombiano). it relates to a lot of things in my life in some way, i think. "no quiero perderme nada, ningún segundo entre tú y yo; quiero saboarme cada gota de tu amor; etc etc etc" - i want to get out of here for a little while. atlanta, i mean. but there are some things here that i don't think i'm ready to leave again. as if 3 months wasn't enough...there are things i think i can only accomplish by being gone for a longer time, a year maybe. but can i leave those things here for a whole year? i'm struggling with it right now. i know that everyone just says to go out and do it, and i have before and i want to again. but last time i did, it made me realize some things about certain things around here, and now i have more to weigh. i don't want to be selfish, but i kinda do. i think everyone does, a little. but do i let that govern me? so now i feel like, either way, i need to be mindful of every moment, because that one will never come again, and what if another like it never does either?

-i've started trying to tell stories about my day in spanish to my boyfriend...it's helping :)

-i'm happy right now. but incredibly stressed. but i'm still going to mardi gras over the weekend in between my 2 hell weeks. i'm also going to take a weekend to visit my friend that just moved to virginia. i also plan to do a tour de california after i graduate. and if juan ends up in brasil, i want to go there too, though i guess it all depends on funds.

-i apparently have no sense about how to write a cover letter, structure my resume, or engage in correspondence regarding myself for employment. frustrating as hell.

-i thought about applying for the portuguese mc. then i realized how much i don't know about portugal. or aiesec in portugual. and how slim my chances are. maybe i'll do it anyway, i don't know. thoughts?

bem, comida. agora. quase. às 9:00, em realidade. aaah, falei com minha mãe brasileira na sexta passada. foi ótimo :) eu preciso practicar falar português mais, parece...não podía entender tudo...bem, entendí quase nada. ela falou muito rápido. *sigh* isso vai pra onde?

w.o.r.d.s.

2009-02-01T22:42:00.004-05:00

i didn't watch the superbowl for the first time since i've been in college, i think. i told myself i would be productive instead and finish up some homework i have due this week...well, that didn't work out so well. here i am, hours later, knowing more or less what i need to do but just not having the focus to actually sit down and do it. maybe it's my senioritis (round 2 no less). maybe i'm just in a place beyond my school work right now and my brain isn't having it. maybe i just need to chill out.

i couldn't help thinking, earlier, while on a relaxing jog in the beautiful 60 degree weather, how silly this all is. we all like to be heard. it's why we write in blogs, diaries, find ourselves in deep discussions with friends, bond over cups of steaming coffee or hot chocolate. some of us more than others, granted. i'll be honest, i'm a pretty shy person most of the time and would rather not make myself the center of any kind of attention, yet here i write :) the power of communication is, well, powerful and incredbile...it's self-satisfying too. but while i think so much and have so many "revelations" here in this blog or in engaging conversations, why is it that when i act and live, these thoughts are as if they never were?

those thoughts that we go through so much trouble to communicate, what are they really doing? maybe they're inspiring, which is important. maybe they help us with tough decisions. maybe they help us overcome heartbreak or encourage us when we feel like all has failed. maybe they make us see a side of ourselves we never chose to see or never could see before. but once we start living the lives that create these experiences...are these the thoughts that run through your head before you cast an inquisitive glance? are these the thoughts that dictate the comments that slip out? are these the forces that govern how you really live?

it feels like they should be, for all the trouble we go through to learn and understand and share. but i think when it just comes down to it, its your personality and your instinct that take over "ao vivo" and not those million revelations and thoughts that consume you in solitude. i'd like to think it all matters more, though.

what do words do you for you? even if they're only in your head?

mover, mudar...qual devo usar?

2009-01-29T16:40:00.002-05:00

português tem duas palavras que significam (bem, em maneras diferentes) em inglês "to move." uma delas, mover, provavelmente significa "to move" mais literalmente que a outra enquanto mudar significa mais "to change."

ainda tem a idéia.

uma de meus amigos melhores acaba de mover pra virginia. ainda não posso acreditar-lo. ela vai fazer uma vida nova lá com trabalho novo, amigos novos, um lugar novo, etc. e quando ela moveu, fez mais que mover...ela començou uma mudança em a vida dela também.

então, talvez estas palavras são mais iguais que diferentes. não sempre se precisa mover pra mudar, mas sempre quando muda, alguma coisa move também. e isso pode ser só sua percepção, pelo menos.

something to think about... :)

appreciation from the outside

2009-01-22T09:48:00.002-05:00

i don't have a lot of time to really sit down and write out everything about this topic right now, but i wanted to put it out there and see what you guys think...

talking to some friends the other day, a comment came up in response to my nomading to the effect of (and jokingly, but it makes you think), "so your own country isn't good enough for you?" i then replied with the fact that you appreciate it a lot more when you're not in it. i got some looks, ha ha :)

i've never hated my country or been unhappy here because i was here exactly. but i guess until i left did i never really realize what exactly about the u.s. makes it the u.s. and what's great about some of those things. there are other places in the world that i can see myself living for awhile one day, all for different reasons. there are some things, though, that are pretty awesome about here too :)

no country is perfect, of course, and the u.s. has its faults as does every other. and of course, there is more than one right way to do things, we are not the best (as people around the world sometimes think we think of ourselves). especially in light of the events of this week though, i am very proud to be american, and i think that no matter how much i feel the need to leave sometimes, it's not because i don't like my country or because it isn't good enough for me :)

a change of scenery isn't necessarily a bad thing, right? :D

pieces

2009-01-15T17:47:00.002-05:00

i feel my pieces coming together :)

ok, that sounds weird. but really, even though i'm one person, there's lots of different things that make me tick and experiences that have made me who i am. i think today is a good example. today hasn't really been a really different or exciting day in comparison to any other, i guess. but it's complete. and it's comfortable. and i've felt amazing :)

i have minestrone in the crock pot. my second favorite soup only to my grandma's italian wedding soup with mini meatballs and escarole that we always eat on christmas :) as a more everyday kind of soup though, the one i grew up with in the winters when i was little, that's minestrone.

incense, acoustic music with soulful lyrics, candles, and relics of my travels, my friends' travels, and my family's travels surround me. it's cool to think that you can have a little piece of the world beyond you with you all the time :) they're simple things, really...a piggy bank from chicago, wooden figures of a sea turtle from costa rica and the cristo from rio de janeiro, a small bottle of cachaça from salvador, a tree stump candle from alaska, a woven bracelet from ecuador, native american sculptures from new mexico and incense from the grand canyon...random. they make me comfortable though, somehow. my environmental textbooks and language dictionaries are strewn across the room (of course, could i ever have a completely clean room?). and it's reaaaallllly cold outside. reminds me of ny. my other second home besides brazil :)

i know i should be working and learning about the wonders of microbial process modeling.

mas que lindo, que incrivel parar e apreciar sua vida por o momento só :)

the moment

2009-01-11T01:59:00.002-05:00

sometimes we get lost in living.

being in the moment, experiencing it for what it is in taste, smell, color, shape, texture is valuable. this is what makes the memory, not the actual event. why is it that a smell can bring you back to a split second in time as if you were there? why is it that a song that brings you through a difficult time can still make you cry years later? what does your body know that your mind cannot in that moment, and why is it so much stronger?

why don't the cycles match up?

why does an observer see everything and understand so much more clearly than the person experiencing that moment first hand? and why can't we have both, even when we think we do?

omnipotency is frightening, and a part of that is omniscience. it's too much for one person, for any person, and even with the help of others we still don't believe entirely what we didn't experience for ourselves. it's more fun that way, granted, but i think there's something to be said for stepping back from the moment, just for a little while.

i think somewhere within yourself you always knew, or know, what's right and wrong for you. you can feel it when you walk into a room, you can sense it in the body language of others. it's believing it that's the trick.and somewhere along the way, knowing lots of things become less about knowing them and more about prioritizing them. and that's the real decision.

you always know, somehow. it's accepting it and finding the strength to initiate it, that defining action that probably involves some sort of self-sacrifice.

my decisions are rapidly approaching. deciding on that self-sacrifice right now and how much sacrifice it might involve for others.

i almost don't even feel like myself.

on that note...

2008-12-22T22:17:00.003-05:00

so my last post could be considered, i guess, a loose list of resolutions for the coming year, though i don't really see any reason to hold off on them until then. i've already broken some of them, due in part to being busy, in part to my new addiction to the twilight books (yes, i know, ha ha), in part to being lazy, and in part to what i'd like to think of as enjoying my break :) we can't be really serious all the time, right? ha ha ha ha :) one of these things, though, the finding inspiration in nature, words, people, etc (is how i believe i worded it?), has definitely stuck out of this list.

living in atlanta has been great to me with the exception of one thing: being able to see the stars. i used to miss them a lot when i first moved, especially since i'd been known in high school to lay in my car with the sunroof open or even in my front yard at night or the front yards of friends to look at them. they were one of my biggest natural inspirations and still amaze me to this day. every place i've traveled, i've tried to make it a point to notice them (if possible). in some places, of course, they're brighter than others - i guess just like how they're brighter in fayetteville than atlanta.

the stars hold romance for me. power. beauty. inspiration. and spirituality. yup, spirituality.

i was raised catholic in an italian family who valued religion immensely. i still go to church with my parents when i'm home, though i haven't made as much of an effort when i'm on my own in atlanta. i don't mind church, and though i don't necessarily agree with everything that the catholic church teaches, i'd like to consider myself a good person, and if nothing else, a spiritual person. when i do go to church, i'll admit, i do have a hard time paying attention. my mind invariably drifts, but i've found that the subjects it drifts to are somehow related to what's going on in the mass. i think of church as more of an inspiration to do good in my own life than as a classroom in which to learn right and wrong. maybe i always have, but it's just now becoming more clear. but i don't only find this inspiration in church itself...i find it in nature.

for some reason, when i look at the stars, i pray in my head or in semi-silent whispers to myself. maybe that's weird, i don't know, but i'm not ashamed of it. there's actually one specific spot on the walk to my front door in fayetteville where a part of the house that juts out blocks the streetlights and lights in the driveway and is right before the motion light above the front door is triggered by my presence. from there, the stars are perfect - clear, sharp, powerful. and almost every time i've found myself alone in this spot for the past 6 years or so, i've stood there, looking at the stars, and prayed.

i've prayed for love, safety, and health for my family and friends. my blessings in education. my blessings in the people around me that love me and that i love in return. my blessings in being able to experience the world as i have so far, the few corners that i've been able to visit. i've prayed for lots of things over the years, and tonight, without intending to necessarily, i did it again. why, i don't know. i guess it's the stars :)

so maybe that particular resolution wasn't one that i really needed to make, as a challenge anyway. apparently, i've already made a start and have had one for 6 years at least, ha ha :) maybe, though, i just needed to be reminded.

sometimes huge changes aren't necessary to get to where you want to go...sometimes, you just need to reflect a little, and look at things in a different way. there's something to be said for the power of perspective :)

a partir de hoje...

2008-12-19T00:19:00.002-05:00

a partir de hoje...
- vou ler pelo menos um artigo em portugues por dia
- vou estirar
- vou respirar e nao ficar preocupada em coisas insignificantes
- vou tentar encontrar inspiracao em tudo (pessoas, natureza, palavras, etc)
- vou desfrutar todo momento
- vou ficar com meus sonhos e "vivir o sonho"
- vou cozinhar mais
- vou sorrir tanto quanto possivel

:)

remember that time...?

2008-12-18T00:20:00.003-05:00

tonight i got to hang out with 2 of my best friends in the entire world. i met both of them in 6th grade, and we've been close ever since. even through changes in "the group" over the years, going to different colleges, cycling through boyfriends, from elation in finally finding a job to depression in the deepest heartbreak, we've always been there for each other, even if we couldn't exactly be with each other. i've grown up with these girls, and because of that, they probably know me pretty much better than anyone.

i laughed so hard tonight, even though i hadn't spent time with these two at the same time in months. we took pictures, re-lived old stories, and we still give inside jokes as presents :) the whole thing was a little bittersweet though. one of them moves in a month to virginia, and with the graduations of the others of us in may, who knows where we'll all end up. it's hard to think that these people that you've known for so long, those that have seen you through your ups and downs, those who grew up with you and understand your background, may not be within easy reach forever.

of course everyone thinks about these things when a new phase in life comes along, whether it be the end of high school, the end of a traineeship, the end of college, whatev. i can't count the number of times i've probably written about "saying goodbye" in this blog alone, much less all of the posts i've read by others going through the same thing all over the world. everyone has a different perspective on it...how it feels, how you deal with it, etc. well, i was thinking about it all again tonight, especially since of of the gifts happened to be a scrapbook containing pictures of the three of us from 1998 up til literally last weekend. it struck me, though, that something about this type of a "last," as i discussed in an august post, is decidedly different from those that i wrote about before.

it's all part of the journey, of the larger dream that we tend not to talk so much about in the context of "the dream" in aiesec. living the dream, so to speak, i always interpreted as going out into the world (all over the world), living as a nomad, meeting people, and making your mark in the way you wanted to. as i found out in brazil, this dream isn't perfect, and it's not supposed to be. but beyond this, i feel like there's a larger part to "the dream" that no one seems to talk about. i mean, it takes something to get to that starting point, right? you go through how many years of your life before you realize #1 what you want to do, #2 where you want to go, #3 who you want to be with, and all the experiences and people the came before influence this. these girls, though i didn't meet them in a far-away country on a deeply challenging and incredible exchange experience, have, over the span of almost 11 years, impacted me in ways that can't be rivaled today just for the sheer fact that they were here as i grew in body, mind, matruity, and spirit.

this isn't to say that i've stopped growing or never will again. the last 2 years have taught me that and my experiences abroad are some of the best i've had. it just isn't the same, though, as late nights spent doing "makeovers," sharing stories about first kisses and everything involved with first loves, making movies with spur-of-the-moment characters and plots, just being young. these experiences, no matter how stupid or silly they may seem today, are part of what has made me who i am today, and the people i shared them with are even moreso. my journey, my dream began long before i knew what aiesec was, long before i cared about current events, long before i realized (kind of) what i wanted to be when i grew up and what it took to get there. there's more to it than the "lasts" today and the new things that happen tomorrow.

these things have become so engrained in me and these people have made such a mark on me, that they can never be a part of a "last," not if it means that i continue living the dream every day. living life the way you want to, i've decided then, is the ultimate dream, and this includes the time when you wanted to be a mermaid when you were 5. and it includes now, when in my case, i want to be a professional hippie (aka environmental engineer ;D). there's something about my physcially growing up that made this dream mine, and so really, these things that underlie it will never be a last for me since they're there every day.

so appreciate your "dream" for all that it is. it's not just today and tomorrow. it's a whole lot of yesterday too, and to fully understand our dreams today, i think we need to appreciate this. hindsight, after all, they say is 20/20. i'd also have to say it makes for a good laugh once in awhile :)

on pictures, words, and expression

2008-12-12T09:26:00.002-05:00

so as of yesterday at 4:30 pm, i am officially finished with finals for the semester! the point where i am now is always one of my favorite during the holiday season, knowing that i can finally get to my christmas shopping, reading (for myself), and hanging out with friends without having that foreboding feeling of failure hanging over my head, ha ha ha :)

it makes me realize all the other things i could be doing besides locking myself in my room for hours at a time to study...yeah, that's how it's been the past 2 weeks. as preston discussed in his last post, after awhile, you just can't help but think of what lies beyond the classroom part of your education...and there's so much :)

you learn about something new every time you walk out the door, and that's a pretty incredible thing. i mean, it sure beats sitting and studying for hours and hours :) equate that to leaving a country, and whoa. i can't wait to "walk out" again and see what the world has to offer...there's still so much i haven't seen.

i've also decided that i need to put more pictures on this blog to reflect all those things that i am learning every time i leave, not just the country, but just my routine :) you'd be surprised how much you can gain from even just doing that, and i think i need to start on this soon. alas, i don't have any pictures today, ha ha, but i've always felt that pictures (together with words), could create the strongest impact on a person's consciousness.

then again, i'm a visual learner.

there's always more to learn - sempre tem mais para aprender

2008-12-09T22:21:00.004-05:00

quando não quero estudar, sempre meu pensamento primeiro troca ao escrito. não sei por que. tô pensando muito em minha direcção na vida e todo dia, ficar escrevendo para sobrevivir parece mais e mais como uma ideia boa. no outro lado, eu não acho que eu posso trabalhar tanto por uma formação engenharia e então não se usa. adoro línguas, viajando, e o ambiente também, mas ainda não tenho encontrado um profissão com todos...talvez preciso pesquisar mais? alguém tem algum conselho?

especialmente no meio dos examenes, eu me pergunto coisas assim...talvez só porque tô stressada agora, mas não posso ter certeza. e não se ajuda que as aulas de pos-graduação são muuiiiiito dificil!

quando cheguei em tech, eu sentí que não pertencí aí. depois de alguns anos, este sentimento desapareceu. mas agora, ainda que eu já passava mais de 4 anos aquí, eu tenho este sentimento novamente...incrivel.

sempre tem mais pra aprender.

"there's always something there to remind me"

2008-12-06T15:17:00.002-05:00

if you'd been reading my blog around the end of may, you'd probably notice a feeling in my writing that is now decidedly absent from it nowadays...loneliness. it's not like i didn't have amazing friends and an awesome brazilian family in salvador, because i did. it's not like i was the only foreign person i knew for miles around, because i wasn't. and it's not like i was completely lost with the language and no one knew how to speak english, because that wasn't the case at all. it was just being new to everything, homesick for my friends and family here who have known me for my whole life pretty much, not understanding the culture completely, and just not feeling quite comfortable yet.

not an unreal expectation, i don't think. at first i was mad at myself for being homesick. i had thought myself to be more open-minded than that, and i was insulted (by myself, ha ha) that i couldn't handle everything perfectly and adapt instantly. well, now that i think about it...duh...how could i have done that??? that's the whole part of the exchange process. you learn a little about yourself (ok, a lot about yourself), a lot about where you are, a lot about the people there, and in the process, it becomes your home, well, if you let it :) i would now consider salvador to be my second home, and i can't wait to go back :D

as i was talking with my boyfriend last night, however, someone who supported me throughout my entire experience in Brazil, the times when i was upset, the times when i was excited, etc. i realized that i had actually learned something else very powerful during my time in brazil...not specific to brazil, really, but specific to any place, anywhere in the world. it depends where you call home, i guess. he's been away for about a week, and after wandering around by himself for awhile, said, "i know now how you felt when you were lonely in bahia." he'll be back within the week (yay!), but it doesn't take long...

when you step out of your comfort zone like that, leaving everything you know to throw yourself into a place where you don't know anything about the people, the culture, well, just life there, it can be lonely. and really, it doesn't stop being that way until you let the people there into your life, let them take root like the people you left behind did 10 yrs ago or whatever. it's not the place that makes it home, it's the people. that's who you take with you in your memories when you leave home, that's what makes you remember things you did, not just being there, but being with them. one of my most memorable nights in salvador, for instance, involves me, lina (colombian), mell (brazilian), and david (canadian) playing rock band until the early hours of the morning. we played for hours, switching instruments, laughing, singing, dancing, taking pictures, etc. i remember getting açai after work at the place down the street from my house with the girls and at one point, meeting all of the new trainees for the first time there :) i remember hopping on a bus in the pouring rain to see a friend (camila) sing in the concert hall downtown with lina and having to sit in the rain and wait for her to come out because we were too late. i remember riding in a packed, tiny ford to a wedding with my brazilian sister where i couldn't understand what was going on, but got the feeling of the whole experience.

these are the things that define brazil for me, my brazil. i remember the touristy things and the beautiful beaches and landscapes that i saw there, and will always remember them. i have pictures for that anyway, ha ha :) but those are not the things that make a place home, and when someone asks me how brazil was, that's not what i talk about. it's the people that made it real and the people that i will always remember. salvador will always be home because of those who i left behind that still stay in my memories, and so i'll never be lonely there again :)

but it takes awhile to get to that point sometimes, and unless you bring those people (physically) with you to a new place, no matter how beautiful it is, don't feel bad if you do feel lonely...it's normal, and it just means that it will take a little while longer to make it feel like home :) and when you get to that point, consider yourself lucky, blessed, whatev...because if we all really want to truly be "citizens of the world," we need to know the world, and carry a piece of it around with us in our memories, and miss it, and think not of it, but of its people when we call it home.

so i'm home right now in atlanta. my parents are home in fayetteville. my friends and brazilian family are home in salvador. and beyond that? only time will tell :)

a meus amigos e família no brasil...amo a vocês e não posso esperar ver-los de novo :)
beijos!

so what did we learn from this?

2008-12-01T08:52:00.002-05:00

let me first start off by saying that my thanksgiving break was incredible :) after almost crying with stress from school for the past few weeks, it felt amazing to hop on a plane to melbourne, fl to spend the holiday with my family and my boyfriend, who came along for the ride :D it was everything a thanksgiving should be - perfect weather, good food, fun people, relaxation - well, while i was there anyway. coming back turned out to be quite a different story, and when i think about it now, i almost can't even believe that all of it happened in one day.

the weekend after thanksgiving is one of the busiest air travel days of the year. the airport had been pretty empty on the way down to florida, so we were all pretty confident that we'd get on our 8:30am plane and be back in atlanta by 10am, giving everyone time to get together everything they had to do for the week ahead. well.

8:30am
the 8:30 flight time was quickly pushed back to 9:30, after which we took off and it felt so good to be in the air (i hate spending a lot of time in airports doing nothing). something had sounded a little funny during takeoff, but once we were airborne it didn't seem to be a problem, so everyone started settling in for a short nap and cuddling up with their books and magazines. then, one of the weirdest annoncements i've ever heard on a plane, "well, it looks like we sucked a bird through our left engine, so we're going to have to make an emergency landing back in orlando." what????? how often does that happen? so back we go. the flight is cancelled and we're shortly booked on a another flight leaving at 2:30 (well, juan and me anyway) while my parents are booked on a flight for 2:45. ok, not too bad.

2:30pm
well, both of these departure times, due to the weather, are pushed back an hour each, and after arriving on the plane, mine and juan's plane is then delayed another 2 hours due to brake problems to leave at 6:30pm. we exit the plane, running to the gate with my parents' plane to try to get on (even though the doors are closed at this point), and discover upon arriving there (thankfully at the front of the line), that our flight had just been cancelled. great. now my parents' plane is only accepting people with international connections. makes sense, though by now everyone has missed their connections anywhere they were trying to go.

5:30pm
finally, we're all allowed on the plane. we taxi to the runway. by now it's about 6:30 anyway, ha ha :) we stop for an atlanta ground stop for 20 minutes. by 7, we're finally in the air. thank god.

8:00pm
we arrive in atlanta by 8, sit on the runway for another 15 minutes, get to the terminal, then wait on our bags for 30 minutes. after talking to the delta rep. at the desk, turns out our bags got to atl before we did and have been sitting in a storage closet for 2 hrs. glad they're here, but wish they would've told us. with bag in tow, juan and i say goodbye to my family and make a run for marta. it's time to go home.

10:00pm
arrive at the midtown marta station, where a good friend picks me up to take me to my car on the other side of campus. pick up some wingnuts on the way for dinner. eek.

11:00pm
arrive at juan's place to share the food. neither of us has eaten anything real in hours, and incessant disappointment and frustration makes for a grouchy mood. food always helps.

so, we actually made it home 12 hrs after we were supposed to. we were not the only people in this situation, definitely not. weather, random birds, and mechanical problems are no one's fault, though you'd never know by the way people start treating each other in the airport when these things happen. and what can you learn from this?

well, to start off, we made it home safely. everyone arrived in one piece, alive, and well (and maybe just a little hungry, ha ha). we got to come back together, all 6 of us. we had an adventure, which now makes a great story though it sucked at the time. and when things are beyond your control, as they were in this situation, you kind of just have to be patient, be rational, and not lose yourself to the moment. and yeah, that person you might have been yelling at in line? they could end up right next to you on the plane. we're all in it together, and there's no excuse for lashing out at people for something they can't control.

it is, after all, the holiday season.

in the spirit of thanksgiving

2008-11-26T08:20:00.003-05:00

i love this time of year :) the atmosphere seems to be alive with knowledge that the holidays are around the corner. it's cold but full of anticipation, stressful but full of hope. tomorrow marks my official start of the holiday season with thanksgiving :)

the year has brought me here quickly, more than ever before, and now that i'm here, i'm realizing that though i've changed so much in the past couple of years, especially this year, this will always be constant as long as i have my loved ones around me :)

i know most of you have already headed to your respective destinations and are there now, relaxing and appreciating...good, that's exactly what this is about. we celebrate with food to honor our history, but really, just recognizing everything that you have to be thankful for, whether you stuff yourself silly or not, is what it's all about, i think :)

so happy thanksgiving to everyone, and i hope you come to fully appreciate everything that you have - your family and friends, your youth, your love, your knowledge, your power, and your potential.

it's all coming together

2008-11-20T08:41:00.003-05:00

today will be my last college football game (as a college student). next week will be my last thanksgiving having to make my plans around whether i actually have class on the day before or not. this winter break will be the last one i have, well, from school anyway. even though i technically graduated last may, these things never really hit me since i knew already that i'd be returning to tech for another glorious year, ha ha :) really, though, these things are nothing new to the people that i entered tech with 5 years ago, a few of which i still hang out with today.

for some reason, or maybe becuase i led myself to believe that it'd be better, i was ready to graduate but not ready to leave when i graduated last year. i had grown used to tech, or maybe just used to my lifestyle there. when you think about it, waking up at 10am for your 11am class everyday isn't such a bad deal. as i've gone through this semester though and seen how i fit into the graduate program while dabbling with the working world, it makes me realize that though i think my time (at tech at least) will finally feel right in being over, i don't know how i feel about being completely immersed in a 9-5 job. there are some freedoms that you just don't have once you get there, and that scares me a little bit.

that's why i'd like to take on a non-conventional job at first, one that gives me the chance to travel and the freedom to do lots of different things. going to brazil and my experience there definitely helped me find my direction for this, but it also just made me want to go back. if there's one regret i have about that experience it's that i didn't stay long enough. it was hard at first, sure, and i definitely got a lot out of it...but i also opened a new part of my life and discovered a completely different set of things that make me happy in addition to the ones i'd already known about. and i feel like that will always be with me...well, i hope so anyway :)

so after my obligations for the semester are over, when i start busting out the job applications, i'll be looking for what i've discovered i want and need in a job, but i'll also have more to consider, even just beyond going back to brazil itself. being there made me realize lots of things about being here too, and though i may not have the chance to satisfy all of my crazy ambitions, i'm hoping i'll find the wisdom to chase what's most important and be happy either way :)

there's so much i want to give back to so many people and institutions that have given so much to me. and now i just think i need to learn to live life with no regrets.

"i want to fly away"

2008-11-12T17:31:00.002-05:00

faz um mês (mais ou menos) desde eu encontrí com os estudantes brasileiros...bem, numa reunión. um mês, depois de todo dia no brasil (claro). preciso sair de novo. estou perdindo a língua, a cultura, os hábitos, os percepções.

agora eu entendo mais do que nunca.

estou confusa...como sempre :)

2008-11-10T19:41:00.002-05:00

so lately i've felt very much devoid of direction. i've just landed an internship/research thing with a professor here at school and with a company that does a lot of microscopy, which should be a good experience :) it looks pretty interesting and i think will do a lot to complement my education. i'm excited for it, but after that (and graduation), then what? i've been having the travel itch again despite the fact that i returned from brazil only 3 months ago, eek. a lot of that is wanting to go back and see everyone, wanting to be immersed in that warm, relaxed, inviting culture. some of it though, is just getting out there again and growing and learning in a way that you can only do when you're completely out of your comfort zone. there were some things that i had a really hard time with while i was there, and an incredible friend told me, "one day you'll look back on this experience and see just how lucky you were and how amazing it was. you won't remember much about everything else." he was right.

i'll be traveling again this winter break which will be awesome, especially since i'll be getting to hang out with and visit my family. i'll also get the chance to meet juan's extended family in costa rica too, which is intimidating but exciting :) it's something more than traveling though, i think. i want to be immersed again, be a part of something that's totally foreign and have it become part of me...what an incredible process :) maybe i'm also a little curious to see how i'll handle it this time around after doing it once before, i don't know. there's some reasons i don't want to, but lots that i do, and i haven't been able to come to terms with it all quite yet. i'll actually be making money this spring (which will help), but we'll see. i have time yet. i guess i'm just scared of going through everything so fast and only skimming the surface then growing to regret it. has anyone else gone through this train of thought? i thought that between my traineeship and my study abroad i'd have gotten that out of my system, at least a little so that i'd be content with just traveling. guess i really am a nomad at heart...

i'd like to think i can just take everything as it comes, but i've learned that a lot of times things just don't fall into your lap, you have to go after them.

so where do you go when you don't know what you're going after?

never expect the first...

2008-11-05T19:40:00.002-05:00

i never expected this first interview to work out perfectly, of course. well, it just goes to show that practice really does help. i'm still kinda disappointed though :( well, at least i got to see new orleans for free :)

here's to the first of many.

"if you can't feel it, then it must be too real to touch..."

2008-10-28T23:19:00.003-04:00

the line above, surprisingly, comes from an old eminem song, though i can't remember which one. in high school i covered my closet doors (4 of them) with random quotes from songs, poems, other literature, etc. that i connected with or found intriguing at some point in time. while at home last weekend, i stopped to read some of them, all of which remain untouched since i moved out almost 5 years ago. wow. this one stuck out for some reason and has, in turn, made me stop and reflect on what it means, exactly, to feel something...i mean, really feel it.

i've realized that over the past couple weeks, in talking with friends and family about things like choosing a job and likening it to the process of chossing a college, i must sound like a crazy hippie, ha ha :) the advice i've given people about making choices that they're having a hard time with has consisted mostly (well let's be honest, pretty much entirely) of the following advice: try out/try to get a feel for all the choices, then pick the one you get the vibes from. no joke, ha ha :) honestly, that's how i chose tech. i went to all the schools i applied to and walked around, talked to people, but mainly just tried to drink in my environment. this turned out to be pretty literal when i went to visit tech since it was cold, rainy, and miserable, ha ha...but despite all that, something about the place just connected with me. i guess i got the "vibes" so to speak...

it sounds silly, i know. but you know how when something is right (or wrong), you just intuitively know sometimes? your head might get in the way sometimes, trying to justify things that you feel are wrong or discourage you from pursuing things you feel are right, but nonetheless, given enough time, i've found that things work themselves out. it works with relationships, it works with making decisions about where you want to be, it works when you're trying to figure out your priorities...they tend to do it for themselves :) the trick is, learning to 1. recognize it and 2. trust it. that's probably been the hardest part for me throughout everything, though when i finally gave in, i was never disappointed. sweet.

so next week, when i'll have my first "in-house" interview in new orleans, i'm going to show up in my suit, be prepared to answer questions about myself and what i'm looking for (though i'll leave out the vibes part...for now ;D), and put on the nicest smile i can. really, though, beneath all that, i'll probably be interviewing them too, though a little more discretely. it's not something i'll find out by asking them questions, though those might help. but really, if they're anything like me, probably at least half of the answers will be geared toward what they think i want to hear, and the other half may or may not be b.s. hard to tell sometimes, ha ha :) anyway, though, i'm really going to see if i get the vibes there. they may not even offer me a job, but i'd like to know either way.

it might be a hard thing to do, scoping out, feeling around for the vibes. but really, if the place is so right or so wrong, maybe it won't be so difficult. that's the awesome thing about vibes, if you're open to it, you don't even have to try :)

the best of both worlds?

2008-10-23T08:35:00.003-04:00

so after 3 weeks of a continuous stream of papers, homeworks, and tests, i am finally almost able to relax again!!! granted, this last obstacle will take 8 hrs of my saturday, but when it's over, it's over :) though i love my major and am interested in my classes, i can't help but feel when i focus on only these things (as i've had to for the past few weeks), something's still missing.

it's the very reason i changed my major 3 times and had such a hard time picking one to stick with in the first place. i want to be an engineer in a lot of ways, and i think i would be ok at it...i also think i'd be happy doing a couple of other things too though, things that are completely unrelated to engineering. some of these things (ie writing, cooking, making music, sewing, photography) i do now as hobbies but i haven't really had a lot of time to devote to them, so i guess they're really side hobbies at best. but i've always wondered, where is that line that separates a career from a hobby?

when i graduated high school, i had been playing the flute for 7 years. i had auditioned 6 of those years for all state, always been very competitive within my school band, taken private lessons, etc. when it came time to graduate though and pick a college (kind of based on what i thought my major would be), i chose tech. not a music school, really, ha ha. i loved music. a lot. and i still do. so why wasn't i crossing that line from hobby (involved hobby at the time) to making it my life? why wouldn't i want to do that? i still don't really understand, i just know that i didn't, and now that's that. i recently spoke with an old friend from high school who i haven't seen in years. he asked me if i still played, and i told him, "not really, just on the side sometimes." "oh, that's a shame," he replied, "you were so good!" ...so am i throwing something away?

as far as engineering goes, i've always loved being outside (still do), exploring nature, and have always wanted to make a big impact in the world, maybe make a move toward solving some sort of problem. well, environmental engineering, especially with our energy crisis, pollution accumulation over the years, and rising population fits the bill as far as that goes. i really do love it, yet i hadn't even known anything about it until my second year of college. funny how things work out. so why is this so different than music? why am i willing to shape my career around this?

i'm not unhappy with where i am, it's just a question that comes up a lot in my head since i feel like my brain isn't all math and science. how do you get the best of both worlds when your profession is devoted mostly to one?

the forest and the trees...and vice versa.

2008-10-17T09:49:00.002-04:00

i love being outside. it's the reason i'm becoming an environmental engineer :) but what is it about looking at a rainy day from the inside-out that makes you glad (sometimes) that you're inside? don't get me wrong, i've done my share (and still love it) of playing in the rain, but sometimes the best part of the experience isn't an overload of your senses...sometimes food tastes better with your eyes closed, music sounds better in a dark room, and snow looks more beautiful from a spot next to the fire. simplicity.

of course not everything is this simple. never. ha ha :) but it definitely helps makes things more manageable, appreciating them for their parts so that you can better understand the whole.

note to self...do this more often :)

getting lost

2008-10-12T20:47:00.004-04:00

today, on the gorgeous drive back to atlanta from helen (in north georgia), i caught myself completely zoning...lost in the music...and vacantly staring at the brightly colored mountains, rolling hills, and lonely farmhouses. i was tired, for sure, and that probably partly explains the empty, lost stare...beyond that, though, there's a kind of peace that comes with losing yourself in a rhythm, in melodic poetry. damien rice, elliot smith, sufjan stevens, coldplay, radiohead, iron & wine, andrew bird, alexi murdoch. it hits your soul but not your mind, really. it's an incredible way to let your thoughts fade away for a little while and get beneath them...they are all, after all, inspired in some ways by something more than just a thought.

this happened once in brazil too. i sat on a bus driving from jequié to salvador, a 6 hr ride in which the arid mountains turn to tropical beaches...radiohead sang in my ears the whole time. i had only been in brazil for about a month by this time, and in the course of 6 hrs, in the change from light to darkness, in the change from dryness to wetness, from mountains to valleys, from vacation to reality, my whole reason for being there made sudden sense and felt right. and at the same time, the reasons for my homesickness became perfectly clear. i didn't judge them though, that's the beauty of the whole thing...thoughts of what should be, what makes sense, what you thought was right, and what you'd never imagnined before...all of it sits in the background for a moment, embeds itself in the music.

i don't remember exactly what surfaced today when i zoned out. i wasn't hit with a sudden burst of inspiration (unless you count this post, of course) or a life-shattering epiphany. i didn't find a definite direction in my life, nor did i form any declarative ideas...but i found peace. i found reflection, and relaxation, and the realization that in that moment, i was exactly where i wanted and needed to be. i found the strength to take on the next 2 "hell weeks" that await me at school, and released the dread i'd been fighting for weeks. maybe it's like meditation, but i'm not really sure since i've never truly meditated before. i usually don't start these on purpose, and because i don't, i ask for nothing and expect nothing in return...i just get to be, and for now, that's enough.

brasileira de novo

2008-10-08T14:38:00.003-04:00

esta noite eu vou a uma reunión da associacão dos estudantes brasileiros (se chama brasa aquí). estou ansiosa e emocionada, as duas...por que? bem...há quase 2 meses desde voltei nos estados unidos. ainda escrevo e falo (muito com mensagens, ha ha) com meus amigos lá, mas não é mesmo que ficando no brasil. eu passava 3 meses no brasil e eu aprendia muito sobre a cultura, a musica, a comida, as opiniões das pessoas, as crenças, a língua, etc. mais ainda não sei tudo. que facil para aprender coisas assim quando vc está lá, rodeada por todomundo, e que facil para cometer erros, porque ninguém espera que você sabe tudo e quase ninguém entende tudo sobre vc também.

mas aquí, todomundo sabe sobre a cultura americana, e talvez eles esperam que eu saiba muito sobre a cultura deles :/ bem, eu quero manter contato com brasil com qualquer manera e possivel, e suponho que preciso ir sem espectativas. eu sei que não sou uma brasileira, mas espero que esta noite, eu tenho a oportunidade para sentir um pouca de brasileira de novo :)

on thinking and feeling

2008-10-05T21:40:00.002-04:00

i've always been a pretty idealistic person. i never really understood (and still don't, really) why people just can't "get over it" so to speak and talk to each other...i mean, why not? we're all people, right? yes, we all have different opinions and viewpoints across cultures, and even within cultures. why don't we see how lucky we are to have the opportunity to interact with people every day that can expand our perspectives, introduce us to new ideas, expose us to situations we'd never known about...well, that's how i see it, anyway.

when i was in brazil, though, and became a little more exposed to how the rest of the world views americans (as a whole), it hit me pretty hard and actually just made me sad. not that i had jumped into brazilian culture and had a perfectly smooth transition, and not that my friends and host family there had made generalizations about me that affected our relationships, but being face to face with the reality in the general population about my general population profoundly affected me. upon writing about this in my blog, i received some responses along the lines of, "well, you were always kinda idealistic. this is just how it is." i mean, i can't argue with the first part of that. i was and still am like that. i'm quick to trust, quick to accept, and quick to believe that everyone has the motives that i would think they'd have, motives to do good in their little pieces of the world.

but why does this have to be a view associated with ignorance? since when did this have to become such an anomaly? and as far as the second part of that statement goes, when did this become...it? it's not the end of the road, right? what's wrong with change? i know that people are people and as people we aren't perfect, of course. i don't know though, sometimes i just think that our ideologies get in the way and dictate our emotions too much. since when did thinking surpass feeling in importance? we still have instincts for a reason. i can't help it if i feel for people in situations not as blessed as mine, for people that feel the world has turned against them, for people singled out because of their religion, their appearance, their country of origin. and not that i'm perfect and only feel "nice" feelings, but still.

and now public schools, low on funding, are looking to cut the arts programs first...sucks. i go to tech, i know, and i appreciate the fact that knowing about science, math, and technology has brought us so far and will continue to do so, but i can't imagine living in a world of only numbers, circuits, chemicals.

you need them both in their own right, thinking and feeling. but letting one dictate the other to where it blocks it out entirely...that's where we get into trouble.

i don't want to choose.

a memory and a smile :)

2008-10-01T21:16:00.004-04:00

so the other day, while driving to school, i was suddenly inspired to abandon my ipod (in the car at least) for the day in favor of some of my mix cd's from high school (yes, they are still in my car, ha ha :D). not sure why, exactly. fall has always had that effect on me though, making me reflective, nostalgic, and pensive about all of my falls before. weird, i know.

i love fall. the leaves are beautiful, granted, but it's something more than that...there's something about the air that just breathes of living the moment and all of those before it. symbolically, as my high school ap literature teacher would say, fall is the coming of the end, of death. but i don't know, i guess the death of one thing is the birth of another in a way, and it hits me more in the fall than the spring...and besides, i've had a lot of beginnings in the fall :)

so when i chose, the other day, to listen to my first cd mix aptly called "shove it!" (to express my sentiments about my newly broken heart in my senior year of high school), it brought me right back to sitting in the parking lot with my friends in my car with the heat running to keep out the cold (gas was cheaper then, ha ha)...it didn't make me sad, though, which i now realize looking back, i was sad for awhile (first love, ya know). i've noticed that too, that no matter how many terrible things have happened in the fall, in the past, when that crisp air brings me back to that time, it never brings those feelings, only the good things. it's not that i've blocked them out, i remember them clearly. hm.

fall makes me think of football, of halloween, of freedom, of promise, of love, of life, of death, of firsts, of lasts, of color, of warmth, of softness, of wine, of laughter, of relaxation, of action, of promises, of kisses, of ends, but of new beginnings too.

i guess everyone has their thing that just clicks with them, that just puts them in their element, that triggers their imaginations and their creativity. not that a season in and of itself can do all those things...in my case, music helps a lot, for instance. smells too. but really, i wouldn't have it any other way.

:)

still searching...

2008-09-21T22:17:00.003-04:00

as i research topics about which to write my environmental microbiology midterm paper, it strikes me how this process mirrors that of figuring out what i'm going to do after i graduate (again) in may. i was always very encouraging to my graduating friends last spring about finding jobs and "ah, you have lots of time." well, i guess that's how you look at it when you have an outsider's perspective. now i'm the one trying to decide what i want to do with my hugely broad degrees when all the characteristics i want in my ideal job don't exist all in the same job. oops.

on the one hand, i don't want to be too picky so that i'm ruling out things that i just don't know enough about to make a judgment...i mean, hey, i might end up liking them. at the same time, though, i've realized that potential employers seem to be looking for a concrete answer when they ask, "what do you want to do in my company?" damn. i've always been horrible at making decisions. so where's the happy medium? there's some things i know i don't want to do, but lots of things i just don't know enough about. i want to be open to these opportunities in which i have no experience, but how? it almost feels like a bit of a double standard. why can't i just be honest once in awhile and say, "i don't know?" what happened to honesty is the best policy? i don't want to feel like i'm lying to an employer when i'm looking for a job but supposedly it's expected...there's no way that everyone my age (and older!) knows exactly what they want to do with their lives...so we all lie. great. it's like dating, you know? how far does lying get you in the long run? as someone that has experience with this, trust me when i say it gets you to the wrong place.

i want to be honest. i want this honesty to be expected. i'm tired of being expected to know how i want to spend 1/3 of my day after i graduate college right now, agora mesmo. i know i can't expect to find my dream job (if i only knew what that was) right away, if at all...but what good is telling someone what they want to hear when it makes you cringe to hear it come out of your own mouth?

it's more than a job thing, it's a people thing. enough with the charades.

every weekend a new adventure

2008-09-14T21:44:00.004-04:00

this semester has been different for me so far in a lot of ways, and now that it's been about a month since i moved back up to atlanta and began a new chapter of my life in grad school, i feel like now's a good time to take a nice, objective look at it...awesome :)

so what have i been up to, exactly? well, for starters, this year has been a lot different because for the first time in 4 years, i'm not living on campus in some capacity or another. i can no longer walk to class (which makes me a little sad), but i can also no longer walk home during the day to waste time in my room, which is good. i plan my days ahead to include bringing my lunch from home (elementary school style, ha ha), bringing workout clothes for the gym, extra clothes to change into after the gym, extra books to do work during the day, anything extra i may need for meetings after class, etc. it's like a mental checklist in a way, and i really like it. i feel like staying at school all day (to avoid wasting gas by driving back and forth a couple of times a day) makes me think of everything i need to do and make sure it gets done...yay for productivity :)

i've been cooking more this year. having a real kitchen with all my stuff in it helps, but yeah...when i feel lazy it's not always the best thing, but it saves money, the food is good (well, most of the time, ha ha :D), and it's nice to have that kind of control over at least one aspect of your life :) i also haven't been able to see my boyfriend every day this year, which is a first during the school year for me (i've been spoiled, i know, ha ha)...the weekends, however, are a vast improvement from the 3 month span without seeing eachother this summer, so this is bearable. it actually motivates me to do more work during the week so that we can spend time together on the weekends...so far, so good :)

i haven't been doing as much work as i expected, and even with the intention of not becoming too involved in extracurriculars, i've still managed to get myself leadership (in some capacity) in 3 organizations...i just can't stay away, ha ha :) part of this, though, i think has always been a result of me not being completely a school-driven, sciencey, mathey person...i had a hard time picking a major for this reason, switching from marketing to journalism to engineering...wtf? truth is, i think i'd be happy in any of them, as long as i make room for the others in my life in some way or another. i'm trying to stay in touch with my adopted culture (yay brazil!), keep up with my portuguese and spanish, and meet kids from around the world in all of these organizations, and i love it :) i hope that i never have to give up that part of my life.

every weekend i've done something different and hung out with a big variety of friends that come from different circles. i've been taking more advantage of living in atlanta (not nyc, but a big city in it's own right), which has proven to be awesome and exciting...this is my 5th year living in the city, and never before had i gone to see improv, much less 2 times (one in piedmont park). i raced in a dragonboat last weekend (a little reminiscent of my crew days, ha ha). i went to a german beer fest a couple of weeks ago. i've triend new restaurants, new clubs, and have just enjoyed parking the car and walking around a little, or even taking marta (gasp! i know, ha ha). i couldn't ask for a better semester so far, really :) i still miss everyone in brazil dearly, but i'm working on my master plan of returning one day, and bringing some ppl in tow...it's going to be a party :)

every day i realize, though, how far i've come from being the scared freshman in a tiny dorm 4 years ago. i drive to school (reminds me of driving/riding the bus to work), i cook, i "keep house" for the first time in my college career, and yeah...things that i never thought i'd like, i do. i'm one of those ppl that wakes up and reads the newspaper now, and not even the living section (which used to be the only thing that i'd touch). where, along the way, did this happen? i like it, but at the same time it's weird to realize that i'm slowly approaching a level of equality with my parents (well, besides the whole being married and having kids thing, ha ha). i don't feel old, exactly, just more aware.

when i was a teenager, i was really in to art and stuff...i used to cut up my clothes, re-sew them as different things, paint them, etc. i loved it. i still love that stuff, just don't have much time for it anymore. in doing that, though, i felt i was expressing myself as it could be expressed no other way, and that the way i saw the world was how it was. now, still love all those things, but when i express myself through words or art, it comes out a little differently, with a little different spin. there are some things you just can't understand until you've been through them, and of course i haven't been through everything. i feel like now, though, when i look at the world (and now that i've seen a little more of it), i just see...more. when i was 16 i didn't care much who was president, what was going on in countries across the world...and most of all, i just didn't see the world for it's people. i've met so many people since i left fayetteville for school, and it's just been incredible.

your knowledge is nothing without people. and all of those emotions and perspectives you experience are all inspired (in part) by lots of people too. i guess i've rediscovered the value of people, all in different ways, in all different people :)

well, i guess this is growing up.

inspiration

2008-09-07T22:58:00.002-04:00

inspiration can bring out the best and the worst in people, i think. we usually think of inspiration as something uplifting, something that drives you to strive for something greater, to look beyond a point to which you might have limited yourself before. but what if all of this vision goes in the wrong direction? i mean, i guess it's a matter of perspective, but generally a direction that hurts, destroys, and pillages...no bueno.

tonight, as i reread some of my blog posts from when i was in brazil, i was struck by how not only the place itself awoke inspiration in me, but also social situations, personal relationships, and the perceptions of those around me - sometimes i was angry, sometimes exhilarated beyond words, sometimes frustrated beyond tears - and all in the span of 3 months. i learned more about myself in that 3 months than i probably learned about myself in all of 2006, which is incredible. but it was also a little frightening. looking back, the very situations that drove me to tears, irrepressible laughter, and the simultaneous feeling of belonging and feeling like an outsider came out in so many different ways through my writing and inspired me to experience so many different feelings. amazing, incredible, ridiculous...and after all of this, i'm still me.

this past weekend was incredible. i got to hang out with people from all different circles of friends, some at the same time, all in unfamiliar environments. it feels new but always familiar, kinda like how it felt to return to the u.s. after being in brazil for 3 months...so short of a time, yet so long. i met one of these people last summer in france. he stayed in germany for a year after that, and we're just now getting the hang of chillin in the U.S. together...but even after a year, he's still the same, well to me anyway. did 11 months in germany not change him? or am i not looking hard enough? and if i hadn't told him would he even know i ever went to brazil based on how i act? sometimes i feel that my perceptions of my actions and the ways in which others perceive my actions are not the same...so really, all this changing that i thought i did in brazil, and the revelations i expressed through this very blog, are they only in my mind?

i'd like to think that something more happened than a bunch of stuff in my head. but as time passes here more brazilian mannerisms, perceptions, and portuguese words slip through my brain, no matter how much i try to stop them. i don't want this to just be a string of distant memories and a folder of photos on my computer. i want to keep this real, i want to feel all of those ways that i felt again. and that won't happen here. que pena...

once a nomad, it seems, always a nomad.
you never go back...well, not willingly anyway :)

estou com sorte

2008-09-01T22:32:00.003-04:00

i wrote the below last night while procrastinating from my schoolwork, ha ha...it's all in portuguese, and i don't know why, but i just felt like writing it. the grammar is probably horrible, but you know how sometimes you just feel like doing things and you don't know why? i wonder why that is...your environment? your mood? the people you surround yourself with? where does inspiration come from and why? and why is it different for everyone? i mean, obviously, people are different, but i don't know...i've realized recently that environmental-type jobs are a trend in my family. i don't know why...is it something genetic then that's making us all tick? weird.

sorry for all of these random thoughts...but hey, when tech tries to force so much science and math into your head your brain rebels with a little craziness, ha ha :) well, here's the stuff from yesterday...

durante este fim de semana passado, eu descobria algumas coisas...bem, talvez não descobria, mas pensava sobre elas. e aquí têm...

- estou com sorte...com muitas coisas
- estou tímida, mas quando eu conquisto-la (minha timidez), nunca lamento-lo
- se algo não me interesa, é muito dificil para mim para ficar motivada e tentar tão muito como possivel

ah, para que você saiba, não sei por que estou escrevendo em português...eu quis escrever assim. estou com saudade de brasil, meus amigos lá, e a lingua português. em realidade, eu não tenho muito para dizer agora mesmo...desculpe. eu preciso ler para faculdade, em verdade, ha ha :)

eu sinto estranha hoje...me desculpe. mas este blog também é meu diário (em uma manera), não? e se você fala português, desculpe para minha gramática :)

too much but not enough

2008-08-27T00:16:00.003-04:00

i always intended to keep up with this blog even after my return to the u.s. here's the problem though...i just haven't felt quite as inspired. it's not that nothing happens in my day - actually, a lot happens. i'm busy all day, sometimes on campus until almost 7pm doing who knows what, then return home and still don't have a minute to sit down and just veg with a good book...what do i do all day? really, my days aren't so different than those in brazil, it's just that i'm here now and not there. so why am i not inspired? i felt like i reconnected with my inner writer in brazil, a passion forgotten since my high school years...and i loved it :) here, tech is taking my creativity again, ha ha ha ha...well, probably not, just my time, and that's valid i guess. i think the real reason i'm not inspired to write here is that, well, no matter what happens, it all fits in to how i think that things happen. i'm back in the middle of my comfort zone, and though i've been trying to push myself out of it a little here, it's more difficult than it was in brazil considering that this whole place, basically, IS my comfort zone and that the whole place there, basically, wasn't.

along the way, though, i think some of it became a part of my comfort zone, and not having some of its aspects here doesn't make me feel uncomfortable, exactly, just saudade (as they say in portuguese)...saudade is nostalgia (according to google translator), but really just the noun form of missing something. well, maybe that's nostalgia, ha ha :) i don't know, i'm so comfortable here, but at the same time i miss the surprise and the challenge every day. i miss my friends too, and it's incredible that we became as close as we did in such a short time. there are lots of things i don't miss, exactly, but lots of things that i do, and some things that i've tried to bring back here :)

tomorrow i get the opportunity to stand up and talk about my traineeship in front of a group of people that are trying to decide if they want to join aiesec. there's so much to say and so many things that don't have words, so i'm not sure what i'm going to say, exactly. at the same time, though, if i can get across to one person the impact that my experience in brazil has had on my life, then i've done my job. hopefully tomorrow, i'll go above and beyond :)

eu sempre intentava para manter este blog depois de voltar nos estados unidos. mas quando eu tento escrever, as vezes, eu não posso encontrar a inspiração...por que? não é porque nada ocurre durante meu dia - na verdade, muitas coisas acontecem. em geral, estou ocupada...fico na faculdade até 19:00 horas as vezes então chego em casa e faço mais coisas sem tempo para relaxar e leer um livro...o que eu faço dia em todo? em realidade, meus dias aquí não têm muitas diferenças com meus dias no brasil. então, por que não estou inspirada? no brasil, eu senti como eu reconectei com minha paixão para escrita, algo eu deixei nos anos do colégio. eu a adorei :) e eu acho que não estou inspirada aquí porque coisas acontecem na manera que eu espere. agora estou confortavel, e ainda que eu tento para encontrar coisas diferentes aquí com quais não estou confortavel, é mais dificil porque no brasil, tudo era assim.

mas agora, eu sinto como algums aspetos da cultura no brasil são um parte de minha zona de conforto. eu não sinto desconfortável sem eles aquí, mas eu sinto saudade para os desafios e aventuras todo dia. eu tenho muita saudade para meus amigos também, gente com quem eu ficava perto depois de só um pouco tempo. não sinto saudade para tudo lá, mas sinto para muitas coisas e tentei para trazer algumas coisas aquí de lá :)

amanha eu vou fazer uma presentação sobre meu traineeship enfrente de gente que está interesado em AIESEC. eu tenho muitas coisas para dizer e também muitas coisas que não têm palavras para describir-las. pois, eu não sei o que vou dizer, exatamente, ha ha :) mas se eu posso divulgar para uma pessoa o impacto que meu traineeship tivesse em minha vida, então eu tenho sucesso. eu espero que eu vou acima e além disso :D

something old and something new

2008-08-19T00:52:00.003-04:00

i started grad school today...well, officially anyway. it was weird because since i'm still at tech, i already know where everything is, i'm settled in with a group of friends (well, those who haven't graduated yet, ha ha :D), i'm involved with organizations on campus, i understand just the culture of the whole place i guess, and i think i'm taking it for granted. it still feels like undergrad, and after all, why shouldn't it? my routine looks much as it has for the past 4 years except for now i drive to school instead of rolling out of bed 10 minutes before class starts and running from my fraternity house home to make it on time. yeah, this happened more than a few times, ha ha :)

at the same time, though, i feel older, more experienced, more in-control of my life. maybe it's the new apartment with its full kitchen, more personal space, etc. maybe it's that i really am older than lots of the students (besides some of the grad students, of course) and their confusion on the first day was especially written all over their faces today, maybe it's because i just returned from one of the most challenging and most amazing experiences of my life and now have a little bit of a different outlook on things, maybe it's because i feel completely comfortable with myself and my personal relationships (for the first time in my life)...who knows. i felt really brazilian a couple of times today, then i felt old, then i felt young, and then i felt hungry (of course, ha ha). but regardless, however this whole next year unfolds, it will be dynamic, challenging, inspiring, and hopefully eye-opening, since i still have nooooo idea what i want to do with my life...still.

well, i still have time at least.

p.s. - vou escrever o parte português amanha, desculpe. agora é 1:00, e é mais dificil para escrever em uma outra lingua quando é muito tarde (ou cedo, ha ha :D)...ainda eu sinto muito saudade para vocês no brasil, e não se preocupem, amanha com certeza :) beijoooos!

home.

2008-08-11T18:46:00.002-04:00

amazing how "home" can feel foreign, yet as it always has at the same time. i think i first experienced this when i went away to college and would return home to my parents house for whatever reason...i knew that i didn't quite belong anymore, yet always would. my memories were embedded in my high school parking lot, the waffle house down the street, the park where i had gone many times to play pick-up soccer games with my friends, my bedroom which had seen hours on the phone, stolen kisses, and my angsty teenage artistic endeavors, ha ha :) everything, really. yet every time i came home, something had changed too...always new buildings, widening roads, new developments. life goes on after you leave, even if you once thought you would always be part of it and it a part of you. funny how that happens.

it felt like that (though on a bigger scale) when i arrived back in the u.s. yesterday. fayetteville looks as it always has, though there are some new buildings going up and road-widening projects going on, as usual. my family is the same, my boyfriend is the same, my friends are the same, my house is the same, my neighborhood, my car, everything...and we've all picked up where we left off. i see it all a little differently now though after living in a place so different. our roads are meandering, our houses spaced far apart, our cars large, our society a little quieter and reserved. i blend in here, everyone speaks english, and sometimes i even have to stop the portuguese words on the tip of my tongue when i speak as i did many times with english in brazil. i drove today and went to a coffee shop (not a popular thing in brazil)...things i always did, but felt so foreign for the day. i felt understood completely and completely misunderstood at the same time...so really, i almost fit in, i guess.

and all this after only 3 months! how did people i met only 3 months ago become such a big part of my life in such a short time? how did places so foreign become so familiar, and a culture so different meld with my own to create something that transcends boundaries? but transcending boundaries isn't always easy...i woke up with an upset stomach, a fever, and a raging headache today. not all adjustments come easily. :(

Que incrivel que eu possa sentir como uma nativa e uma estrangeira no mesmo tempo aqui. Eu tenho muitas lembrancas aqui, e por isso, eu acho que este lugar sempre sera um parte de minha vida. Contudo, depois de so 3 meses, eu sinto uma ligacao a Salvador mais forte que eu esperaria com um pouco tempo assim. aqui, eu sinto que pertenco mas pertenco la tambem...estranho. aqui, temos ruas meandros, temos mais espaco entre nossas casas, nossos carros sao mais grandes, e nossa sociedade e mais sossegada e fria. mas eu posso aceptar isso porque ate o verao passado, era tudo que eu saiba. agora, ainda eu posso aceptar-lo...mas agora, eu tenho algo mais...perguntas.

por que nos fazemos coisas assim? e por que no brasil, eles fazem coisas assim? e como posso sentir que eu pertenco com os dois mas nao pertenco tambem? eu sinto saudade para os amigos ainda no salvador, o mar, a cultura relaxada, a musica e comida diversas...minha vida la. mas aqui, eu adoro minha liberdade de transporte, de sabendo a lingua (muito bem, pelo menos), minha familia, meu namorado, meus amigos, meu espaco...minha vida aqui. parece que, entao, nunca vou sentir como estou completamente em casa, porque eu tenho muitas. mas se eu posso falar com as pessoas que fazem um lugar especial, sempre estarei em casa :)

my lasts

2008-08-08T13:11:00.002-04:00

i leave tomorrow. wow.

as with any part of your life that was once fiercely embedded in a routine or driven towards a singular purpose, when you approach the end, you start having your lasts...it´s a weird feeling to think that it may be your last time going to a certain place or eating a certain food or just doing a certain thing that you´ve done every day for the past (insert amount of time here). today is my last day of work, my last day of waking up in my small, sunlit room already bright with the light of the day at 6am. today i rode the "little bus," as i call it (ha ha) to work and watched the city pass me by for the last time before i leave. i just came back from my last lunch in comércio, which was a huge group affair with almost my entire office and delicious, traditional brazilian churrasco. lots of lasts today and only more to come.

it´s hard to wrap my mind around still, but i´m getting there, i think. i said a lot of goodbyes last night over drinks, homemade pão de queijo, and a mixture of reggae, brazilian pop, and electronica music. it was hard, yes - with the goodbyes, though, i´m not going to view these as lasts. as many good friends have told me, the world is smaller than you think, and there´s definitely a difference between a last and a goodbye. yeeeesssss :)

but in the midst of these lasts, i have found a first to add to the list. since it seems that one function of this blog was to keep people at home updated on my life and adventures here (not sure if it fulfilled that or not, sorry if not), when i return, this blog (for people that are reading from atlanta anyway) loses that purpose a little bit. but in the spirit of viewing nomading as having the world as your home, i figured this blog could still fulfill that purpose, just not necessarily for the same audience as before. so that´s why, with the help of some good friends here in salvador, this blog will from now on (hopefully) have a little section in portuguese to help keep some of my friends here updated for while i´m in my other home, atlanta :) this will have to start out slowly, of course, and will have lots of mistakes, but i´m hoping that in time it will grow, improve, and serve the purpose that this blog was always meant to serve, just with a further reach.

se você está lendo este parte, primeiro, desculpe por a gramática. Como eu disse acima (em inglês), eu quero que vocês podem leer isso para manter contato comigo, como meu familia e amigos nos estados unidos e outros lugares fazeram enquanto eu era no brasil. vou tentar para escrever em português mais e mais em este blog, e eu espero que 1. vocês possam entender-lo 2. vocês me ajude com gramática, escrevendo, etc. eu quero melhorar, especialmente porque eu não posso falar com vocês todo dia agora. vocês me avisem como estou fazendo, por favor :)

também, eu quero que vocês saibam que eu tinha 3 incrivel meses no salvador, e obrigada por tudo :) todo mundo é bem-vindo na atlanta (ou qualquer lugar nos estados unidos) qualquer tempo...só me liguem! meu país é seu país :)

é dificil para imaginar que talvez muito tempo vai passar antes de ver-nos de novo! estou triste quando eu penso sobre isso, mas emocionada também que consigo ver minha famila e amigos na atlanta. muitos sentimentos conflitantes. mas obrigada por tudo de novo, e não posso esperar até nos encontramos de novo :D

mantenha contacto! beijos :)

...on being a nomad

2008-08-06T22:15:00.002-04:00

i´ve discovered a lot over the past 3 months...well, that´s an understatement really, ha ha :) and with as much as i´ve learned, i´ve further discovered that i know basically 1/5654165456465456498786465486 (or less) of all i could possibly know about in this world. wow.

the full realization of that hits pretty hard, especially since i just spent the last 18 years of my life getting educated, and after graduating with a college degree, i´m now realizing that i know basically nothing, ha ha :) it´s liberating in a way, since you still have such a far way to go, so many things left to explore - but it´s frustrating in a way too, since you still have such a far way to go. depends how you look at i guess, like with anything else.

kinda like my time here...3 days. i can´t believe it, it´s gone by so fast! what have i been doing with myself for the past 3 months? ok, working obviously, and hanging out with amazing aiesecers and other incredible people i´ve met here. but really, what have i done? in some ways i feel like a completely different person, but i don´t know why exactly, and i couldn´t tell you what about me has changed. maybe nothing´s changed, it´s just my perception. who knows. in some ways, though, i feel more like myself than ever...not an old self, necessarily, just a self, and i´m comfortable with that, maybe moreso than ever before. sweet.

well, regardless of what may or may not have changed over the past 3 months, this fact remains...i leave in 3 days, and i think i´m now starting to get my first taste or what it truly is to be a nomad. for a nomad, the world is your home, or nowhere´s your home, depends how you look at it. when i return to the u.s. for a little while i´ll be a stranger in my own country, which is good, that´s the point. i´ll be doing all over again what i did 3 months ago...leaving my home. except this time, i´ll be leaving friends here that i may realistically never see again (which i´ve been trying not to think about) and a place that even when (yes, when, i´m coming back one day :D) i return, will never quite be the same. it´s hard to think that this one piece of your life will never return, or at least not in the same way. but that´s how it is for a nomad that hangs out with nomads.

in the past year, i don´t think all of my aiesec friends have been in the same country at the same time. but that´s what aiesecers do...nomad...and somewhere along the way you have to accept that with this lifestyle, goodbye is hello and hello goodbye as much as i´m american-born and bred but can still be a stranger in my own country. a glorious paradox...frustrating, elating.

lately, i haven´t been able to stop thinking about atlanta and the people there that i´ve missed for the past 3 months, especially since i´m soooo close to seeing them. at the same time, though, i know i´m going to miss brazil and the people here too and want to live it up. so as a result, i´m crazy confused and torn all the time. it´s easy enough to say to concentrate on living it up here while i´m here, but when you´re down to 3, there´s no avoiding departure and thinking about what awaits you on the flip side. and there´s no shame if what´s waiting there for you gives you a huge smile just thinking about it :)

because after all, hello and goodbye are really one and the same. the italians, hawaiians, and everyone else that has one word that means hello and goodbye in their language had the right idea :D so really i guess in this case, my first taste of what it truly is to be a nomad, it´s all in my perception...hello or goodbye?

i´m indecisive...maybe i´ll just settle for ciao.

nothing like nature to bring you back to reality

2008-08-04T22:55:00.002-04:00

so this past weekend (my last full weekend in brazil, eek!), i decided to go out with a bang, so to speak. david (the canadian trainee) and i ventured out to chapada diamantina, a huuuuuge national park situated west of salvador about 7 hrs by bus but still in bahia (bahia´s a big state, ha ha). it´d be waaay too hard to describe to you the natural beauty that i saw/challenged/discovered this weekend, but i wanted to share some stuff that i thought about this morning during an invigorating, challenging, and amazingly beautiful 14 km hike :)

so this hike, i knew, would be challenging. i also knew that it should take about 2.5 hrs to go 7 km, but since we had to catch a 1 pm bus back to salvador, i expected that we´d be booking it too...this was all correct. what i didn´t expect was 1. the extent of the beauty and grandeur of the waterfall that awaited us at the end and 2. the fact that half of this 7 km (1 way) hike would consist entirely of rock-hopping. now, i love rock hopping, though it does scare the hell out of me. but after going halfway and then seeing this, there was no way i could turn back...plus, i wanted to see the waterfall, ha ha :) the guide and david, who are both over 6 ft tall, took on the challenge as if it was nothing, leaping over large openings, stretching between long distances, and climbing up steep, tall rocks. me? well, i did what i could with some help :) i actually didn´t do too bad, and as i got the hang of hopping from rock to rock, each time depending a little less on my hands to steady myself, i began to think about why i´m so scared of rock-hopping in the first place yet love it so much.

and i think it comes down to this...i don´t trust myself.

i´ve never had the best balance in the world, as evidenced by my numerous scars with causes ranging from rollerblading accidents to tripping over my own feet...ah, what can you do? maybe these falls have made me more cautious? maybe my fear of getting hurt with the memory of how it feels have made me shy away from activities that could possibly bring me to it again? i don´t know. whatever the reason, though, it´s there, and had i let it get the best of me, i could´ve missed one of the most amazing waterfalls i´ve ever seen in my life...and really, rock-hopping is a bit like life then, isn´t it?

once i got momentum going, everything was easier. i gained confidence, and with my speed felt more agile and was able to use my movement in my favor when it came to scaling up some steeper rocks or balancing in precarious places. i had to see the rocks as merely a part of something bigger, just a piece on my journey to the waterfall, and then i could leap (almost, ha ha) efforlessly between rocks, my feet seeming to find where they belonged and my hands only helping when necessary. here´s the thing though, one slip and my mind reverted back to seeing only each rock as itself and analyzing the best way to get to this one rock, to balance on this rock, and to find the best way to attack the next. and then you know what? i´d start slipping even more, out of fear i think more than anything else.

so basically, you have to see the big picture...getting caught up in the little things makes you worry too much about things that in the long run, might not matter at all, or that might have only mattered for a second. don´t be afraid to trust yourself and your instincts, you do have them for a reason, and no matter how much you study or put your faith in what you read, sometimes you can only really know something from not knowing it...just feeling it :)

and let me tell you, by the time we reached that waterfall, all i could feel was pride, awe, fatigue, accomplishment, elation, and eventually, the icy refreshment of the red-tinged water beneath the falls as i jumped in, completely ready to take on that waterfall firsthand :D

here are some pictures from the weekend...more will be posted on facebook soon. enjoy!

p.s. - these pictures don´t do this place justice...

tmi

2008-07-29T13:17:00.002-04:00

so i was talking to my mom on the phone last night, our first time talking since i had sent her an email with the url of this blog in it this past weekend (sorry about that btw, mom, i thought i had given it to you)...so even though i´m leaving in 1.5 weeks (eek!), apparently she and my dad had gone back through it to catch up on all that i may have or have not told them. not on purpose, of course, but i feel like this blog has not really told you guys much about what i´ve been actually doing since i´ve been here, more just my perceptions and reactions to all of those things...sorry about that, i hope i haven´t scared everyone away by now :D but anyway, yeah, so as we´re talking last night, my mom mentions that she´s read the blog and likes how it´s written and stuff, but then says, "some of the things seem so personal...why on earth would you put them on the internet?"

well, i thought about that.

i didn´t just think about me though...i thought of all the blogs i read by my friends, my fellow aiesecers around the world, all having unique adventures, all experiencing life in their own right, whether it be from home in the u.s. or places i can´t even imagine like kenya. i thought of all the inspirational, inflammatory, perceptive, horrifying, uplifting, etc. things that i´ve read on all of these blogs, and of the things i learned though i hadn´t been there in any sense of the word - physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. or even just readily. my friends have written about things that i may never experience, places i may never see, people that i may never encounter...yet in a way, through their words, their perceptions, and their revelations, i feel like maybe i´ve learned something too, or at least have been given the opportunity to consider things differently. i´m very lucky.

i guess i never thought about before how personal some of those things might have been to write...or maybe they weren´t really personal at all. and well, really, maybe some personal things are meant to be shared - the way we understand (in english anyway) the word "personal" in such a context is to mean that something is very intense emotionally or mentally for someone, and therefore private and not meant to be shared. but this is, after all, only an understanding.

so in my case, i guess, there were times when i just needed release, when the frustrations of my life here were just too much...maybe i rambled. but really, i don´t know, maybe i felt it was good to put that new perspective out there. i would never try to force my perspective on anyone, especially about subjective-type things like religion, relationships, and people...i believe what i believe, though this has never been nor will it ever be set in stone, my time here has taught me that. question everything, try everything, jump right in, because sometimes you need that #1. to appreciate what you had #2. learn what you want #3. see what you can do. no one ever made a difference by sitting, watching the world pass them by...common sense, you think, right? well, i don´t know.

i´ve met people here that talk about the economic and social situations here in brazil, those with a huuuuge gap between the rich and poor, then turn around and talk about those in the u.s. like they´re perfect with a hint of resentment in their voices. they talk about my country like we have caused the world´s problems and that we only continue to fuel them further through our actions. i´m asked questions like, "why do you do this? why do you dress like this? why don´t you do this?" random people on the street reach out and touch me (arms for grabbing to get your attention, hair for who knows why, ha ha). i see people limping along on the sidewalk with deformed limbs, dirty, always asking for money, i feel horrible telling a mother with a small infant that no, i don´t have any money as she hikes the baby up on her thin hip and walks to the next passerby, it breaks my heart but makes me mad at the same time as i approach a ticket window in the bus station surrounded by an entire family, all asking for money...an entire family! the construction in the city to expand roads and build new pedestrian walkways speaks of progress while people are sleeping on cardboard boxes at the bottom of my office building - my host mom tells me the other day that appearances are so important here that sometimes people would rather spend what little money they have on clothes and shoes than on food...what???

the people here are amazing - open, warm, caring, full of life...but there´s suffering and poverty sitting next to comfort and luxury - people will pay r$70 for a bottle of victoria´s secret body lotion to elevate their status, even if they don´t really have the money for things like that - the taxes here are ridiculous, especially on imported items. in some ways, understandable, but where is it going? how does a favela end up next to a brand new mall?

don´t get me wrong, i´ve come to love this city as my own, but i just don´t understand some of the realities here, and though the ideas expressed here are my personal thoughts, i don´t feel that they´ll do me or anyone else much good if i never talk about them.

so in summary, i guess i think it´s important to be challenged, especially when that challenge goes against anything you´ve ever known to be true or will ever know, or maybe even things you´ll never know. thank you to everyone who has helped me expand my perspective a little more, and thank you, mom, for making me think about this. and maybe we all should a little bit - your experience might be the only glimpse someone ever has into the people, language, and culture of your location, of your reality...make it count.

some revelations

2008-07-25T14:46:00.003-04:00

my experience here in brazil has taught me a lot about a lot of things in a lot of ways...i know i just used "a lot" a lot, but i´ve noticed that i tend to do that in general - maybe i´m extreme? i don´t know, but people here make fun of me for saying "muito" a lot (the portuguese equivalent of "a lot") too...ok, tangent, sorry :)

anyway, back to my original point, talk about a dynamic experience - in some ways i feel more prepared for the world ahead with all of the skills and knowledge i´ve gained. in other ways, i feel more unprepared than ever, since as the saying goes, "the more you learn, the less you realize you know," or something like that. anyway, so i know what kinds of non-concrete things i want out of a profession, well, out of life really. helpful, but not so much...still have lots of options, but that´s a good thing i guess, right? anyway, some of what i´ve discovered is as follows:

for a profession...
- helping out the world environmental situation somehow (loooooots of options for this...)
- making the rules, not following them
- open environment with friendly people and lots of interpersonal communication
- not sitting at a desk all day...variety!
- ok, adding to the last one, being OUTSIDE!!! damn, it´s a beautiful world :)
- some people in this world are crazy and ignorant, sometimes not through fault of their own, and since change comes from people, not from technology, i want to work with people, not crunch numbers all day
- i want to travel!!!
- variety of work
- one day i want to have a family of my own...some room for flexibility would be nice (eventually, of course, ha ha)
- i like problem solving in creative ways (well, i´d like to think i can do that anyway) -- make me think, mmk?
- i looooove learning about other cultures, languages, etc...ah yes, and words fascinate me (i´m sure you can see i´ve turned into a writing addict...)
- i want to do work without feeling like i´m working

ah, i also had another revelation today (well, maybe not revelation to everyone, this might be true only in my opinion) - i think you only get as old as you allow yourself to become. you always get older, sure, but not old necessarily...big thank you to my cousin carrie for this inspiration :)

tchau!

refreshing.

2008-07-24T09:19:00.001-04:00

i work on the 7th floor of a building situated in one of the more commercial districts of the city. there are constantly people passing by on the street below, tons of street vendors selling everything from candy to acarajé to pastries to electronics to clothes, etc, and a constant, steady stream of cars and buses. the environment is very city-like - always motion, always the noise of a diesel engine or portuguese chatter, always the smell of freshly-baked pastries, always the vivid colors of fresh fruit lining the alleys and sidewalks. usually, in my office 7 floors above this commotion, i´m shut off from this until 12pm hits and hunger demands my descent.

today, however, the a/c in my office is broken. 2 entire walls of the office are composed only of windows, and they´re all open, letting in the faint sea breeze as it weaves through 2 blocks of other buildings, the smells, and the sounds of the street. today i feel like a part of the city as i sit in my cubicle 7 floors above it all, and it feels amazing.

why can´t the a/c break every day?

"well i guess this is growing up"

2008-07-23T08:57:00.003-04:00

so lately i´ve been coming to terms with my limited time remaining here...2 1/2 weeks. i´ve had ups and downs when thinking about staying here and returning to the u.s. that have now found an equilibrium of confusion, feeling like forever an outsider yet like i´ve always belonged. i´m not really sure of the best way to organize my thoughts on this, so i´m just going to bullet it out and take it from there - i love this not knowing where things are going business, it´s like putting my ipod on random and always being surprised :D

anyway, i´ve come to terms with the fact that there´s still a lot i don´t understand about a lot of things, including myself, other people, other cultures, and my own culture...let´s enumerate, shall we?

things i don´t understand about brazil/brazilian culture, etc.
- still lots of words, but at least i can read the newspaper and participate in social gatherings where only portuguese is used :) progress, progress...
- why appearances are so important (i think it´s different than in the u.s.)
- how people eat what they eat here and still stay so thin!
- how no one seems to mind the tiny swimsuits...sorry, i just can´t get used to it, ha ha ha :)
- i don´t like planning every single thing out, but sometimes you need it...people here don´t seem to do this/follow them if they have them as a general rule
- how such happy, relaxed people can be capable of such violence (which i still haven´t seen) *more on this topic later*
- racism (but it´s everywhere, in all countries in one form or another, let´s be honest)
- why gas is so expensive here? i research this stuff for my job, it just doesn´t make sense...
- i´ve gotten more used to the time thing, but it still bothers me sometimes

things i don´t understand about the u.s./american culture/etc.
- why everyone is so attached to their cars and feels the need to drive everywhere (although granted, infrastructure leaves little choice sometimes)
- why dinner is our biggest meal (big lunch, little dinner is healthier :D)
- everyone´s super sensitive (political correctness, anyone?)
- racism (we have it too...)
- workaholicism (more holidays, yay!)
- why people are still driving huuuuuge suv´s and trucks...i understand if you just can´t afford to change cars right now, but why go out and keep buying them?
- why don´t we greet eachother with hugs at least? (i met ppl here that couldn´t believe we don´t kiss on the cheek when we meet someone)

...i´m sure there´s more, but you get the idea...

and now, the hardest part of all...things i don´t understand about myself.
- how i can still be so sensitive sometimes and take things personally when in my mind i know it´s either not worth it, wrong, or just that it shouldn´t matter that much
- why i am so hard on myself sometimes
- why i love the idea of being out of my comfort zone until i get there, ha ha :)
- what i want to do with my life (career-wise, i think i know what intangible things i want out of life at least)
- why i´m horrible at making small talk
- why i love chocolate so much (really, it´s awesome but a little ridiculous, ha ha)
- how i can be really excited/happy and down in the same day
- shy sometimes but outgoing sometimes? i don´t get it...
- why sometimes i´m scared of the very things that should make me excited (ie before i came here with no one to depend on but a bunch of aiesecers that i´d never met)
- why i love challenging myself
- my inner writer/musician/artist...i feel like i lost this person somewhere along the way :(
- do i really want to be an engineer?
- am i a hermit or a socialite? sometimes i feel like both...
- what makes me click with certain people? just curious... :)
- i want to make a mark...somewhere, somehow...am i going in the right direction?

about that last one, i´m sure we all want to do this somehow...some ppl already know how they will, most like me, don´t. then the hardest thing to figure out (or not figure out, sometimes that makes more sense as the case might be) is first of all, in which direction we´re going, and second of all, if it´s the one we want...

in a lot of ways i know i´m going the right direction, for example, as far as my personal relationships go :) but me getting in touch with me? ainda não...

morro de são paulo...in pictures :)

2008-07-18T10:00:00.002-04:00

remnants of the past - the portuguese must´ve thought they´d landed in paradise

a living art - capoeira in spontaneity

natural beauty - reflections on the end of a day

a beautiful view? or an adventure?

a few of my views of morro de são paulo.

i know i´m not alone on this one

2008-07-16T12:39:00.003-04:00

so i found something out yesterday that made me sad, and i know i shouldn´t take it personally, but i still can´t help but feel that way even a little...anyway, i´m not sure where he found the information, but one of the kids from aiesec told me that apparently 66.6% (more or less) brazilians don´t like americans. damn.

i realize that this is one of the reasons why i´m here in the first place, it´s the reason that people need to travel and meet people from other cultures and try to understand eachother. it´s the reason we can´t judge accurately from a first impression and generalize about the people of an entire culture. i know i know i know. but still, for me to be one american in the midst of 66% of the population of a huge country makes me feel very overwhelmed, like it´s just too much for 1 person to take on, and to realize that over 1/2 of the people i walk past on the street every day might not like me if they knew i was american...it feels unfair, and i know that americans do it too, and even to each other.

why??? we´re all people, right? i realize that the u.s. hasn´t had some of the most, um, globally-approved of policies lately or even the most well-liked president, but it makes me sad how sometimes people either haven´t had the opportunity or the desire to look beyond this to the people themselves. it´s made me vacilliate between loving and feeling ashamed of my country since i´ve been here, which i guess isn´t really good or bad. i realize that no one is perfect, and the u.s. is no exception, and it´s not like i personally took some of the iniatives that others have found so offensive...i can´t help but feel now, though, in a time when oil prices are rising through the roof, economies are slowing, and people are starting to feel an economic crunch that they haven´t felt in years, though it doesn´t seem probably or plausible (because of the cost), now is the time when we need to be trying to understand each other more than ever. one country can´t fix this by itself. one person can´t fix this by himself/herself. but if there were a bunch of us, maybe it´d all add up to be enough.

so i comfort myself by thinking of myself as one of this bunch...i hope there´s enough of us.

touristy, but not...and we´re tourists, but not...

2008-07-15T09:40:00.003-04:00

oh, the craziness! so this past weekend, me, david (the canadian trainee), lisa (former american bh, brazil trainee now studying in salvador), and shaynee (american studying in salvador) set out for morro de são paulo, an island off the coast about 2 hrs by boat from salvador. well, 2 hrs if you pay r$60 for a 1-way ticket on a catamaran...i don´t think so. we decided to take the "road less traveled," or maybe more traveled really since it´s the way that the locals all go when they want to visit this beautiful place...yay for living with and hanging out with locals :D

so our voyage looked like this...bus #1 from home (and we all live in different neighborhoods so this was solo) to the ferry boat place (pronounced fe-hee booch)...ferry boat (approx. 45 mins) to itaparica, an island off the coast...bus#2 (approx. 1.5 hrs) from bom despacho, itaparica to valença, a city back on the mainland...boat #2 (approx. 30 mins) from valença to morro de são paulo, our final destination. we paid a total of r$25 each way for this trip, less than half of the cost for the direct catamaran! aaaaand, since we didn´t go through as much open sea, the boat rides were much calmer and didn´t have ppl hanging over the edge puking the whole time (from sources on the catamaran, this was the case, eek!). anyway, so that´s the how. but what did we do there, you might ask?

relax! while it rained in salvador all weekend (normal this time of year), we enjoyed sunny, hot weather perfect for hiking to the lighthouse at the top of the morro (hill in english), swimming in the ocean, intending to just chill on the beach but actually passing out, enjoying caipirinhas with freshly blended fruit, eating delicious traditional brazilian food, always a meat with rice, beans, farofa (kinda like this powder stuff that you put on your food to give it more weight, i´d never seen it before i came here), and small salad, and in my case, guaraná (best soda ever :D)...anytime you´re in a beach town you can probably do the same kind of relaxation things, but here´s the thing about this town...it was touristy but not. everything was appealing, the way the shops looked, the things they sold, the way the town was set up (streets made of sand, no cars, everything walking distance, ppl walking around in swimsuits and cangas, music everywhere, etc) - it had to have been planned at least a little. it didn´t feel fake though, like how disney world is almost too clean and perfect to be true, you know? things had character and seemed authentic and personal...the people were nice and loved talking to you (if you could get your portuguese together, of course, ha ha) - it really felt like a paradise, the whole package. i´ve never been to a place quite that authentic-feeling and perfect at the same time, like i said, touristy but not. there are pictures on my facebook, but i´ll try to put some here too later :)

and then i got to thinking...how perfect for us! as a trainee, you´re like a tourist but not, definitely not. we didn´t pay extravagant amts of money like a lot of tourists would do (like for the catamaran for example) because we´re a little more than that here, we live here. we take the bus to work/school like all the of the brazilians, i go home and eat home cooked food in a house in one of the more residential parts of town, i go to the bars and clubs that my friends here go to and pay what they pay...it´s different, yet i´d never been to morro de são paulo, which is one of those places that lots of ppl from salvador have been to, at least. i´d never seen pelourinho, the beautiful old part of salvador when i first arrived, and before i leave, i have to return to buy gifts to bring home and take some last meaningful photos :) there´s still so much i haven´t done here and so much that i have more to learn yet i´ve learned and now know so much already. so i´m not a tourist then. but i´m not a native nor a local.

so what does that make me? to be honest, there´s so much of my own country i still haven´t seen. so am i the same here as i am there? no, but on paper who would know?

they say that home is where the heart is...i think that´s true. but i also think you can have more than one home.

i need background music

2008-07-09T15:14:00.003-04:00

i´ve loved music for a very very long time. i grew up playing an instrument (yay flute, ha ha), singing in the car and in the shower, and listening to music as much as possible, including during studying (sorry, holly) and sleeping (sorry again, holly), working out, on long car/plane/train trips, and even walking to class with the wonderful invention of the mp3 player (thank you, whoever´s responsible for this :D) - i really love music. i love most kinds, not all, but i´m open to anything that has a good beat, inspiring lyrics, insatiable soul, and creates an atmosphere that suits my mood...i´m not too hard to please :) through being out of my environment a little bit in terms of music here in salvador, i´ve come to discover some new things about it and my connection to it. maybe i should first tell you about how music is here though so you´ll understand what i mean a little better...

brazilians are known as party-loving people, in general. this is true, they loooove parties, dancing, music, food, and everything that comes with it. sweet, who doesn´t? in salvador especially, everyone is happy, helpful, hospitable, and loves loves loves music, lots of kinds...reggae, pop, rock/alternative, axé (carnival music), samba, forró (são joão music), pagode, arrocha, funk, electronica, mixes of all of these, etc. i´ve encountered so many new kinds since i´ve been here and i love them all...yay for a music-loving city and people! i have some cd´s but no cd player so i end up really only listening to it on my own when i´m at a compter (ie work or at home (sometimes)). i don´t know what it is about music, but it helps me concentrate, always has. the cool thing about listening to all of these different kinds, though, is the inspiration i get...the different feelings and moods of the music give me different ideas and i feel like have almost expanding my thinking in some ways, not to mention that listening to music in a different language helps you learn it. that´s one of the things i realized today while listening to some of my brazilian songs - it´s like a new song every day because i understand a little more, yay! even with songs in english, you can hear new things every time you listen, how cool is that?

the music scene in atl isn´t horrible, but i´m definitely going to miss the attitude toward music in general here, as well as the scene. what is it about music that makes people want to jump around like maniacs then cry then chill in a hammock next to the beach? how can one thing be so diverse and create such a diversity of feelings? and how did people all over the world come up with so many different types? i´ve heard beats and combinations of instruments i never would´ve thought of here, and it´s great. and i definitely feel like knowing someone´s music you come to learn a little more (or maybe even a lot more) about them, especially in terms of a culture.

i went to a brazilian wedding last weekend. the reception was all brazilian music, especially axé and samba since the couple had met at carnival. the bride and groom wore carnival-type accessories (glowing necklaces, fuzzy crowns, etc), and everyone danced until after 3am. when´s the last time you saw that in a wedding?

welcome to brazil :)

p.s. - if you want to hear some of this music let me know and i´ll try to send you some :D beijos.

happy birthday u.s.a. :D

2008-07-04T15:31:00.004-04:00

so here i am, for the second year in a row, not in the u.s. for the 4th of july. weird. i still went to work today and there aren´t patriotic songs and american flags hanging all over the place, but it is still my independence day :) i actually almost even forgot it was today since there wasn´t anyone or anything around to remind me until one of my brazilian co-workers wished me a happy 4th of july...i was a little surprised, much as i am when i meet someone for the first time and they speak english to me. pleasant surprise though :D

to everyone in the u.s., live it up today :) as much as traveling has taught me and allowed me to experience and appreciate other cultures, it´s also taught me to appreciate my own too, and i´m very proud to call myself american despite some of the things i´ve heard about americans here that might or might not have been true. well, no one´s perfect i guess, but yay for fireworks, family, friends, cookouts, parades, beer, and a blue summer sky :)

happy birthday, america.

i´m just going to see where this goes...

2008-07-02T19:44:00.002-04:00

so i feel like writing, but not about anything in particular. we´ll see where this goes, ha ha :)

today i got to experience my second independence day in another country (well, not my own quite yet, but i was in paris for july 14 last summer and today was bahian independence day). yes, i did say bahian independence day, not brazilian independence day. although the holiday-loving people of bahia celebrate the normal brazilian independence day in september, they also have their own on july 2...how awesome is that? i didn´t work today, despite the fact that we didn´t work monday and tuesday of last week due to são joão holidays either - but that´s besides the point. anyway, not working allowed me to go out to campo grande, a big praça near the old part of the city, for the celebration :)

the parade had started at 3pm and was finishing in campo grande, so we figured we´d be fine arriving at 4 or so. it was fine, the parade hadn´t made it there yet, but the set-up was unlike anything i´ve ever seen in terms of an independence day celebration. there were random people with horses giving rides to little kids down the middle of the street, through the middle of the praça, etc., vendors selling everything from small brazilian/bahian flags to steak on a stick to earrings to beer to ice cream, people wandering all over the place just talking and eating, and even cars still coming by sometimes since all of the streets weren´t closed yet. it was a type of organized chaos, i suppose. then came the parade. i´ve seen a lot of parades in my life, though all of them were either in the u.s. or western europe, and they had a very different style than this one. like the u.s., this one had lots of bands, marching bands that dress in the military-style uniforms playing patriotic songs and stuff like that, and here one band even gave a pretty riveting rendition of "i believe i can fly" ha ha :) the difference here, though, was that the parade seemed completely open. people stood on the side of the streets to watch but had no problem falling in step with the people walking in the parade to make their own way down the street. there were sometimes gaps of 5 minutes in between pieces of the parade with these random people walking in between, and a couple of times the parade even changed direction halfway through! also, sometimes the bands would completely stop, turn and face the crowds on either side, and give a mini-concert with some fancy marching thrown in. it seemed more like a show than a parade, something i´ve never really seen before quite in that form. it was a good experience though :)

when you go to an event like this where people come out to support their country and celebrate their lives there, it really hits you, the way the people view the event more than the things going on in the event itself. i´ve been going to 4th of july fireworks shows, cooking out with family, and just relaxing on independence day since i was a child, i´ve loved it :) it´s the same here...families were there, the kids running around with little brazil/bahia flags and eating ice cream. take out the parade and the performances and the infrastructure of the whole event, and you have the same emotions pulsing through the crowds, the same feeling of celebration as what i had experienced all of my life as a child in the u.s. seeing the differences here brought me back a little to that feeling, which is good considering that on friday when it really is the 4th of july i´ll be the only one celebrating here, ha ha.

i really liked being a part of something that´s so important here, and even something that every country shares when it recognizes a special day just for its celebration of being. i love seeing pride in people´s eyes as they point out special songs or costumes to their children, who will grow up to hopefully be those same proud people. in the midst of the bahian celebration, i was proud to be american and happy to be bahian for the day at the same time - there is, after all, more than enough love to go around :D

looking back on my progress

2008-06-27T07:56:00.002-04:00

last week marked my first time here not being the one everyone referred to when they said "gringo(a)" with the arrival of our newest trainee from canada, david. it changed my position a bit since up until now the only trainees had been myself and lina, our colombian trainee that´s already been here for 7 months. even though i wasn´t the only trainee, i still felt kind of alone since lina had already been here so long, understood how things worked, knew everyone, and spoke portuguese...she felt more like one of the brazilians to me, which is guess is good for her that she´s adapted so well :D lina´s awesome.

anyway, david, like me, arrived not knowing much about brazilian culture and knowing nothing about the language. it was me, really, a month and a half ago. especially since we work at the same company and everything, i really wanted to help him with things that were hard for me when i first arrived and just be understanding kind of, you know? lots of people helped me when i arrived but no one had really quite been in my situation so there were certain kinds of things that i felt alone in, like adjusting to the cultural differences, not understanding when people talked to me, etc. i guess i´ve now been here long enough that i´ve fallen into the routine of living here, how things work, and have begun to understand more, but it´s been so gradual that i hadn´t noticed until i saw a little bit of my former self in david.

he´s picking up things fast and getting along really well with everyone and we get along well too, which is good, but his appearance here i think has projected me in a different light not only to myself but to my co-workers too. all of a sudden i became the "translator" and the one that knew things and the one that could speak english (they´d never heard me speak so fast before, ha ha) and the one that would understand what was going on...when did that happen??? in t-minus 1 day i had gone from the clueless trainee to the trainee with all the answers...just goes to show you how much familiarity can influence your perception, ha ha :)

so i´m kind of a dual role right now until he completely adjusts as a trainee and an icxer...i somehow feel underqualified to be explaining things that i just learned myself to someone else, but i really like having the chance to help when this person in turn can help someone else...that´s what this organization is about anyway, right? well, life really should be like that, it just doesn´t always work out that way, unfortunately :(

the whole experience has inspired me to keep challenging myself and helping to ensure that others have the opportunity to do so as well, not just in the form of a traineeship, but in many ways...there are so many things to experience in the world that are unfamiliar, amazing, and challenging, from places to music to dances to art to food to ideas to methodology to problem-solving to relationships, etc. realistically, i won´t be able to experience them all, but i can try - i love being inspired by the situations and people i´ve encountered here, and i can only hope that one day i´ll have the chance to inspire at least one person too :)

embracing vs. living

2008-06-18T12:39:00.002-04:00

i named my blog "abraço." it means either "i embrace" or "embrace" (the noun form) in portuguese, the motherland language here. i knew it would be a challenge to come here but just figured as long as i was open-minded and embraced what was thrown at me it´d be all good, very easy, and an easy thing to explain the differences between brazilian culture and other cultures...here´s the thing though, you have to do more than embrace something to truly understand it.

it´s hard to explain. you embrace a culture when you travel there and see all the amazing things it has to offer. i do that here too :) trainees and ex-pats and anyone that´s spent a lot of time in an unfamiliar situation does this...but when you live something, make it part of your life and how you think and how you act and how you approach situations and problems, you do more than embrace it...you become it.

i thought i was being creative and having foresight when i named my blog "abraço" by offering a glimpse of what i thought i´d be doing here in the midst of brazilian culture...maybe i really should´ve just named it "vivo."

fancy seeing you here...

2008-06-17T14:32:00.005-04:00

*i wrote this on june 17 and didn´t publish it for some reason at the time. now that i´m not in the same mindset 2 weeks later, i can´t bring myself to finish it. take it as you will, and know that this is me 2 weeks ago, coming to grips with the fact that maybe i´d adjusted and changed in more ways than i had thought, except i don´t think i knew that that was the challenge at the time.

so this past week has been very different in a lot of ways...

- lina, the other trainee currently here in salvador left for colombia (her motherland) to take care of some visa things before returning for another 6 months making me the only trainee here

- i had my first attempt at trying to contact members of the lc by myself to organize something...a little difficult when my phone portuguese isn´t so great, ha ha :)

- i was a pseudo tour guide?

- i saw megan and firdaus...here in salvador!

- i realized that i´ve started acting bahian in some ways

- i got back in touch with an old friend and realized how possible it is to start in one place and end up in completely different places years later

- i have translated a couple of documents with limited use of a dictionary, yay!

- i noticed that i think i cling to some of my habits from home to comfort myself somehow but don´t really need them

- i realized how much more i´ve come to love and be comfortable with this city since i first arrived

- i´ve noticed how much i still don´t know about this country...brazil is huge and diverse

- i have seen the beauty in the aiesec traineeship system in that everyone´s experience is completely different...totally.

- i haven´t felt the need to eat chocolate every 2 seconds (i felt this way last week and the one before, no joke)

- i haven´t felt the need to write in this blog all the time like i did before...i´m not unispired though for sure, not sure why yet i feel this way yet...

speaking of this last thing, it´s not just me. almost every blog i´ve read starts out strong, especially at the beginning of the traineeship when everything is strange, new, scary, amazing, breathtaking...basically extreme. and then, we all trail off into oblivion until we come back and have to try to put into verbal words x months/years of our lives that are basically impossible to explain as they feel and happen. and you can´t predict it before you go either.

never an ordinary day

2008-06-11T12:45:00.003-04:00

at about 9:00 this morning, everyone in my office became distracted by police sirens, screaming, and firecracker-type noises outside...we work on the 6th floor (7th floor in the u.s.) of a building in one of the commercial districts of the city (called comércio, oddly enough, ha ha). everyone turns to look outside and what do we see? people marching down the street chanting. turns out they were having a protest about hourly wages or something, i wasn´t quite sure...anyway, it wasn´t violent or anything like that, but i can honestly say that i´ve never seen a protest before. well, i guess there´s a first time for everything (or most things anyway) :D

now it´s 1:45 though and instead of hearing shouting and police sirens i hear a fergie song blasting from someone´s car...

brazil´s "capital of happiness" - must be true :)

all you need is love

2008-06-09T15:20:00.002-04:00

"there´s nowhere you can be that isn´t where you´re meant to be..." - the beatles

good thing to remember.

beijos :)

things i take for granted

2008-06-06T22:31:00.002-04:00

here are just some random thoughts about realizations i´ve had about things that i take for granted, both here and in the u.s. (note that they´re different sometimes and the same sometimes):

in the u.s.
-having people around me (or close to me at least) that have known me since i was born and that i´m still close to
-speaking/writing/reading/understanding english (and all that goes with that, which is a lot)
-knowledge of my surroundings and how to get around
-a car (and so mobility independence)
-my family
-my boyfriend
-my friends
-financial support
-my culture
-my routine and habits (ie working out, buying my favorite foods, etc)
-credit cards and debit cards that work everywhere
-blending in
-familiarity with temperature and distance
-my music
-personal accessibility

in brazil
-my uniqueness
-the newness of everything and the adventure that comes with it
-financial support
-the beach!
-the pace of the culture (everything and everyone is super relaxed)
-my opportunities to learn
-the power of words (i think i lost this appreciation doing an engineering degree for 4 years, ha ha)
-the love i feel from everyone back home that seems to mean so much more because it comes from so far away
-my music
-discovering new food, music, dances, ideas, etc
-meeting new people
-the amazingness of the people that have helped me so so so much here
-the internet (its how i keep in touch with a lot of people and things going on in the world)
-skype!!!

there´s more, i´m sure, for each list, but i think these give you a good idea of what´s up. i feel that i´ve learned so much more about myself, about the culture here, and even more about my own culture since i´ve been here. as sean once described in his blog, too, i´ve learned more about other people, not just becasue i´ve met such a variety here, but about people at home...actions in the face of adversity (in this case location and communication) can tell you a lot about a person and your relationship with them...i´d have to say that i´ve only seen positivity in this area :D i´m also glad that i didn´t line up a real job for myself to start after this experience ends, becasue i´m just now starting to realize what i want to do (i´m not for sure yet, but i finally have a direction) as a result of lots of factors here...i very easily could´ve made myself miserable in a job i didn´t like, and i´m glad i didn´t rush. i´ve learned to relax a little more and to not be afraid of my thoughts, my words, and my emotions when i´m alone (which isn´t often yet always here), and being comfortable with yourself is one of the most important things to being happy, i think.

you don´t have to think you´re perfect, but you have to accept things.

wow, i just rambled a lot. if you made it this far, i hope this made sense :)

getting into the swing

2008-06-03T14:55:00.002-04:00

the past 3 weeks have probably been the hardest of my life for various reasons...i left home for a strange country and a strange culture, and with it my family, friends, boyfriend, and the comfort they offer whether they mean to or not. everyone here was (and still is) completely amazing and helpful, not to mention that the land here is gorgeous - and yet i felt as alone and conspicuous as i´ve ever felt in my life. not an inspiring feeling when the only people you can talk to about it #1 probably don´t understand and #2 are 4000 miles away...well, that was the past 3 weeks anyway.

this past sunday marking the official close of my 3rd week here, i finally felt comfortable here, i realized. it was the craziest thing, just very sudden, you know? it´s like when you´re learning to drive and it never feels natural even though you know what to do until one day you just get in the car and it feels...right :) it was kinda like that. i´m a little disappointed because i thought myself to be more adaptable that this, it took way too long. i can´t help but ask myself "why?" but then realize that there´s more to it than me, there always is.

good thing, too :) i definitely don´t know everything, as evidenced by my failing to drink enough during and after 6 hours in the hot sun of a bahian beach on sunday...let´s just say i was very very sick yesterday, ha ha...i´ve realized that no matter how independent i think i am and how logical my ideas, i can´t do things alone, no one can. that´s what living the dream is, really.

i think my biggest misconception before coming to brazil was that "the dream" would be perfect, my experience here would be flawless, i wouldn´t feel a day of lonliness or sadness nor a twinge of misunderstanding...you know, perfect, as people usually assume dreams to be. that´s what we all mean when we say we want this "dream job" and that "dream guy (or girl for you guys, ha ha)," right? well, here´s the thing that has become very apparent to me over the past 3 weeks and that i think we´d all do well to realize so as not to have unrealistic expectations for ourselves and other people...dreams, when lived, will never be perfect - and that´s what makes them so amazing. if i had been dropped into this country and the second i hit the ground become brazilian, what good would that do me? i´d learn nothing, just go on as i do anyway and everything would work out...what kind of dream is that, to continue on as you have forever and ever and ever with no opposition to your point of view and therefore no motivation for it to expand?

it´s a type of irony then, i guess, that "living the dream" isn´t perfect, as i thought it would be...but it´s been more perfect for me than i ever could have imagined.

beijos :)

that will go straight to your hips!

2008-05-29T12:54:00.003-04:00

i know i wrote yesterday, but this just popped into my mind and i wanted to write it down before i forgot...that happens a lot, ha ha :) anyway, here´s the thing...i don´t think ever in my life i´ve been so conscious of my appearance as i have been here. that sounds weird when you say it like that, so let me explain...

although there are many blonde-haired, blue-eyed, fair-skinned brazilians, they tend to live further south near rio de janeiro and são paulo, places with a colder climate and more european cultural influence. salvador was the first capital of brazil and one of its oldest cities...it has a rich history, but as we all know about early colonization in the americas, there was a lot of racial mixing with the native americans that lived here first and slavery was rampant. as a result, we now have cities like salvador that are unique and awesome because they have native american, african, and european culture all mixed together to create amazing food, music, architecture, religions, dance, schools of though, and of course people. let´s face it, though, i don´t look like the majority of the people here.

it doesn´t bother me at all and i forget, to be honest, until i´m standing at the bus stop and a random lady comes up to me and starts speaking in rapid portuguese about how i should be careful because i´m an easy target for theft and stuff like that (i think, at least), then leaves with the warning, "cuidado (be careful)." this happened this morning. i forget until i´m standing at the bus stop after work and a homeless guy, yup a homeless guy, comes up and tells me (again in rapid portuguese that i almost catch) to be careful, i stand out too much. this was last week after work. it always shakes me up a little bit, and reminds me that unfortunately, sometimes our appearances mean more than they should. if you have lighter skin and features, here, it´s assumed that you have money and people could potentiall target you. i´m really really careful about everything and don´t go places by myself, but it is disconcerting to hear things like this all the time.

this is one aspect of being suddenly aware of how i look, but there´s another one too, one that´s kinda funny i guess in comparison. first let me start by saying that there aren´t many fat people here. not everyone is model-skinny, but no one is really grossly obese, you know? anyway, i´ve been told 2 times in the past week (while eating chocolate, granted), that "you´ll get fat eating that..." by guys...what????? i still haven´t figured out if that´s the norm here for men to say to women, but wow. i have no problem with my weight or self-esteem or body image or anything like that, but still...how crazy is that? and by people i work with, but still barely know, really. if anyone has any insight into that, let me know, cuz i wanted to laugh but drop my jaw in surprise at the same time, ha ha. maybe people are just more honest here?

oh, the things i´ve learned, ha ha :)